Friday, September 29, 2017

Rise

I don't usually do this - but this song expresses beautifully how I feel today.

Watch the video Rise by Katy Perry as you read the words:

************************************

I won't just survive

Oh, you will see me thrive

Can't write my story

I'm beyond the archetype

I won't just conform

No matter how you shake my core

'Cause my roots, they run deep, oh


Oh, ye of so little faith

Don't doubt it, don't doubt it

Victory is in my veins

I know it, I know it

And I will not negotiate

I'll fight it, I'll fight it

I will transform


When, when the fire's at my feet again

And the vultures all start circling

They're whispering, "You're out of time,"

But still I rise

This is no mistake, no accident

When you think the final nail is in

Think again

Don't be surprised

I will still rise


I must stay conscious

Through the madness and chaos

So I call on my angels

They say


Oh, ye of so little faith

Don't doubt it, don't doubt it

Victory is in your veins

You know it, you know it

And you will not negotiate

Just fight it, just fight it

And be transformed


'Cause when, when the fire's at my feet again

And the vultures all start circling

They're whispering, "You're out of time,"

But still I rise

This is no mistake, no accident

When you think the final nail is in

Think again

Don't be surprised

I will still rise


Don't doubt it, don't doubt it

Oh, oh, oh, oh

You know it, you know it

Still rise

Just fight it, just fight it

Don't be surprised

I will still rise

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Chant

It is not my fault

I was honest

I am and was who I really am

I did not seek to deceive

I gave my whole heart

I was fully committed

I did not have an agenda

I did not mask a mental illness

I did not cheat

It is not my fault

I gave it my all


Tuesday, September 26, 2017

...and the healing begins...

Today, a phone call from
an old dear friend who moved away
five years ago, but who was such
a critical part of my healing from
an abusive relationship that ended
in 2001.
I would not be where I am at today
without her.

She is moving back this week and
she asked to come over this evening.
I said yes.

As I wait for her to come over tonight,
I suddenly realize that
I am at a similar juncture
to the one in the early 2000s
hurting and in need of healing.
God put this fabulous woman
in my life
once again
at exactly
the right time.

I am so blessed.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Mixed metaphors ahead

It's tempting
to sit in the ashes
of the immolation of my marriage
within the perfect egg of survival
and never emerge.
Despite the warmth of the encouraging embers
and the certain mythical legend of rebirth,
the shell protects me.
Yet, my destiny is to be reborn,
to survive and grow and fly
What might emerge from the phoenix egg?
I suspect it is my truest self
a winged whole person
finally free of the baggage
and the pain and the damage and the betrayal,
shining whole, unmarred, a beacon
to self and others and God

Crack.

Friday, September 22, 2017

Wind beneath my wings

Wow.

More proof is in.

More people stepping forward to confirm

my intuition and the evidence about

certain people and circumstances.

Not going to get away with anything

professionals and friends alike

standing behind and beside me

leading me in

validation, love, support

I am blessed.




Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Recovery

Recovery is the light to my path
the glow in my soul
the design to my days

I will not tolerate it being disregarded and insulted
by those who really know NOTHING about it

It works. It really works. It's a shame when it didn't work for others . But...one must really gave it an honest try
(there's that word again...honest)

I can't believe they thought that would fly,
telling me recovery doesn't work in relationships

Millions of ACTUAL RECOVERING folks
would respectfully disagree based on their actual experience.

Including me.



Done, done, done

I can't stop people from reading my writing
on this blog and others
but I will continue to tell my truth

My truth right now is that it is time
to prune the dead wood in my life
friends lists need to be tightened up
some folks need to be blocked completely

No more nostalgic clinging to past relationships
or tenuous connections, especially with folks
I have never and will never meet
or never want to see again

There will no more pretending that 'things' are ok
I will not be bullied into accepting another's reality
perceptions or opinions
so that they can be okay with themselves while
I am fucked up by their self-righteous harassment

If you can't handle what's going on
then please block me
lose my phone number and email
stop surf stalking my blogs and sites

Just stop. Go away. You know who you are.

Enough. Life is too short to not have peace.

