I don't usually do this - but this song expresses beautifully how I feel today.
Watch the video Rise by Katy Perry as you read the words:
************************************
I won't just survive
Oh, you will see me thrive
Can't write my story
I'm beyond the archetype
I won't just conform
No matter how you shake my core
'Cause my roots, they run deep, oh
Oh, ye of so little faith
Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Victory is in my veins
I know it, I know it
And I will not negotiate
I'll fight it, I'll fight it
I will transform
When, when the fire's at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They're whispering, "You're out of time,"
But still I rise
This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in
Think again
Don't be surprised
I will still rise
I must stay conscious
Through the madness and chaos
So I call on my angels
They say
Oh, ye of so little faith
Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Victory is in your veins
You know it, you know it
And you will not negotiate
Just fight it, just fight it
And be transformed
'Cause when, when the fire's at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They're whispering, "You're out of time,"
But still I rise
This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in
Think again
Don't be surprised
I will still rise
Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Oh, oh, oh, oh
You know it, you know it
Still rise
Just fight it, just fight it
Don't be surprised
I will still rise
NaPoWriMo...and beyond... Prosey poetry and free verse. Unapologetically real recovery. My words, my life, my experience.
Friday, September 29, 2017
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Chant
It is not my fault
I was honest
I am and was who I really am
I did not seek to deceive
I gave my whole heart
I was fully committed
I did not have an agenda
I did not mask a mental illness
I did not cheat
It is not my fault
I gave it my all
I was honest
I am and was who I really am
I did not seek to deceive
I gave my whole heart
I was fully committed
I did not have an agenda
I did not mask a mental illness
I did not cheat
It is not my fault
I gave it my all
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
...and the healing begins...
Today, a phone call from
an old dear friend who moved away
five years ago, but who was such
a critical part of my healing from
an abusive relationship that ended
in 2001.
I would not be where I am at today
without her.
She is moving back this week and
she asked to come over this evening.
I said yes.
As I wait for her to come over tonight,
I suddenly realize that
I am at a similar juncture
to the one in the early 2000s
hurting and in need of healing.
God put this fabulous woman
in my life
once again
at exactly
the right time.
I am so blessed.
an old dear friend who moved away
five years ago, but who was such
a critical part of my healing from
an abusive relationship that ended
in 2001.
I would not be where I am at today
without her.
She is moving back this week and
she asked to come over this evening.
I said yes.
As I wait for her to come over tonight,
I suddenly realize that
I am at a similar juncture
to the one in the early 2000s
hurting and in need of healing.
God put this fabulous woman
in my life
once again
at exactly
the right time.
I am so blessed.
Saturday, September 23, 2017
Mixed metaphors ahead
It's tempting
to sit in the ashes
of the immolation of my marriage
within the perfect egg of survival
and never emerge.
Despite the warmth of the encouraging embers
and the certain mythical legend of rebirth,
the shell protects me.
Yet, my destiny is to be reborn,
to survive and grow and fly
What might emerge from the phoenix egg?
I suspect it is my truest self
a winged whole person
finally free of the baggage
and the pain and the damage and the betrayal,
shining whole, unmarred, a beacon
to self and others and God
to sit in the ashes
of the immolation of my marriage
within the perfect egg of survival
and never emerge.
Despite the warmth of the encouraging embers
and the certain mythical legend of rebirth,
the shell protects me.
Yet, my destiny is to be reborn,
to survive and grow and fly
What might emerge from the phoenix egg?
I suspect it is my truest self
a winged whole person
finally free of the baggage
and the pain and the damage and the betrayal,
shining whole, unmarred, a beacon
to self and others and God
Crack.
Friday, September 22, 2017
Wind beneath my wings
Wow.
More proof is in.
More people stepping forward to confirm
my intuition and the evidence about
certain people and circumstances.
Not going to get away with anything
professionals and friends alike
standing behind and beside me
leading me in
validation, love, support
I am blessed.
More proof is in.
More people stepping forward to confirm
my intuition and the evidence about
certain people and circumstances.
Not going to get away with anything
professionals and friends alike
standing behind and beside me
leading me in
validation, love, support
I am blessed.
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
Recovery
Recovery is the light to my path
the glow in my soul
the design to my days
I will not tolerate it being disregarded and insulted
by those who really know NOTHING about it
It works. It really works. It's a shame when it didn't work for others . But...one must really gave it an honest try
(there's that word again...honest)
I can't believe they thought that would fly,
telling me recovery doesn't work in relationships
Millions of ACTUAL RECOVERING folks
would respectfully disagree based on their actual experience.
Including me.
the glow in my soul
the design to my days
I will not tolerate it being disregarded and insulted
by those who really know NOTHING about it
It works. It really works. It's a shame when it didn't work for others . But...one must really gave it an honest try
(there's that word again...honest)
I can't believe they thought that would fly,
telling me recovery doesn't work in relationships
Millions of ACTUAL RECOVERING folks
would respectfully disagree based on their actual experience.
