Saturday, January 12, 2019

Renewal/Re-

Removing, reducing, repurposing

the energy of the house continues to brighten,

though

despite throwing out or giving away so much,

still so much more to do.

Rebuilding life and home after the

devastation of various relationships and persons

now revitalizing, especially after over a year

of enervation of pain and doubt.

He is there

he is here

willing, talkative, compromise, intelligent

refreshingly and freely attentive

after the the devitalization, destruction, demoralization

of recent years from others.

Loved and loving.

I rise, my hopes confirmed and renewed

Joy.

Hope always.

Hope is always rewarded

if patient.

Posted for Poets United Mid-Week Motif, 1/9/19

Monday, January 7, 2019

Shifting

Back and forth

up and down

in and out

the conversations meander

around various topics

decisions

perceptions

dreams

plans

ideas

thought experiments

pretty clear on where I am at, most days

but you are still traveling tasting exploring

but peaceful, faithful, communicative

contentment even in the uncertainty

enjoying the lack of confrontation and conflict

the smooth connection between us

though so different from the last twenty years of experiences

learning to like

calm tranquility equanimity accord

like I've never encountered in my life

not sure if I wasn't ready before or

unable to engage on this level

delighted to be as evolved as I am currently

and still evolving and

willing to do so

Posted for Poetry Pantry # 434, 1/6/19

"I ain't even done with the night" John Cougar Mellencamp

Thursday, December 20, 2018

Leftovers

Things

given bought acquired

by others for self

often have the energy signatures

of the bestower and their motives

which were often not 'good'.

Casting those off

no matter what the cost/scarring

is cleansing

releasing one from the bonds of

those unspoken, irremovable dishonesties.

Passing them on

or even selling them to

the heirs apparent

is sort of amusing

not to mention freeing.

They think they got something

marvelous,

got over on

'won'

when

all they got

were

the leavings

the castoffs

the dregs

the crumbs

the revolting baggage

of ...

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Wings...again

leaving that past behind

whoever pulled the trigger

is exhilarating

you don't know what is

pulling you down

how heavy IT all is

until it is fucking OFF of you

wow

the lightness of losing

about five hundred pounds

of witches and winged monkeys

(who knows which is bitch? LOL.)

mood and attitude soaring

riding the updrafts of

my new life

my life

mine

Monday, December 10, 2018

F*ck you

Crossing over to

blatant insubordination

the latest set of demands

and disrespect has gotten

my back up so high

it feels like the new Himalayas

back there

I will not quit

you will fire me

you think you know so much

you think you have control

you think you can hurt me

but

you don't know

what is coming

next

Friday, November 2, 2018

Education

I already know that

you will be directed

here to

examine the evidence of

the sort of person I am and

you will find that data

but not what they tell you

that you will find

but

you will also find

plenty of proof

regarding those who sent you here and of

who they are and not

the confirmation of my alleged crazy but

the validation of yours.

You've been wondering already,

haven't you?

take notes

please learn

your test is coming

believe me

it is coming

if you learn the lesson now

you won't fail

I had to take it more than once

but I got that PhD

pretty quickly

Monday, October 29, 2018

INFJ

Lonely

like no one understands me

mostly, I don't care

but when I meet new people

romantic or friends

there's a part of me that longs

to connect, to be known, to be celebrated

for who I am

I tend to be loyal to a point of pain

that is rarely reciprocated

though 'they' are always shocked

that I won't stay around and accept

the unacceptable, for very long

and i guess I am too much for most

because they all seem to wander

away eventually, not willing or able

to put in the effort and time to

know the real me

cherish my uniqueness

ready to stay the course

though at times, things are turbulent

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Balance

the challenge to be simultaneously autonomous and  involved

to make plans together without being clingy or insecure

and to be okay with those plans being shit-canned by one

with no real consultation or input from the other

what is normal vs. what is dysfunctional

lonely in a relationship is NOT normal, though

what's wrong with wanting to spend more time with someone?

