Sunday, May 19, 2019

The Look

Ruminating on

interactions with

the family of several

relationships past,

understanding, finally, that

what I thought were

looks of disdain or dislike

were really actually

pity

and

compassion.

They knew 

all too well

what my future would be -

the pain, the lies, the betrayals

the oft-witnessed chaos and endings.

They also knew that 

there was no point

in attempting to 

warn or enlighten me

about what was coming.

I wouldn't have listened anyway.

But now I see the reality:

they didn't dislike me

they wished they could save or protect me

from the one that they did dislike

but knowing that

they could do nothing about

either end of 

the equation.

Thursday, May 9, 2019

Evolving reality

I watch a cool movie or show

read a section of a book

peruse an internet article

overhear intense discussions.

I always learn something

from all of these sources/resources

but

I want to share all of them with someone,

cuss and discuss the topic

the theme

the action

the controversy

the politics

the beliefs

but

no one is there

and the truth is

there never really was, anyway

and

most of the time, they never got it.

At all.

Why did I keep trying to connect?

Anyone else in the world

would have eventually "plugged in"

when they actually paid attention

and saw how much

so many of these ideas and goals

meant to me.


Monday, May 6, 2019

Still

Still lightly mourning

but mostly excited about the very positive changes

unfolding in my life.

Still slightly wishing

that things might have been different

and that compromise had been really possible.

Still blissfully content

to be stress free again and

not have to take anyone else's shit into consideration.

Still having moments where

I miss...so badly that my stomach

doubles me over with sadness.

Still sure, though, that

this was not going to work

and no more time or feelings needed to be invested.

"Still" - Lionel Richie"

Sunday, May 5, 2019

Second job

Latest random thoughts:

so many guys

just want to get laid

when what I want is

a relationship.

I'm not getting that, evidently

despite my best efforts.

So, why not parlay what they want

into an income stream?

Dude, you want to get laid

ok

cough up the money

and you get an hour of my time

after you feed me dinner on your dime.

Don't know what the rate would be

but I think dinner and dollars

is a fair exchange

for them to get what they want:

NSA sex.

I get a good meal and more money to

pay my bills

without having to put up with

their socks, slobbiness, and

emotional unavailability.

Saturday, May 4, 2019

Surfing

at an age when

most people think that

you're failing already,

I feel that I'm still rising

with every wave that I catch.

I feel happy.

Get in the water

take a dip

be happy

the water is spiritual

harmony is healing.

This is the life that I choose.

Ride with me

but be

who you need

to be.

'Yeah yeah yeahs" - Maps