Mostly I am mellow
but I do have days
when the rage rises.
The injustice of and harm from
childhood
jobs
relationships
friends
family
and I remember, once again,
that I, by playing outwardly nice
am only putting a prom dress on a pig.
Why do I keep trying to act like
everything is fine
when
IT IS FUCKING NOT?
Done again.
Done with the shit that
everyone tries to spoon feed
or dump on me by the truckload.
Fuck that shit.
Fuck you all.
Really.
No more nice girl.
Done playing.
Done being nice.
Done obeying the rules of everyone else's games.
And everyone will be so innocently like...
"What happened?"
when it is SO obvious that NONE of you having been
paying attention.
"I did something bad" by Taylor Swift
NaPoWriMo...and beyond... Prosey poetry and free verse. Unapologetically real recovery. My words, my life, my experience.
Monday, December 30, 2019
Thursday, December 26, 2019
wouldn't it be nice
somewhere
my forever man
just the way you are
all i want
a crazy little thing called love
some enchanted evening
then came you
you don't have to be a star
i will follow him
my guy
crazy for you
someone to watch over me
you're the one that I want
so happy together
reminiscing
at last
do you believe in magic?
The 100 greatest love songs
my forever man
just the way you are
all i want
a crazy little thing called love
some enchanted evening
then came you
you don't have to be a star
i will follow him
my guy
crazy for you
someone to watch over me
you're the one that I want
so happy together
reminiscing
at last
do you believe in magic?
The 100 greatest love songs
Monday, December 23, 2019
The Change
I am tired
of being sooooo accommodating
and calling it getting what I want.
I'm not
getting what I want,
that is.
Things are, as of now,
going to be drastically different.
I know what I want.
And you know what you want.
You are going to have to give me
what I want
before you get
what you want.
I have nothing to lose
by waiting.
Absolutely nothing.
Because I have been losing
all along
and I am done
with that shit.
If you don't like these terms, then
GO AWAY.
End of story.
/mic drop
of being sooooo accommodating
and calling it getting what I want.
I'm not
getting what I want,
that is.
Things are, as of now,
going to be drastically different.
I know what I want.
And you know what you want.
You are going to have to give me
what I want
before you get
what you want.
I have nothing to lose
by waiting.
Absolutely nothing.
Because I have been losing
all along
and I am done
with that shit.
If you don't like these terms, then
GO AWAY.
End of story.
/mic drop
Friday, December 13, 2019
why. bother.
All these years
been doing all the 'right' things
fidelity
honesty
'girl codes'
alleged (Christian) morality
ethics
behaving, or something like that
and just what
has that
has it gotten me?
many days, it feels like
the harder I try
or don't try
the more my ass
gets kicked.
Why bother?
Why not just be
out there
just for me
and fuck everyone else?
(literally)
been doing all the 'right' things
fidelity
honesty
'girl codes'
alleged (Christian) morality
ethics
behaving, or something like that
and just what
has that
has it gotten me?
many days, it feels like
the harder I try
or don't try
the more my ass
gets kicked.
Why bother?
Why not just be
out there
just for me
and fuck everyone else?
(literally)
Sunday, December 8, 2019
Shouldn't....
have to beg
do all the work
take all the blame, or any
be the thinker and the decider
wish for things to be different
live in a communication vacuum
wonder what is going on
stay, hoping
do all the work
take all the blame, or any
be the thinker and the decider
wish for things to be different
live in a communication vacuum
wonder what is going on
stay, hoping
Thursday, December 5, 2019
Me. After you.
You forcefully made this
my fault
with your titanic silence and coldness.
And I had my part. True.
But your behavior the last few weeks
before my 'statement' of need
suggests you were done too and
that you chose, deliberately, to be an iceberg
knowing me
knowing that this conduct
would force me to
make a decision and possibly
issue some sort of ultimatum
and then you,
true to your passive aggressive self,
would not have to do so.
I finally, reluctantly, painfully
said what I wanted.
It was not a threat or an demand.
I know I shared this tactfully
though perhaps, more detail
might have helped
if this hadn't been the opening (closing?)
you were seeking.
You then slammed the door.
And callously shammed
that this was all my blunder
when what I had hoped for
was communication and solutions.
These circumstances were not my problem.
We both know it.
"And So It Goes" - Billy Joel
my fault
with your titanic silence and coldness.
And I had my part. True.
But your behavior the last few weeks
before my 'statement' of need
suggests you were done too and
that you chose, deliberately, to be an iceberg
knowing me
knowing that this conduct
would force me to
make a decision and possibly
issue some sort of ultimatum
and then you,
true to your passive aggressive self,
would not have to do so.
I finally, reluctantly, painfully
said what I wanted.
It was not a threat or an demand.
I know I shared this tactfully
though perhaps, more detail
might have helped
if this hadn't been the opening (closing?)
you were seeking.
You then slammed the door.
And callously shammed
that this was all my blunder
when what I had hoped for
was communication and solutions.
These circumstances were not my problem.
We both know it.
"And So It Goes" - Billy Joel
Tuesday, December 3, 2019
Every. fucking. year.
Seasonal tendencies
anniversary effect
a struggle not to feel crazy, lazy, stupid
it's no wonder the holiday season is so hated
it seems all designed to make one feel less than
inadequate, boring, old, dull, useless, unlovable
a big fat loser
even new clothing, paid bills, and a clean house
is not improving the mood
wishing for something
not sure what might relieve or release these feelings
addictive behavior sure won't and
just fatally exacerbates the trend.
Isolating, hiding, hibernating, healing
hopefully....
Monday, December 2, 2019
Daughter past
The face of an old lover
on a social media platform.
Thinking about what happened
but not remembering why we lost touch.
Puzzling, thinking, ruminating
and then
the cold, angry visage arose
indifferently demanding
an abortion.
Watching his back as he
walked away
shocked at the callousness
after infrequent periods of intimacy.
I accepted that abandonment but
did not abandon
her.
She knew it though
she was not wanted either
but only one of us
had to live with that knowledge when
she surprised me by spreading her wings
and leaving me
too.
on a social media platform.
Thinking about what happened
but not remembering why we lost touch.
Puzzling, thinking, ruminating
and then
the cold, angry visage arose
indifferently demanding
an abortion.
Watching his back as he
walked away
shocked at the callousness
after infrequent periods of intimacy.
I accepted that abandonment but
did not abandon
her.
She knew it though
she was not wanted either
but only one of us
had to live with that knowledge when
she surprised me by spreading her wings
and leaving me
too.
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