Monday, December 30, 2019

B.I.T.C.H.

Mostly I am mellow

but I do have days

when the rage rises.

The injustice of and harm from

childhood

jobs

relationships

friends

family

and I remember, once again,

that I, by playing outwardly nice

am only putting a prom dress on a pig.

Why do I keep trying to act like

everything is fine

when

IT IS FUCKING NOT?

Done again.

Done with the shit that

everyone tries to spoon feed

or dump on me by the truckload.

Fuck that shit.

Fuck you all.

Really.

No more nice girl.

Done playing.

Done being nice.

Done obeying the rules of everyone else's games.

And everyone will be so innocently like...

"What happened?"

when it is SO obvious that NONE of you having been

paying attention.


"I did something bad" by Taylor Swift

Thursday, December 26, 2019

wouldn't it be nice

somewhere

my forever man

just the way you are

all i want

a crazy little thing called love

some enchanted evening

then came you

you don't have to be a star

i will follow him

my guy

crazy for you

someone to watch over me

you're the one that I want

so happy together

reminiscing

at last

do you believe in magic?


The 100 greatest love songs

Monday, December 23, 2019

The Change

I am tired

of being sooooo accommodating

and calling it getting what I want.

I'm not

getting what I want,

that is.

Things are, as of now,

going to be drastically different.

I know what I want.

And you know what you want.

You are going to have to give me

what I want

before you get

what you want.

I have nothing to lose

by waiting.

Absolutely nothing.

Because I have been losing

all along

and I am done

with that shit.

If you don't like these terms, then

GO AWAY.

End of story.

/mic drop


Friday, December 13, 2019

why. bother.

All these years

been doing all the 'right' things

fidelity

honesty

'girl codes'

alleged (Christian) morality

ethics

behaving, or something like that

and just what

has that

has it gotten me?

many days, it feels like

the harder I try

or don't try

the more my ass

gets kicked.

Why bother?

Why not just be

out there

just for me

and fuck everyone else?

(literally)

Sunday, December 8, 2019

Shouldn't....

have to beg

do all the work

take all the blame, or any

be the thinker and the decider

wish for things to be different

live in a communication vacuum

wonder what is going on

stay, hoping

Thursday, December 5, 2019

Me. After you.

You forcefully made this

my fault

with your titanic silence and coldness.

And I had my part. True.

But your behavior the last few weeks

before my 'statement' of need

suggests you were done too and

that you chose, deliberately, to be an iceberg

knowing me

knowing that this conduct

would force me to

make a decision and possibly

issue some sort of ultimatum

and then you,

true to your passive aggressive self,

would not have to do so.

I finally, reluctantly, painfully

said what I wanted.

It was not a threat or an demand.

I know I shared this tactfully

though perhaps, more detail

might have helped

if this hadn't been the opening (closing?)

you were seeking.

You then slammed the door.

And callously shammed

that this was all my blunder

when what I had hoped for

was communication and solutions.

These circumstances were not my problem.

We both know it.

"And So It Goes" - Billy Joel


Tuesday, December 3, 2019

Every. fucking. year.















Seasonal tendencies

anniversary effect

a struggle not to feel crazy, lazy, stupid

it's no wonder the holiday season is so hated

it seems all designed to make one feel less than

inadequate, boring, old, dull, useless, unlovable

a big fat loser

even new clothing, paid bills, and a clean house

is not improving the mood

wishing for something

not sure what might relieve or release these feelings

addictive behavior sure won't and

just fatally exacerbates the trend.

Isolating, hiding, hibernating, healing

hopefully....

Monday, December 2, 2019

Daughter past

The face of an old lover

on a social media platform.

Thinking about what happened

but not remembering why we lost touch.

Puzzling, thinking, ruminating

and then

the cold, angry visage arose

indifferently demanding

an abortion.

Watching his back as he

walked away

shocked at the callousness

after infrequent periods of intimacy.

I accepted that abandonment but

did not abandon

her.

She knew it though

she was not wanted either

but only one of us

had to live with that knowledge when

she surprised me by spreading her wings

and leaving me

too.