And I will have it, as I continue to clean spiritual and virtual house

Truth is powerful. And healing. And it is the truth.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Firing on all cylinders

After weeks...nay, months
feeling like I am walking through concrete
no sunshine of the spirit
no hope
no positive input

dragging, debilitating despair

I finally woke up the last couple days

Not sure what has changed

supplements have been tweaked slightly
conversations have taken place
decisions have been made
exercise patterns have begun/changed
bullshit is no longer tolerated
significant dates have passed or expired

the world is suddenly shockingly brighter
the brain is clicking away, churning out
ideas, plans, plots, hopes, dreams, trips, future
energy is rising and tasks long neglected are
being examined, evaluated, executed
sleep is longer, better, more restful

it's good to be back



Sunday, September 17, 2017

Two D/daddies

oh

He just told me
why I had to go through this
this pain and sadness and betrayal

He wanted to give me my earthly father
and allowed another to make that happen

He is sorry that it had to be so painful
but it was necessary to slowly open that door
in my soul, so long barred

He holds me tenderly, dabbing my tears and
cooling my raging heart with His love

reminding me gently that He always intends
the best for me
even if it doesn't feel like it
at the time

Yesterday was completion, healing

oh

thank you

Love...at last

Grateful for the renewed relationship with my dad
not really sure if we ever had one until after
his bride left us but
slowly, slowly, over the last seven years
glimmers of the dad of my childhood
and something, someone more than that
has emerged until those traces melded together
and became him, who he is now
without her
a him who is kinder, gentler,
yet more assertive
with his daughters and any other interfering individual
who might assume they had the right or duty to tell him
how to live his life.
yesterday
I saw that renewed father
fully, sweetly present.
I finally told him about the changes in my life,
his face brimmed with compassion and love
as he listened and affirmed and validated
my words, my decisions, my tears, my sadness
gently sharing his thoughts and perceptions
how gratified I am
for his tender acceptance of me
with all my flaws, struggles, stumbling,
differences of faith
loving me despite and maybe because of
imperfections and differences

the face of my Heavenly father in my earthly one

it is easier to arise from the ashes of my life to
live and hope and believe again
with him in my heart, right alongside Him.


Saturday, September 16, 2017

Mourning

Grief over this loss, this ending, this betrayal
has brought me to my knees with sickness, sadness
overwhelming abandonment
I have no regrets for this choice, for taking care of self
but it still hurts, still devastatingly painful
mentally staggering through each day,
with a pleasant mask on my face, because I have no desire
to re-hash my personal challenges with people who don't know me
stunned that so many people care about me,
except the one I wish would
emotionally desolate, melancholic
but firm
resolute
determined
surviving.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Self-determination

I feel
I feel the freedom
from crazy

I am loving
I am loving the peace in my head
at last. It wasn't me.

I am humbled
I am humbled by the validation
that followed from many sharing their truth

Why was I keeping his secrets?

Why was I enduring the unendurable?

Why was I taking on blame for something that was not mine?

I loved. I tried. I am done.

Free.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

No matter what

I don't eat off my food plan

I don't drink alcohol

I don't take the bait

I don't go more than a day or two without attending a recovery meeting

I don't refuse to offer recovery service to those who ask for it

I don't let others and situations endanger my sobriety and my abstinence, both hard won

I don't forget I am an alcoholic and a compulsive overeater and I am not cured of those conditions

No matter what, I don't


Saturday, September 9, 2017

Despair

fooled again
embarrassed to admit it
shame that this was not perceived
believing only the best
revealing one's true self
thinking other is doing the same

narcissism is not fixable

Friday, September 8, 2017

The Con, Part Two

You lie to my face, bald-faced lying, where you tell me I am crazy for even thinking you are lying

You lie in the face of proof of your lies and behavior and choices

You lie about what you are doing or not doing

You lie to your mother every single time I hear you talking to her

You lie to your jobs, your therapists, your workers, your doctors

You lie about your recovery (there isn't any) and especially about your clean/sober time

You lied to and abused the hell out of recovery people who were only trying to help you

You have lied about your supposed disability, your exes, your behavior, your past

You spin and twist and manipulate everything you do and

   everything I do and and everything I say, trying to make me the bad one, the liar

   when really, the bad stuff is in your head and you are the twisted one

You lie by omission, by silence, by shouting, by name-calling, by bullying

You think that stating something loudly and repeatedly makes it true

Well, it doesn't.

Who the fuck are you?

You lie

And you know I am telling the truth.

Because I can't lie. I never could.

And I won't.

The Con, Part One