I don't want to be single
yet
due to repeated investigation
I am well aware
that there is nothing out there
worth dating or
a long term relationship
yet
I don't want to be single
though I have been lied to and
abused and poorly treated repeatedly
as I keep hoping that it will be
different
this time
yet
I don't want to be single
somehow, inexplicably,
there is still a tiny sputtering flame of hope
though I know better
it never is any better
same creepy men, different year
yet...
"Begin Again" by Taylor Swift
NaPoWriMo...and beyond... Prosey poetry and free verse. Unapologetically real recovery. My words, my life, my experience.
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
Sunday, November 26, 2017
Photographs and memories
(I could not say or sing this better than Jim Croce.)
Photographs and memories
Christmas cards you sent to me
All that I have are these
To remember you
Memories that come at night
Take me to another time
Back to a happier day
When I called you mine
But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh how I loved you then
Summer skies and lullabies
Nights we couldn't say good-bye
And of all of the things that we knew
Not a dream survived
Photographs and memories
All the love you gave to me
Somehow it just can't be true
That's all I've left of you
But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh how I loved you then
Photographs and memories
Christmas cards you sent to me
All that I have are these
To remember you
Memories that come at night
Take me to another time
Back to a happier day
When I called you mine
But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh how I loved you then
Summer skies and lullabies
Nights we couldn't say good-bye
And of all of the things that we knew
Not a dream survived
Photographs and memories
All the love you gave to me
Somehow it just can't be true
That's all I've left of you
But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh how I loved you then
Saturday, November 25, 2017
Time after time, part one
if he was not able or willing to
work things out the first time around
whether that was thirty years ago
or three
what assurance would one have
that the situation would be different
now
how would it be possible to know
for certain
that he has changed
that he is truly willing
that he is sincerely committed
and that
I am not merely an available option
that he is taking another 'run' at
that he is, to put it bluntly,
desperate enough
to 'give' me another try
(some gift)
or
am I the partner of last resort
because no one new or acceptable
has presented herself or stuck around
I am no longer 18, 21, 25, 38, or 44
nor that naive, desperate, or foolish
it's amazing how the exes start
sniffing around
the moment I become
single
again
really?
do they really believe I have forgotten?
work things out the first time around
whether that was thirty years ago
or three
what assurance would one have
that the situation would be different
now
how would it be possible to know
for certain
that he has changed
that he is truly willing
that he is sincerely committed
and that
I am not merely an available option
that he is taking another 'run' at
that he is, to put it bluntly,
desperate enough
to 'give' me another try
(some gift)
or
am I the partner of last resort
because no one new or acceptable
has presented herself or stuck around
I am no longer 18, 21, 25, 38, or 44
nor that naive, desperate, or foolish
it's amazing how the exes start
sniffing around
the moment I become
single
again
really?
do they really believe I have forgotten?
Monday, November 20, 2017
Sweet freedom
Pain is receding
joy is burgeoning
life is beckoning
like a deserted, dusty country road
an adventure awaits
independence is delicious and welcome
on my tongue
I tie on sturdy shoes
dancing on my toes
in anticipation
of what is next
and what is next
is
me
joy is burgeoning
life is beckoning
like a deserted, dusty country road
an adventure awaits
independence is delicious and welcome
on my tongue
I tie on sturdy shoes
dancing on my toes
in anticipation
of what is next
and what is next
is
me
Friday, November 17, 2017
Parenting
My folks didn't always get it right
but there were a lot of things they did
do very well
when I was in critical need
they always stepped up
whether that was paying my bills for
a couple months at the end of my undergrad years
so that I could focus on school instead of work
or moving me, several times, thousands of miles
when my job or relationship prospects dramatically changed
I try to do the same for my daughter, without enabling
her own manipulative behavior and needs
She's about to graduate
I want her to be a success and become truly self-supporting
so I co-sign a loan for her to have start-up funds to
get a place to live and pay bills while she waits for
that all-important first paycheck to arrive
and I will also help her move and get settled into
her first post-college home with her husband
I consider all that a good investment in my precious child
as she crosses the threshold into true adulthood
Meanwhile, her other parent is busy being as selfish and
myopic as s/he has always been
Disinheriting her youngest because she is mad at her dad
for making her adolescence crazy with her transgendered bullshit,
s/he is refusing to help the kid make this 'good' start out of college
and is still pursuing her transitioning to the exclusion of all else
S/he would rather pay tens of thousands of dollars for electrolysis
and assorted surgeries and hormones and other medications
and then complain about the Kid's alleged rudeness to her
(those are called 'boundaries', fucker)
(and all you need to do to make it right is make AMENDS to her)
and then active punitively towards this resilient young woman
well, well,...just like HER own father
than attempt to be a loving, functional parent
to the ONE child she has who is making something of herself
despite her parents' respective problems
especially as compared to the other two, who are still
lying addicted using obnoxious individuals well into their forties
I have taken the good my parents did and striven to change the bad
and I think my kid has turned out pretty well
despite me
despite her self-absorbed father
Parenting requires both boundaries and personal sacrifice
even sacrifice of one's own needs and dreams
you only get one chance to participate in those growing up years
if you blow it, there is no do-over
what could be more important than raising one's child??
I have done the best I could.