Including me.
Done, done, done
I can't stop people from reading my writing
on this blog and others
but I will continue to tell my truth
My truth right now is that it is time
to prune the dead wood in my life
friends lists need to be tightened up
some folks need to be blocked completely
No more nostalgic clinging to past relationships
or tenuous connections, especially with folks
I have never and will never meet
or never want to see again
There will no more pretending that 'things' are ok
I will not be bullied into accepting another's reality
perceptions or opinions
so that they can be okay with themselves while
I am fucked up by their self-righteous harassment
If you can't handle what's going on
then please block me
lose my phone number and email
stop surf stalking my blogs and sites
Just stop. Go away. You know who you are.
Enough. Life is too short to not have peace.
And I will have it, as I continue to clean spiritual and virtual house
Truth is powerful. And healing. And it is the truth.
on this blog and others
but I will continue to tell my truth
My truth right now is that it is time
to prune the dead wood in my life
friends lists need to be tightened up
some folks need to be blocked completely
No more nostalgic clinging to past relationships
or tenuous connections, especially with folks
I have never and will never meet
or never want to see again
There will no more pretending that 'things' are ok
I will not be bullied into accepting another's reality
perceptions or opinions
so that they can be okay with themselves while
I am fucked up by their self-righteous harassment
If you can't handle what's going on
then please block me
lose my phone number and email
stop surf stalking my blogs and sites
Just stop. Go away. You know who you are.
Enough. Life is too short to not have peace.
And I will have it, as I continue to clean spiritual and virtual house
Truth is powerful. And healing. And it is the truth.
Monday, September 18, 2017
Firing on all cylinders
After weeks...nay, months
feeling like I am walking through concrete
no sunshine of the spirit
no hope
no positive input
dragging, debilitating despair
I finally woke up the last couple days
Not sure what has changed
supplements have been tweaked slightly
conversations have taken place
decisions have been made
exercise patterns have begun/changed
bullshit is no longer tolerated
significant dates have passed or expired
the world is suddenly shockingly brighter
the brain is clicking away, churning out
ideas, plans, plots, hopes, dreams, trips, future
energy is rising and tasks long neglected are
being examined, evaluated, executed
sleep is longer, better, more restful
it's good to be back
feeling like I am walking through concrete
no sunshine of the spirit
no hope
no positive input
dragging, debilitating despair
I finally woke up the last couple days
Not sure what has changed
supplements have been tweaked slightly
conversations have taken place
decisions have been made
exercise patterns have begun/changed
bullshit is no longer tolerated
significant dates have passed or expired
the world is suddenly shockingly brighter
the brain is clicking away, churning out
ideas, plans, plots, hopes, dreams, trips, future
energy is rising and tasks long neglected are
being examined, evaluated, executed
sleep is longer, better, more restful
it's good to be back
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Two D/daddies
oh
He just told me
why I had to go through this
this pain and sadness and betrayal
He wanted to give me my earthly father
and allowed another to make that happen
He is sorry that it had to be so painful
but it was necessary to slowly open that door
in my soul, so long barred
He holds me tenderly, dabbing my tears and
cooling my raging heart with His love
reminding me gently that He always intends
the best for me
even if it doesn't feel like it
at the time
Yesterday was completion, healing
oh
thank you
He just told me
why I had to go through this
this pain and sadness and betrayal
He wanted to give me my earthly father
and allowed another to make that happen
He is sorry that it had to be so painful
but it was necessary to slowly open that door
in my soul, so long barred
He holds me tenderly, dabbing my tears and
cooling my raging heart with His love
reminding me gently that He always intends
the best for me
even if it doesn't feel like it
at the time
Yesterday was completion, healing
oh
thank you
Love...at last
Grateful for the renewed relationship with my dad
not really sure if we ever had one until after
his bride left us but
slowly, slowly, over the last seven years
glimmers of the dad of my childhood
and something, someone more than that
has emerged until those traces melded together
and became him, who he is now
without her
a him who is kinder, gentler,
yet more assertive
with his daughters and any other interfering individual
who might assume they had the right or duty to tell him
how to live his life.
yesterday
I saw that renewed father
fully, sweetly present.
I finally told him about the changes in my life,
his face brimmed with compassion and love
as he listened and affirmed and validated
my words, my decisions, my tears, my sadness
gently sharing his thoughts and perceptions
how gratified I am
for his tender acceptance of me
with all my flaws, struggles, stumbling,
differences of faith
loving me despite and maybe because of
imperfections and differences
the face of my Heavenly father in my earthly one
it is easier to arise from the ashes of my life to
live and hope and believe again
with him in my heart, right alongside Him.
not really sure if we ever had one until after
his bride left us but
slowly, slowly, over the last seven years
glimmers of the dad of my childhood
and something, someone more than that
has emerged until those traces melded together
and became him, who he is now
without her
a him who is kinder, gentler,
yet more assertive
with his daughters and any other interfering individual
who might assume they had the right or duty to tell him
how to live his life.
yesterday
I saw that renewed father
fully, sweetly present.