except when they don't

and have a million reasons, all very logical and well-explained,

for why not, why they can't, why they aren't available

a day a week isn't really enough

despite evening phone calls that are rushed and stilted

full of tired, overwhelmed, duty, keeping it going

with bare minimum minimalist effort

but I am supposed to remain available, uncritical

unneeding, undemanding, unhopeful, no plans

can't have a pot to piss in or a dream to look forward to

why

why

why




Monday, October 8, 2018

Pointlessness

some days, it's like

why bother

to improve the health

the life

the flagging friendships

doesn't seem to make any difference

anyway

everyone is lazy

doing the minimum they can get away with

don't care if anything is cared for cherished

adored

it's just all dust

perception

foolish ego

random hopes

nothing

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Leaves, leaving

A song on the radio

evokes the mid 70s

and a fall day walking to school

middle school hell

away from my home which wasn't

too great of a place to be either

when you are just 13 and your

dad quit smoking and became a temporarily

temperamental monster of withdrawal.

Then, sneaking up the sidewalk in

the middle of the block

that I am not supposed to be walking through

skirting the fenced edge

of an elementary school playground

only to reach the park and gleefully

kick joyfully through gigantic leaf piles

inhaling the dry and decaying scents

leaves of all colors

grass slowly fading to yellow

overcast skies periodically part to

let the autumn sun bathe

my temporarily free face with

peace

trudging the last few blocks

gray, cracked, heaving sidewalks

only a few skittering tree droppings under my toes

I reach the door and reach for the door

dread, painfully knowing the inferno of

my peers waiting on the other side

ready to dispel and trample the bubble of calm

collected in my head in the park.

Now, I study the leaves, the air, the sun, and

just the seasonal 'air' as I carefully

pilot my craft towards work

wishing I was walking and kicking

but five miles is a long way to walk

twice a day, no matter how nostalgic

my memories are

thankful that no hell awaits me at

my destination

Monday, October 1, 2018

Again

again

starting again

every day, starting over

with the knowledge and experiences

of previous days

as a road map to

what I want

who I am

where I am going

and...

...who is going with me

which currently is

NO ONE

Monday, September 24, 2018

Present and presents

patience

dreams

empathy

vulnerability

touch

communication

intimacy

healing

peace

help

willingness

love

always love

Thursday, September 20, 2018

Fall planting

The outside air cools, briskly pressing me

to bring in my indoor plants that

spent the summer being outdoor plants

sort of like a green snowbirding to

life in the backyard.

Every room in the house requires

rearrangement to re-accommodate

the thirty or so incoming residents

at last, they are all in, lounging

on every flat, wide surface

so much bigger, taller, wider, rowdier

always taking so much more space than

when they went outside in the spring

but now they are stressed and

I am stressed

at the sudden movement and relocation

and changes in temperature and light.

Gentle music purls through the rooms as

I sing and talk and murmur to each one

as I remove dead leaves and gently

touch the soil in each pot

checking for moisture and extra 'residents'.

I light candles and distribute

ember-tipped sandwood incense

sticks throughout the house into

selected pots

I make dinner as plants and pups alike

hold their breath, vigilant, hopeful, relaxing

next each friend is carefully watered and welcomed

and we all begin to relax and rebond

as we learn to live together again

in this precious, peaceful home

Friday, September 14, 2018

Autumn skies
















The days shorter
the nights longer
the relief of
less outside tasks

more inside book reading baking dog petting blankets

summer forest fires
smokily coloring the horizon, divine orange palettes
tracing the colors and patterns and emotions
etched on clouds and retinas

the past day gradually fades

darkness and silence enfolds
recharging

golden tiara of moon
over a darkening landscape



Posted for Poets United Midweek Motif: "Sunset"
Image credit: DV

Why

I hear the words under the words
why am I not coming down today?

I don't know how you think it's going to be
I kept hoping for passion and romance
real connection

that's not what happens
I'm tired of being disappointed

while you sit there, emotionless, waiting for
the evening to be over
to go to work the next morning early

while my feelings and hope bleed out
and you don't see or pretend not to

and they don't even scab over the next day
when finally
you're now ready for me to be there

