Monday, October 4, 2021

The Madness

Listening

(and trying not to roll my eyes)

(and failing)

to the heated discussion about the topics of the day,

(more like a vomitous monologue for one)

Covid and vaccines and politics

and religion, always religion.

ivermectin? Really?

An otherwise intelligent and educated person,

one who has already had Covid,

(the type with severe long-term side effects)

still passionately defending

noncompliance with science and masks and 

medical advice.

What spawns this sort of crazy?

it seems something beyond faith and

conservative (delusional) politics.

Did Covid come with 

a brain specific virus

as well?

But no.

The insanity and fundamentalism

were there long before

pandemics and panderers.





Sunday, August 22, 2021

Lines like knives

Where is the line

between affection and 

boundaries?

It’s so lonely

and feels like 

abandonment 

and shame 

when the intention was

to be merely

mildly

affectionate 

only to be 

resoundingly

rebuffed.

So knife edge sharp

we bleed. 

Thursday, June 24, 2021

Fun

I looked at the pictures

how they dressed

the logos on their T-shirts

their dirty-faced, naughty children

their trashy, drunk, uninhibited behavior.

I suddenly realized that 

I could feel my mental lip curling

in disgust and judgment.

And then…I wondered 

why

was I responding this way?

And exactly whose opinions were these, 

anyway?

I immediately saw my mother’s face…

…my little kids gazing between me and her

meaningfully.

I knew anew that her lifetime of 

unremitting criticism

was still affecting me, even when

I didn’t understand how.

So, I studied at those pictures again

and realized that 

the very things

she would’ve found less than -

or beneath her

or unworthy of her attention or 

her participation -

these very things were

the very definition of

fun

and

I was so

missing

out.

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

Eleven years

 I’m done mourning.

Not that I really ever did very much.

These last 10 years,

I did the public ritual

the obeisance on social media and public forums.

I chose to be respectful in my own way.

For 10 years, I paid 

that last minimal amount of 

respect that 

I felt she deserved.

And it was minimal.

But in all ways, 

I didn’t feel like I even owed her that.

I did it for my inner children 

who still loved her

and for my own peace of mind.

That’s enough.


Wednesday, April 14, 2021

“The Dream”: last act

That slow awareness

of your awaited presence.

You were calm,

your long-missed 

and longed-for 

gentle strength 

coming through strongly.

There was no doubt it was you, here. There.

I was saddened again 

but soothed to feel your presence.

“At Last”.

Together, with your lead,

we mentally flip through the

tender, unforgettable memories of 

our early acquaintance,

the fairy tale dating and wedding 

and finally, 

our early married life,

so sweet.

Such utterly precious days and nights.

You stopped us there.

You gently reminded me

how much you loved me

and how much I loved you.

We were both grateful to remember,

together.

We tearfully exchanged our 

definitively last apologies

and 

said our reluctant, lingering goodbyes 

for the absolutely last time, 

and 

then you were slowly, slowly gone

for the last time.

I slept quietly that night, 

finally at peace

with your final leaving.

Thursday, March 18, 2021

What’s different

I haven’t experienced this much freedom

since college graduation .

I loll on my bed in my tiny apartment in the new town 

during a break from work 

gazing contentedly out the spring-open window at

distant snowcapped mountains

as the cool spring breeze wraps around my face and 

I remember what I thought was 

freedom, 

mere days of freedom at graduation 

before I moved to the coast to 

live with my first husband...

And with all the commitments and trappings 

that came after that, 

like kids and mortgages and pets and jobs

endings and deaths and health challenges.

Many days in that time, nay, weeks and months and years,  

that felt more like jail or torture or both.

But now, 

I now have the mental health to go with the sense of freedom, 

the sanity and clarity and peace that 

I really knew nothing about 

in my 20s.

Monday, February 15, 2021

The journey to the Summerland

It’s breathtaking,

the speed at which life is going these days.

It’s also shocking how quickly

my fellow travelers are falling away.

For some, the release from their

torment or pain, 

I do not begrudge them and indeed 

celebrate their freedom, 

as the wheel turns.

But it’s getting lonelier.

I’m not alone.

I am surrounded by people that 

love me and support me.

But there’s getting to be fewer and fewer

all the time

of those who knew me 

when I was young, or younger, anyway.

That ancient, mere ripple of 

who I am now

is no longer able to be reflected 

in their eyes.

Now 

I have to remember

by myself.