Yet

I don't want to be single

yet

due to repeated investigation
I am well aware
that there is nothing out there
worth dating or
a long term relationship

yet

I don't want to be single

though I have been lied to and
abused and poorly treated repeatedly
as I keep hoping that it will be
different
this time

yet

I don't want to be single

somehow, inexplicably,
there is still a tiny sputtering flame of hope
though I know better
it never is any better
same creepy men, different year

yet...

"Begin Again" by Taylor Swift

Photographs and memories

(I could not say or sing this better than Jim Croce.)

Photographs and memories
Christmas cards you sent to me
All that I have are these
To remember you

Memories that come at night
Take me to another time
Back to a happier day
When I called you mine

But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh how I loved you then

Summer skies and lullabies
Nights we couldn't say good-bye
And of all of the things that we knew
Not a dream survived

Photographs and memories
All the love you gave to me
Somehow it just can't be true
That's all I've left of you

But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh how I loved you then

"Photographs and Memories" by Jim Croce

Time after time, part one

if he was not able or willing to
work things out the first time around
whether that was thirty years ago
or three
what assurance would one have
that the situation would be different
now

how would it be possible to know
for certain

that he has changed
that he is truly willing
that he is sincerely committed

and that

I am not merely an available option
that he is taking another 'run' at
that he is, to put it bluntly,
desperate enough
to 'give' me another try

(some gift)

or

am I the partner of last resort
because no one new or acceptable
has presented herself or stuck around

I am no longer 18, 21, 25, 38, or 44
nor that naive, desperate, or foolish

it's amazing how the exes start
sniffing around
the moment I become
single
again

really?

do they really believe I have forgotten?

Sweet freedom

Pain is receding

joy is burgeoning

life is beckoning

like a deserted, dusty country road

an adventure awaits

independence is delicious and welcome

on my tongue

I tie on sturdy shoes

dancing on my toes

in anticipation

of what is next

and what is next

is

me

Parenting

My folks didn't always get it right
but there were a lot of things they did
do very well

when I was in critical need
they always stepped up
whether that was paying my bills for
a  couple months at the end of my undergrad years
so that I could focus on school instead of work

or moving me, several times, thousands of miles
when my job or relationship prospects dramatically changed

I try to do the same for my daughter, without enabling
her own manipulative behavior and needs

She's about to graduate
I want her to be a success and become truly self-supporting
so I co-sign a loan for her to have start-up funds to
get a place to live and pay bills while she waits for
that all-important first paycheck to arrive

and I will also help her move and get settled into
her first post-college home with her husband

I consider all that a good investment in my precious child
as she crosses the threshold into true adulthood

Meanwhile, her other parent is busy being as selfish and
myopic as s/he has always been

Disinheriting her youngest because she is mad at her dad
for making her adolescence crazy with her transgendered bullshit,
s/he is refusing to help the kid make this 'good' start out of college
and is still pursuing her transitioning to the exclusion of all else

S/he would rather pay tens of thousands of dollars for electrolysis
and assorted surgeries and hormones and other medications
and then complain about the Kid's alleged rudeness to her

(those are called 'boundaries', fucker)

(and all you need to do to make it right is make AMENDS to her)

and then active punitively towards this resilient young woman

well, well,...just like HER own father

than attempt to be a loving, functional parent
to the ONE child she has who is making something of herself
despite her parents' respective problems
especially as compared to the other two, who are still
lying addicted using obnoxious individuals well into their forties

I have taken the good my parents did and striven to change the bad
and I think my kid has turned out pretty well
despite me
despite her self-absorbed father

Parenting requires both boundaries and personal sacrifice
even sacrifice of one's own needs and dreams

you only get one chance to participate in those growing up years
if you blow it, there is no do-over
what could be more important than raising one's child??

I have done the best I could.
I know I am doing the right thing
by my daughter
right now

But I do not think the other party has even tried
but I guess s/he could only transmit/use
the dysfunctional tools s/he was given
rather than accepting the challenge and the privilege
of striving to be a better parent than
the ones s/he was given

New day, new me

The divorce is final
now to begin changing my name
which means having to finally
tell many, many people about
what he did to me and
what I did about
what he did to me.

The last of the secret 'telling'

at last

Delighted to leave behind
a now reviled moniker
and arise from the
bitterly cold ashes of
dashed hopes
crushed dreams
betrayed love
destroyed trust

It feels like being reborn
invigorating
exciting
new
to take back my maiden name
to reclaim
my heritage
my identity
my peace
my serenity
my family
my sanity
my financial security

my heart is warm

I won't just rise
I will survive
I will thrive
I will fly

like never before


"You've been remade" by Tenth Avenue North

Oh happy day

One letter in the mailbox yesterday

from the court

the divorce was finally final a couple days ago

after a brief happy dance on the front porch,
I started emailing and texting friends and family
the good news of my freedom from insanity
despite his 'best' efforts to delay me
not to mention him paying a lawyer for
absolutely nothing

I celebrated by hanging out with my bestie
nibbling/sipping on cheese and chicken and Dr. Pepper
watching movies and laughing and planning
the rest of my gloriously single life...

never again
never
ever
will I remarry

EVER

my life is amazing, just the way it is


"We are never ever getting back together" by Taylor Swift

Summary

This is so you
you can keep denying it
but this was the exact, precise history of
our relationship

especially the line about
not stopping until
I hated you more than
I ever loved you.

But
at least I can heal
from this and move on.

You are still sick.

"Lips are Movin' " by Meghan Trainor

Unexpected tears

Every time an event evoking loss occurs

even if it is merely someone or something peripheral to my life

I find myself once again mourning old hurts,

though I am unsure if this is

actual grief or an empathetic response to

the sorrow of others.

Today, an acquaintance is being taken off life support

I feel sad for his family but

surprised by the urge to weep on his behalf

though I know he is, as he believed, joyfully in his Savior's arms

yet

I still feel an affinity for his passing and

my own anguish over recent and ancient losses

rises up and briefly enfolds me again

gently