Tuesday, May 18, 2021

Eleven years

 I’m done mourning.

Not that I really ever did very much.

These last 10 years,

I did the public ritual

the obeisance on social media and public forums.

I chose to be respectful in my own way.

For 10 years, I paid 

that last minimal amount of 

respect that 

I felt she deserved.

And it was minimal.

But in all ways, 

I didn’t feel like I even owed her that.

I did it for my inner children 

who still loved her

and for my own peace of mind.

That’s enough.


Wednesday, April 14, 2021

“The Dream”: last act

That slow awareness

of your awaited presence.

You were calm,

your long-missed 

and longed-for 

gentle strength 

coming through strongly.

There was no doubt it was you, here. There.

I was saddened again 

but soothed to feel your presence.

“At Last”.

Together, with your lead,

we mentally flip through the

tender, unforgettable memories of 

our early acquaintance,

the fairy tale dating and wedding 

and finally, 

our early married life,

so sweet.

Such utterly precious days and nights.

You stopped us there.

You gently reminded me

how much you loved me

and how much I loved you.

We were both grateful to remember,

together.

We tearfully exchanged our 

definitively last apologies

and 

said our reluctant, lingering goodbyes 

for the absolutely last time, 

and 

then you were slowly, slowly gone

for the last time.

I slept quietly that night, 

finally at peace

with your final leaving.

Thursday, March 18, 2021

What’s different

I haven’t experienced this much freedom

since college graduation .

I loll on my bed in my tiny apartment in the new town 

during a break from work 

gazing contentedly out the spring-open window at

distant snowcapped mountains

as the cool spring breeze wraps around my face and 

I remember what I thought was 

freedom, 

mere days of freedom at graduation 

before I moved to the coast to 

live with my first husband...

And with all the commitments and trappings 

that came after that, 

like kids and mortgages and pets and jobs

endings and deaths and health challenges.

Many days in that time, nay, weeks and months and years,  

that felt more like jail or torture or both.

But now, 

I now have the mental health to go with the sense of freedom, 

the sanity and clarity and peace that 

I really knew nothing about 

in my 20s.

Monday, February 15, 2021

The journey to the Summerland

It’s breathtaking,

the speed at which life is going these days.

It’s also shocking how quickly

my fellow travelers are falling away.

For some, the release from their

torment or pain, 

I do not begrudge them and indeed 

celebrate their freedom, 

as the wheel turns.

But it’s getting lonelier.

I’m not alone.

I am surrounded by people that 

love me and support me.

But there’s getting to be fewer and fewer

all the time

of those who knew me 

when I was young, or younger, anyway.

That ancient, mere ripple of 

who I am now

is no longer able to be reflected 

in their eyes.

Now 

I have to remember

by myself.

Thursday, December 24, 2020

Accomplishments

each lurks in their solitary spaces

calling this living, happiness, choice 

when all the others are gone but

it’s too exhausting 

and always disappointing 

to seek replacements 

so they squat, elderly hibernation 

cocooned in the detritus 

of lives well lived

or just the dregs of all that 

came and went, before

before now

before the vacuum

ghostly, gutted goals and dreams

all for what

even faith a tattered 

threadbare wrap 

keeping out nothing

but somehow

holding in everything 


Sunday, November 29, 2020

Dreams of the (soon to be) past

At my dad’s house,

various people mill about

scarcely glancing at me

as they go about their business.

It’s like they don’t even see me

...like I’m not even there...

but I know they do

as their eyes cut toward me

briefly

as they hurry off

to do the things 

they have to do.

I watch, bemused, silent 

as friends and exes and 

even sisters

rush about and leave

without a word

and barely a side glance.

And that only from a few of them.

I wonder

who is leaving whom behind.

My mournful daddy stays, barely present.

He’s the only one that really looks at me.

But he’s not really there either.


Wednesday, October 21, 2020

Dedication

 To the

biological agents of

my existence:

blaming me for the 

fact of

the chaos

abuse

dysfunction

manipulative neglect

of my upbringing

and the after effects

in my adult years

well

it didn't take.

