Wednesday, July 3, 2019

Sweetness

Dating again

always surprising, what happens.


This time, it feels like I am 16

but a health, stable, emotionally secure sixteen.

It all seems so new, bright, and un-freighted

with either person's emotional baggage or romantic history.


He is calm, peaceful, romantic, sensual...

...and does not push his ego or agenda on

the developing relationship.

Startling, to really be given honesty -

instead of being told that what is displayed is real and true,

he shows me.


His words match his actions.

He is not trying to bullshit me or baffle me.

I see the difference now.


And...I feel it.

It is innocent, sweet, refreshing, and

joyful.


Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Love, Actually

I keep looking.

And I keep hoping.

And once again

against all odds

the possibility has emerged

that someone has found me

and is willing and able

to try

and not just to try

but to do

whatever it takes

to make it work

if this is a match.

Faithful hope

may be finally rewarded.

Saturday, June 1, 2019

Garlic scapes

finally planting the bulbs

that should have been inhumed

last autumn

a perfectly perfect spring day

in Wyoming

moderate temps

no snow

faint breeze

listening to birds singing

kids screaming with the joy of being alive

watching a million fairies

piloting puffs of cotton

like a magic cloud of mystical beings

in my own backyard,

surrounded by the innocence

and delight

of being

alive

Sunday, May 19, 2019

The Look

Ruminating on

interactions with

the family of several

relationships past,

understanding, finally, that

what I thought were

looks of disdain or dislike

were really actually

pity

and

compassion.

They knew 

all too well

what my future would be -

the pain, the lies, the betrayals

the oft-witnessed chaos and endings.

They also knew that 

there was no point

in attempting to 

warn or enlighten me

about what was coming.

I wouldn't have listened anyway.

But now I see the reality:

they didn't dislike me

they wished they could save or protect me

from the one that they did dislike

but knowing that

they could do nothing about

either end of 

the equation.

Thursday, May 9, 2019

Evolving reality

I watch a cool movie or show

read a section of a book

peruse an internet article

overhear intense discussions.

I always learn something

from all of these sources/resources

but

I want to share all of them with someone,

cuss and discuss the topic

the theme

the action

the controversy

the politics

the beliefs

but

noone is there

and the truth is

there never really was, anyway

and

most of the time, noone got it it.

At all.

Why did I keep trying to connect?

Anyone else in the world

would have eventually "plugged in"

when they actually paid attention

and saw how much

so many of these ideas and goals

meant to me.


Monday, May 6, 2019

Still

Still lightly mourning

but mostly excited about the very positive changes

unfolding in my life.

Still slightly wishing

that things might have been different

and that compromise had been really possible.

Still blissfully content

to be stress free again and

not have to take anyone else's shit into consideration.

Still having moments where

I miss...so badly that my stomach

doubles me over with sadness.

Still sure, though, that

this was not going to work

and no more time or feelings needed to be invested.

"Still" - Lionel Richie"

Sunday, May 5, 2019

Second job

Latest random thoughts:

so many guys

just want to get laid

when what I want is

a relationship.

I'm not getting that, evidently

despite my best efforts.

So, why not parlay what they want

into an income stream?

Dude, you want to get laid

ok

cough up the money

and you get an hour of my time

after you feed me dinner on your dime.

Don't know what the rate would be

but I think dinner and dollars

is a fair exchange

for them to get what they want:

NSA sex.

I get a good meal and more money to

pay my bills

without having to put up with

their socks, slobbiness, and

emotional unavailability.

Saturday, May 4, 2019

Surfing

at an age when

most people think that

you're failing already,

I feel that I'm still rising

with every wave that I catch.

I feel happy.

Get in the water

take a dip

be happy

the water is spiritual

harmony is healing.

This is the life that I choose.

Ride with me

but be

who you need

to be.

'Yeah yeah yeahs" - Maps

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Missing...

I can't help it.
Despite knowing that it would not work,
it will never work...
for all the reasons that 
were exhaustively discussed
...or willfully ignored.
I miss the little that was.
Many times
he was a friend
and quite often
we had fun together
and I miss that
all of that
and more, although
I can't unsee
the big holes
in the fabric of that relationship that
slowly weakened and pulled the good parts apart
and neither could pick up the needle
to repair the lack.

Monday, April 29, 2019

Rah!

Tiny hiccups

stumbling

being a 'big' girl

learning to crawl

in order to learn to walk

with

my head held high.

Thinking

plotting

changing

figuring it out,

whatever 'it' might be

and doing it so, so, so very well.

I can do this

I've done it before

and now

I'm doing it even better

than I ever have before and

I am so fucking proud of myself

for doing this, this, with more

dignity, gravitas, maturity, and acceptance

than I ever have before.

'They' think I can't.

Actually...

I can.

"Shake it off" - Taylor Swift

Sunday, April 28, 2019

The exam

We bought an 'old' camper

because we both had always wanted one and

thought that rehabbing/updating this

neglected little old lady

would be fun

and

we hoped to do a lot of camping.

But, it was also as

a relationship test,

(his idea, both the test and the type of 'test')

you know

to see how we worked as a couple

on a project, how our minds and

goals meshed while pursuing

a mutual objective.