I finally told him about the changes in my life,
his face brimmed with compassion and love
as he listened and affirmed and validated
my words, my decisions, my tears, my sadness
gently sharing his thoughts and perceptions
how gratified I am
for his tender acceptance of me
with all my flaws, struggles, stumbling,
differences of faith
loving me despite and maybe because of
imperfections and differences
the face of my Heavenly father in my earthly one
it is easier to arise from the ashes of my life to
live and hope and believe again
with him in my heart, right alongside Him.
Saturday, September 16, 2017
Mourning
Grief over this loss, this ending, this betrayal
has brought me to my knees with sickness, sadness
overwhelming abandonment
I have no regrets for this choice, for taking care of self
but it still hurts, still devastatingly painful
mentally staggering through each day,
with a pleasant mask on my face, because I have no desire
to re-hash my personal challenges with people who don't know me
stunned that so many people care about me,
except the one I wish would
emotionally desolate, melancholic
but firm
resolute
determined
surviving.
has brought me to my knees with sickness, sadness
overwhelming abandonment
I have no regrets for this choice, for taking care of self
but it still hurts, still devastatingly painful
mentally staggering through each day,
with a pleasant mask on my face, because I have no desire
to re-hash my personal challenges with people who don't know me
stunned that so many people care about me,
except the one I wish would
emotionally desolate, melancholic
but firm
resolute
determined
surviving.
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Self-determination
I feel
I feel the freedom
from crazy
I am loving
I am loving the peace in my head
at last. It wasn't me.
I am humbled
I am humbled by the validation
that followed from many sharing their truth
Why was I keeping his secrets?
Why was I enduring the unendurable?
Why was I taking on blame for something that was not mine?
I loved. I tried. I am done.
Free.
I feel the freedom
from crazy
I am loving
I am loving the peace in my head
at last. It wasn't me.
I am humbled
I am humbled by the validation
that followed from many sharing their truth
Why was I keeping his secrets?
Why was I enduring the unendurable?
Why was I taking on blame for something that was not mine?
I loved. I tried. I am done.
Free.
Sunday, September 10, 2017
No matter what
I don't eat off my food plan
I don't drink alcohol
I don't take the bait
I don't go more than a day or two without attending a recovery meeting
I don't refuse to offer recovery service to those who ask for it
I don't let others and situations endanger my sobriety and my abstinence, both hard won
I don't forget I am an alcoholic and a compulsive overeater and I am not cured of those conditions
No matter what, I don't
I don't drink alcohol
I don't take the bait
I don't go more than a day or two without attending a recovery meeting
I don't refuse to offer recovery service to those who ask for it
I don't let others and situations endanger my sobriety and my abstinence, both hard won
I don't forget I am an alcoholic and a compulsive overeater and I am not cured of those conditions
No matter what, I don't
Saturday, September 9, 2017
Despair
fooled again
embarrassed to admit it
shame that this was not perceived
believing only the best
revealing one's true self
thinking other is doing the same
narcissism is not fixable
narcissism is not fixable
Friday, September 8, 2017
The Con, Part Two
You lie to my face, bald-faced lying, where you tell me I am crazy for even thinking you are lying
You lie in the face of proof of your lies and behavior and choices
You lie about what you are doing or not doing
You lie to your mother every single time I hear you talking to her
You lie to your jobs, your therapists, your workers, your doctors
You lie about your recovery (there isn't any) and especially about your clean/sober time
You lied to and abused the hell out of recovery people who were only trying to help you
You have lied about your supposed disability, your exes, your behavior, your past
You spin and twist and manipulate everything you do and
everything I do and and everything I say, trying to make me the bad one, the liar
when really, the bad stuff is in your head and you are the twisted one
You lie by omission, by silence, by shouting, by name-calling, by bullying
You think that stating something loudly and repeatedly makes it true
Well, it doesn't.
Who the fuck are you?
You lie
And you know I am telling the truth.
Because I can't lie. I never could.
And I won't.
The Con, Part One
You lie in the face of proof of your lies and behavior and choices
You lie about what you are doing or not doing
You lie to your mother every single time I hear you talking to her
You lie to your jobs, your therapists, your workers, your doctors
You lie about your recovery (there isn't any) and especially about your clean/sober time
You lied to and abused the hell out of recovery people who were only trying to help you
You have lied about your supposed disability, your exes, your behavior, your past
You spin and twist and manipulate everything you do and
everything I do and and everything I say, trying to make me the bad one, the liar
when really, the bad stuff is in your head and you are the twisted one
You lie by omission, by silence, by shouting, by name-calling, by bullying
You think that stating something loudly and repeatedly makes it true
Well, it doesn't.
Who the fuck are you?
You lie
And you know I am telling the truth.
Because I can't lie. I never could.
And I won't.
The Con, Part One
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