It wasn't my responsibility.

And it never was.

Suck it up.


Tuesday, October 13, 2020

In one year

It's all gone

Everything has been removed

All attachments

All obstacles

All friendships

All friendships

All local community

Family relationships are tattered , sundered, or nonexistent

Romantic possibilities vaporized one after the other without hardly a trace

At the time, all of the above was very painful

in the rearview mirror, the path is now so clear

The way has been cleared

Steps have been taken

God put up the sign posts

And invited me to travel

I am ready


Wednesday, October 7, 2020

Moving dreams

Why were any of my ex-husbands there?

being critical assholes but also being 

supposedly supportive and friendly and

pretending like we still had viable relationships

so weird to be helped and tripped at the same moment.

I was rightly reserved and suspicious of them

while others in the dream swarmed, alternately critical 

and 'helpful' in their advice and comments,

supposedly packing and such, but really, just making a bigger mess

than was already going on in

the usual general chaos of a home in the stages of moving.

When Mom showed up with Dad in tow,

her mouth running along the same old lines it always did,

I had to wake up in self defense.

Not listening to that shit any more either!

This is happening whether y'all like it or not.

Who asked your opinion and advice anyway,

especially the deceased?

Beat it. Life is for the living.

Though with some of the living, it's hard to tell they are.

Tuesday, September 29, 2020

In one hour

Early mornings

always burdened with 

body pain and despair

and wisps, 

sometimes torrents, 

of bad dreams,

a positive outlook is difficult to find.

Coffee, prayer, meditation

a fuzzy blanket, first daily inventory.

Within a mere sixty minutes,

a glimmer of hope arises

as the brain begins to tick

with ideas, guidance, inspiration

The perling warmth and surety

of the universe creeping 

once again

through 

the cells and the spirit

full to bursting with

that glow.


Friday, September 11, 2020

In one moment

In one moment

things ended.

A long time later,

another one moment,

the rage briefly flared

to inadvertently witness

the truth of the lies he told.

A twinge of sorrow, yet still

I was glad

to not have waited 

for the never-to-be offered 

so-called

‘best.’


Saturday, August 22, 2020

Then and now















Some days
just remembering
how much you loved me
oh, how you loved me.

I didn't imagine that.

And I loved you too
adored you, in fact
still do, in fact
but there seems to be
no fix
broken trust and dishonesty
the twin nuclear bombs
of relationship endings.

But I miss you still
and I love you
oh
how
I
did.

Still.




Tuesday, August 11, 2020

The Big C

You know what

I can't even cry

and 

sadness 

is more of 

an intellectual exercise 

than anything.

That fucking cancerous hell

is here 

in the life of 

someone I love 

and 

there is 

nothing 

we can do

except hunker down 

and wait 

for the storm 

...and his life...

to slowly pass.

Monday, July 20, 2020

Positivity

 








Image credit


sometimes

I need a reminder

to stop always looking at

the ass-end of life

and seek out the affirming.

My glimmers are

books

crafting

napping

a recovery meeting or three

cooking

affirmations

meditation

star trek binges

cartoons

blasting heavy metal music.

Hmmmm

I glimmer a lot

especially on weekends

but that's good.

Thursday, July 16, 2020

Weary of the haters

Lately

seems like every time 

I open my mouth

to share my truth

which is also often

TRUTH

( and shared, often)

I am getting in trouble.

Shades of childhood

with mom yelling at me about 

how selfish I was for

declaring my feelings or having needs.

Shock. I was such a jerk as a kid. NOT.

Shadows of young adulthood

when people would either run away

when I vocalized my reality and pain

(okay, loudly)

or chastise or somehow 'punish' me

to achieve my silence and compliance.

Really? Haven't women been oppressed

enough through history? And so you are

going to call me a slut or a lesbian

or fire me or break up with me

because I said 'no' or challenged something?