I'm already done
and gone
mentally

Monday, September 10, 2018

No, no, no



I don't think I can do this

trusting is so impossible

simply don't have that skill any longer

after the surgical precision of the

most recent relationships in removing

that part, the chemo/radiation of abuse

narcissism, repeated dishonesties

alone-ness beckons again

the peace, the nonaccountability to anyone

the lack of need

or demand

to please or care for or even take into account

others

except self

and even that is a challenge

living with someone, despite

recent tenuous assertion,

is vomitous-sounding

the long-term thoughts of

being questioned about why I did or didn't

do 'this' makes me physically sick and paralyzed

I don't want to be a housewife,

a roommate

a daughter

a sister

a mother

a full-time lover

or even, most days,

a friend

gotten a lot of bruised buttocks

in that department in the last six years

too

introvert batteries need charged

before any decisions are made

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Dumb ass #1

You can't imagine what you have done to offend me

   why I stopped our contact abruptly

not even bothering to see that contacting me

   after being blocked on social media

   after I hung up on you when you called my work number

   might NOT be desired

yet, you persisted and managed, through subterfuge, to call me at work.

Though I hung up after listening to your rationalizations for a few moments,

you just showed me again that you have no respect for

   my boundaries

and

   that you never did and that is so very clear to me now

   after 37 years of acquaintance.

Why and what, you ask?

I'm tired of being treated I have no life apart from our very infrequent, superficial conversations

tired that you act like I am still a drunk 18 year old nymphomaniac

tired that you have made no attempt to get to know the 55 year old me

tired that you whine about your kids and your wife yet expect me

   to respond to the questionable privilege of communication with you

   under these ickiest of circumstances

Fuck off.

Okay?

Just fuck off.

I don't owe you any explanations. I don't owe you anything.

This writing piece is a placeholder in my life, to remind me that you are

still an asshole

just as much as you were in 1982, when my sister punched you out

and left you lying in the hallway outside our dorm room

because she was sick of you harassing and hurting me then.

Fuck off.

Saturday, September 1, 2018

Love, actually

He describes the math of tires and rims

Height diameter inflation performance

Pulls the valve stem through the rim

Wedges the tire onto each one with

several crow bar like 'thingies'

Teaches me about rotation and

directional mounting

Under his words, 

telling me that these

tires are, according to mechanics,

the best snow tires ever,

I hear, with astonishing clarity, 

that he cares about me, my safety

our future.

A ring, four in fact, of a different sort

a new type of committing

more meaningful than

speeches or diamonds or

sexual gymnastics

Friday, August 31, 2018

Living in my body















Regretting the past

Fearing the future

Rarely in the present

or in my body

my mind always off somewhere

disassociated

obsessively reliving trauma and crisis

role playing future drama and challenges

my poor body got left behind most of the time

becoming a dusty, broken down wreck

with poor care and minimal habitation

****

Amazed at each finger, how it curls and extends

the movement and sway of hips in snug-fitting jeans

aware of every inch of skin, every touch, every freckle

every change in temperature

sudden shocks of pain in long-abused feet

slow simmering arousal, lower abdomen pulsing with life

my life

the rotation of the wrist, a miracle of divine engineering

hair a super heroine cape around the head and shoulders

random bruising on arms and legs a study in memory and activity

***

The joy of being in the present moment actually

being present, mentally present and fully plugged in

inhabiting this incredibly tolerant machine of a body

it responds astonishingly well to good nourishment, exercise,

mental gymnastics, physical gymnastics (*wink*)

just plain every day use, being used, being inhabited

being loved

by me

and

with a higher power roommate in my head

these are some pretty cool digs to be living in

at long last

Thursday, August 30, 2018

Time after time, part two





















The vultures are circling again

the last few days

the exes, that is

what is it with these men from my distant past contacting me,

hoping for a reboot?

I STILL haven't forgotten what fucktards y'all are and were

Perhaps things are different with each of you now

But on the strength of a few messages exchanged

I can tell that you all think I am still that naive young woman

who put up with your collective dysfunctional bullshit

who had no boundaries

who chose to date you for the amount of booze you drank

     (usually, you were a choice because you drank more than me)

who thought that abuse and narcissistic personalities were 'normal'

     (thanks, parental and grandparental units, for this)

Guess what?

I ain't dead and I ain't dumb

I am sober and recovering

I am no longer that young woman

I will no longer put up with your shit

I am using the block button liberally

Fuck off. LOL.

"Roar" by Katy Perry

"Time after time, part one"