I know I am doing the right thing
by my daughter
right now
But I do not think the other party has even tried
but I guess s/he could only transmit/use
the dysfunctional tools s/he was given
rather than accepting the challenge and the privilege
of striving to be a better parent than
the ones s/he was given
but there were a lot of things they did
do very well
when I was in critical need
they always stepped up
whether that was paying my bills for
a couple months at the end of my undergrad years
so that I could focus on school instead of work
or moving me, several times, thousands of miles
when my job or relationship prospects dramatically changed
I try to do the same for my daughter, without enabling
her own manipulative behavior and needs
She's about to graduate
I want her to be a success and become truly self-supporting
so I co-sign a loan for her to have start-up funds to
get a place to live and pay bills while she waits for
that all-important first paycheck to arrive
and I will also help her move and get settled into
her first post-college home with her husband
I consider all that a good investment in my precious child
as she crosses the threshold into true adulthood
Meanwhile, her other parent is busy being as selfish and
myopic as s/he has always been
Disinheriting her youngest because she is mad at her dad
for making her adolescence crazy with her transgendered bullshit,
s/he is refusing to help the kid make this 'good' start out of college
and is still pursuing her transitioning to the exclusion of all else
S/he would rather pay tens of thousands of dollars for electrolysis
and assorted surgeries and hormones and other medications
and then complain about the Kid's alleged rudeness to her
(those are called 'boundaries', fucker)
(and all you need to do to make it right is make AMENDS to her)
and then active punitively towards this resilient young woman
well, well,...just like HER own father
than attempt to be a loving, functional parent
to the ONE child she has who is making something of herself
despite her parents' respective problems
especially as compared to the other two, who are still
lying addicted using obnoxious individuals well into their forties
I have taken the good my parents did and striven to change the bad
and I think my kid has turned out pretty well
despite me
despite her self-absorbed father
Parenting requires both boundaries and personal sacrifice
even sacrifice of one's own needs and dreams
you only get one chance to participate in those growing up years
if you blow it, there is no do-over
what could be more important than raising one's child??
I have done the best I could.
I know I am doing the right thing
by my daughter
right now
But I do not think the other party has even tried
but I guess s/he could only transmit/use
the dysfunctional tools s/he was given
rather than accepting the challenge and the privilege
of striving to be a better parent than
the ones s/he was given
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
New day, new me
The divorce is final
now to begin changing my name
which means having to finally
tell many, many people about
what he did to me and
what I did about
what he did to me.
The last of the secret 'telling'
at last
Delighted to leave behind
a now reviled moniker
and arise from the
bitterly cold ashes of
dashed hopes
crushed dreams
betrayed love
destroyed trust
It feels like being reborn
invigorating
exciting
new
to take back my maiden name
to reclaim
my heritage
my identity
my peace
my serenity
my family
my sanity
my financial security
my heart is warm
I won't just rise
I will survive
I will thrive
I will fly
like never before
"You've been remade" by Tenth Avenue North
now to begin changing my name
which means having to finally
tell many, many people about
what he did to me and
what I did about
what he did to me.
The last of the secret 'telling'
at last
Delighted to leave behind
a now reviled moniker
and arise from the
bitterly cold ashes of
dashed hopes
crushed dreams
betrayed love
destroyed trust
It feels like being reborn
invigorating
exciting
new
to take back my maiden name
to reclaim
my heritage
my identity
my peace
my serenity
my family
my sanity
my financial security
my heart is warm
I won't just rise
I will survive
I will thrive
I will fly
like never before
"You've been remade" by Tenth Avenue North
Friday, November 10, 2017
Oh happy day
One letter in the mailbox yesterday
from the court
the divorce was finally final a couple days ago
after a brief happy dance on the front porch,
I started emailing and texting friends and family
the good news of my freedom from insanity
despite his 'best' efforts to delay me
not to mention him paying a lawyer for
absolutely nothing
I celebrated by hanging out with my bestie
nibbling/sipping on cheese and chicken and Dr. Pepper
watching movies and laughing and planning
the rest of my gloriously single life...
never again
never
ever
will I remarry
EVER
my life is amazing, just the way it is
"We are never ever getting back together" by Taylor Swift
from the court
the divorce was finally final a couple days ago
after a brief happy dance on the front porch,
I started emailing and texting friends and family
the good news of my freedom from insanity
despite his 'best' efforts to delay me
not to mention him paying a lawyer for
absolutely nothing
I celebrated by hanging out with my bestie
nibbling/sipping on cheese and chicken and Dr. Pepper
watching movies and laughing and planning
the rest of my gloriously single life...
never again
never
ever
will I remarry
EVER
my life is amazing, just the way it is
"We are never ever getting back together" by Taylor Swift
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
Summary
This is so you
you can keep denying it
but this was the exact, precise history of
our relationship
especially the line about
not stopping until
I hated you more than
I ever loved you.
But
at least I can heal
from this and move on.
You are still sick.
"Lips are Movin' " by Meghan Trainor
you can keep denying it
but this was the exact, precise history of
our relationship
especially the line about
not stopping until
I hated you more than
I ever loved you.
But
at least I can heal
from this and move on.
You are still sick.
"Lips are Movin' " by Meghan Trainor
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
Unexpected tears
Every time an event evoking loss occurs
even if it is merely someone or something peripheral to my life
I find myself once again mourning old hurts,
though I am unsure if this is
actual grief or an empathetic response to
the sorrow of others.
Today, an acquaintance is being taken off life support
I feel sad for his family but
surprised by the urge to weep on his behalf
though I know he is, as he believed, joyfully in his Savior's arms
yet
I still feel an affinity for his passing and
my own anguish over recent and ancient losses
rises up and briefly enfolds me again
gently
even if it is merely someone or something peripheral to my life
I find myself once again mourning old hurts,
though I am unsure if this is
actual grief or an empathetic response to
the sorrow of others.
Today, an acquaintance is being taken off life support
I feel sad for his family but
surprised by the urge to weep on his behalf
though I know he is, as he believed, joyfully in his Savior's arms
yet
I still feel an affinity for his passing and
my own anguish over recent and ancient losses
rises up and briefly enfolds me again
gently
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