Social media is now just a new way

for anonymous others 

(like a bunch of fucking chickens)

(who need punched in their whiney, secret/lying mouths)

to 'spank' me for speaking out, 

for using ALL of my words

for protesting bad behavior

injustice

discrimination of any type.

And so...my usual refrain:

FUCK YOU.

All of you.

I don't care.

I'm not shutting up.

I'm not going away.

(You go away. You fucking go away.

Further. Yes, further. Yes...you.

Yes, you. And then...

...when you get there...

...FUCK OFF SOME MORE.)

Friday, July 10, 2020

Cleaner

Staying single this last year

...after deciding to get and

stick to that status...

has been an adventure

not unlike my early sobriety.

I know it is good for me

and that I desperately need to do it

and I feel so much better mentally and emotionally

and the peace in my home and my head is unheard of!

But...I miss the companionship and 

the occasional intimacy.

I sure don't miss the bullshit, though.

I'm not sure whose b.s. it was

mine

or his/theirs

but it's not present right now.

However that works

I'll take it.

Sunday, July 5, 2020

Power

Discrimination

Marginalization

Minimization

Segregation

Abomination

Unnatural

Perversions of god's plan.

Call it what you want,

But...

people, 

most especially and mostly white males, 

claim that these are their 

social and historical rights:

status and entitlement and

alleged genetic superiority

and 

god-given privileges.

Or,

it's tradition

and

the way 'it' has always been done.

Let's get real, real honest here.

It's really all about power.

Every 

fucking 

bit 

of 

it.

Don't you dare state that 

god, any god

gave you these rights.

Quit trying to dress up 

and justify and rationalize

your willful blindness,

your deliberate, assholish ignorance, 

your lazy, comfortable entitlement, 

your unwillingness, 

...violent unwillingness...

to give others the rights 

and privileges and power that 

you were given by an accident of birth.

A fucking accident of birth, 

you fucking pricks.


Sunday, June 28, 2020

Endings

It's broken with my family...
both of them...
like it's broken with my exes
like it's broken with many former friends. 

When trust is destroyed
absolutely and utterly gutted, 
hacked, burned to the ground
by other's carelessness or
their pathological, destructive need
for control

Despite 
my begging and efforts
any and all professional 
and 
personal resources and efforts
not to mention the all-too-oft
abject debasement and humiliation...

once that trust is cut,
is sundered, 
is cauterized

I don't know how to fix it or 
put it back together.

Trust is like 
the spinal cord of 
a relationship.

It can take a lot of insult and injury.

But once it's cut...

there seems to be no way to 
stitch that back together, 
to heal, 
to restore
no matter how 
allegedly willing 
all parties are.

Even spiritual intervention 
doesn't seemed to matter.

Which, curiously, suggests that 
that sundering 
may be a part of
self-care
personal growth
enlightenment

I can't fake it
I can't feign that 
things are okay
or getting better 
or healing

when I am surrounded by
and 
all I can see is
scorched-earth 
in all directions 
as far as the horizon.

I am weary of
emotionally bleeding out
every time I try.

The energy and the injury is too much

and I won't pretend

or try

anymore.

Monday, June 22, 2020

The eternal question

Curled up on the star-lit back patio

in an oversized zero gravity chair

on a fabulously comfortable bright cushion,

mesmerised  by the citronella candles

flickering in the fire pit,

I consider my contentment,

my delight at being alone

in this perfectly ordered world of mine.

Truly, I am very relaxed and happy.


So why, oh why,

does a tiny corner of my mind wish that...

I could be sharing this evening peace

with a partner?


It's my perfect evening.


What would be the point of screwing it up?

Monday, June 15, 2020

Get screwed

He kept a lot of my stuff.

So I kept a lot of his stuff.

One of those items was

a very nice rechargeable screwdriver.

The real irony of it all is

how much I have utilized it

to remove all traces of him 

from my home.

I sure feel a lot of glee

every time I charge it

and

use it. 

Lots of satisfaction in

throwing out piles of wood and signs 

brackets and screws, gates and furniture 

other assorted detritus....

Less and less of that trash all the time

but keeping

the tool.