It was a test all right.

Despite striving to come up with

plans and a timeline and funds

(I was doing all the striving, mostly)

nothing ever happened with that

sad little hopeful camper.

I wished and dreamed and planned.

He did nothing

except

make excuses and rationalizations and

remained mired/paralyzed in his own

attitude and unwillingness and laziness

and

addiction.

That was the test all right.

He couldn't

(or willfully wouldn't?)

commit.

He c/wouldn't follow through.

He c/wouldn't launch.

He c/wouldn't act.

He c/wouldn't be or behave like

the man he said he was.

That was the test.

Why would he come up with

a test of himself

that he failed??

After of year of testing,

he got an "F".

I got an "A" for actually seeing

what was happening

and moving on,

more educated, much wiser, much sadder

but still hopeful, ever hopeful.

"Me" - Taylor Swift

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Blissful

Nothing like

a fresh new hair cut

a few old and new friends to

flirt, talk, or hang out with

a bunch of recovery meetings

a clean and re-organized house

to improve the mood

and the outlook.

You don't know how negative or gloomy

things might be or are

until that cloud is blown away

and you are bathed in

the sunlight of the Spirit

once again.

That darkness was more or less

self-generated, or at least,

its presence accepted,

but so was its removal and

the resultant, brilliant sunshine.

I'll keep trudging

the road of happy destiny,

happy.

"Roar" - Katy Perry

Saturday, April 20, 2019

Dread, eagerness

the last of the last things

the last contact

the final ending

the inner kids were alternately

shrieking

or

silent

in fear and apprehension.

it was a peaceful interaction

as the last threads were snipped

but their anxiety infected and weakened

our serenity.

parenting, gently, lovingly

steady

waiting

for the last

dissolution of

the final bonds.

my wings are fully spread

ready

wonder and joy and freedom

buoying me

and the kids

unfailing, always

"I am here" - Pink

Friday, April 19, 2019

Now's your moment

a kiss

that surprisingly became passionate

deep

affectionate

intimate

sexy

loving.

Surprised but delighted...

...then woke

to realize it was just a dream

a wishing

an impossibility

it never happened

on this side of the veil

"Kiss the girl" - The Little Mermaid

Thursday, April 18, 2019

Just the Way You Are

Staring at my screen
Remembering all the nights of the last year
Wishing it was different
But knowing it won't be.
Sad but pragmatic.
Someday, I'll meet the one
Who is as willing as I am

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

Better

I don't really miss him

really

him

I don't

miss

him.

But I do yearn for

the idea

the possibility

that he represented.

I know

really know now

that the better man

is out there

giving the search and

the relationship attempts

his very best too

and mourning

as do I

the disappointment

yet again.

I am ready.

I could not have appreciated and cherished

him

nearly as much as I will now.

After all, I gave them all my very best

and

not only did they not recognize

or

appreciate that,

none of them

could ever say that.

But he will.

That's how I will know it is

him.


"Better Man" by Little Big Town

Monday, April 15, 2019

I win

my mom once told me to be careful about

fighting and being the winner

vs. the loser

because one might have to live with

the loser afterwards...

so was it really worth winning?

I've let that idea guide me

but sometimes to my detriment.

I needed to win

on that day

and what I was winning was

me

my identity

my desires

my needs

my hopes

my dreams

my food abstinence.

No regrets.

did what I had to do

and, really, the other party won the same:

themselves, intact.

No one should have to cut off,

repress

discard

ignore

parts of themselves

to have a relationship/friendship

with someone else.

That's not healthy

or desirable.

Be yourself.

I will and am.

"Sober" by Pink

Sunday, April 14, 2019

Volume

Heard a thought-provoking quote:

"finding the right one is all about volume."

That is an interesting way to study, understand,

and accept

(or just, rationalize. LOL.)

my dating life

the varied and chaotic relationship history

the various successes and failures.

(My perception of those qualifiers is, quite obviously, subjective.)

But...I like the quote, so...

bring on the crowd

the mixer

the dating profile

the socializing.

It's all part of the plan.

"I am here" by Pink

Saturday, April 13, 2019

The mind, the body

my sense of self

my goals and hopes

my dreams and loves

became skewed and perverted

once again by the influence of another

forcing myself to repress, to ignore, to tolerate.

And this...dug down deep into the tissues of my body

not to mention the recesses of my mind

slowly, insidiously, destroying.

Flight and fight, all resources going to

endure the unendurable. Then

a catastrophic health event

brought me up short

to consider, carefully, that the choices I make

the thoughts I think

the feelings I feel, or don't feel,

are always encoded into my flesh

as well as my core being

and the negative ones have achieved

a level of corrosiveness and toxicity

never before experienced

despite my efforts to move away,

to go higher and better

to improve and take care of self.

I have the ability to heal myself

I am willing, mind, body, soul, heart

and I will.

This connection, so basic, so fundamental

so deliberately ignored by me at times

can no longer be disregarded.

It must be celebrated and protected.

Daily.

And anything that is not...is not.

"The Climb" by Miley Cyrus