Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Missing...

I can't help it.
Despite knowing that it would not work,
it will never work...
for all the reasons that 
were exhaustively discussed
...or willfully ignored.
I miss the little that was.
Many times
he was a friend
and quite often
we had fun together
and I miss that
all of that
and more, although
I can't unsee
the big holes
in the fabric of that relationship that
slowly weakened and pulled the good parts apart
and neither could pick up the needle
to repair the lack.

Monday, April 29, 2019

Rah!

Tiny hiccups

stumbling

being a 'big' girl

learning to crawl

in order to learn to walk

with

my head held high.

Thinking

plotting

changing

figuring it out,

whatever 'it' might be

and doing it so, so, so very well.

I can do this

I've done it before

and now

I'm doing it even better

than I ever have before and

I am so fucking proud of myself

for doing this, this, with more

dignity, gravitas, maturity, and acceptance

than I ever have before.

'They' think I can't.

Actually...

I can.

"Shake it off" - Taylor Swift

Sunday, April 28, 2019

The exam

We bought an 'old' camper

because we both had always wanted one and

thought that rehabbing/updating this

neglected little old lady

would be fun

and

we hoped to do a lot of camping.

But, it was also as

a relationship test,

(his idea, both the test and the type of 'test')

you know

to see how we worked as a couple

on a project, how our minds and

goals meshed while pursuing

a mutual objective.

It was a test all right.

Despite striving to come up with

plans and a timeline and funds

(I was doing all the striving, mostly)

nothing ever happened with that

sad little hopeful camper.

I wished and dreamed and planned.

He did nothing

except

make excuses and rationalizations and

remained mired/paralyzed in his own

attitude and unwillingness and laziness

and

addiction.

That was the test all right.

He couldn't

(or willfully wouldn't?)

commit.

He c/wouldn't follow through.

He c/wouldn't launch.

He c/wouldn't act.

He c/wouldn't be or behave like

the man he said he was.

That was the test.

Why would he come up with

a test of himself

that he failed??

After of year of testing,

he got an "F".

I got an "A" for actually seeing

what was happening

and moving on,

more educated, much wiser, much sadder

but still hopeful, ever hopeful.

"Me" - Taylor Swift

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Blissful

Nothing like

a fresh new hair cut

a few old and new friends to

flirt, talk, or hang out with

a bunch of recovery meetings

a clean and re-organized house

to improve the mood

and the outlook.

You don't know how negative or gloomy

things might be or are

until that cloud is blown away

and you are bathed in

the sunlight of the Spirit

once again.

That darkness was more or less

self-generated, or at least,

its presence accepted,

but so was its removal and

the resultant, brilliant sunshine.

I'll keep trudging

the road of happy destiny,

happy.

"Roar" - Katy Perry

Saturday, April 20, 2019

Dread, eagerness

the last of the last things

the last contact

the final ending

the inner kids were alternately

shrieking

or

silent

in fear and apprehension.

it was a peaceful interaction

as the last threads were snipped

but their anxiety infected and weakened

our serenity.

parenting, gently, lovingly

steady

waiting

for the last

dissolution of

the final bonds.

my wings are fully spread

ready

wonder and joy and freedom

buoying me

and the kids

unfailing, always

"I am here" - Pink

Friday, April 19, 2019

Now's your moment

a kiss

that surprisingly became passionate

deep

affectionate

intimate

sexy

loving.

Surprised but delighted...

...then woke

to realize it was just a dream

a wishing

an impossibility

it never happened

on this side of the veil

"Kiss the girl" - The Little Mermaid

Thursday, April 18, 2019

Just the Way You Are

Staring at my screen
Remembering all the nights of the last year
Wishing it was different
But knowing it won't be.
Sad but pragmatic.
Someday, I'll meet the one
Who is as willing as I am

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

Better

I don't really miss him

really

him

I don't

miss

him.

But I do yearn for

the idea

the possibility

that he represented.

I know

really know now

that the better man

is out there

giving the search and

the relationship attempts

his very best too

and mourning

as do I

the disappointment

yet again.

I am ready.

I could not have appreciated and cherished

him

nearly as much as I will now.

After all, I gave them all my very best

and

not only did they not recognize

or

appreciate that,

none of them

could ever say that.

But he will.

That's how I will know it is

him.


"Better Man" by Little Big Town

Monday, April 15, 2019

I win

my mom once told me to be careful about

fighting and being the winner

vs. the loser

because one might have to live with

the loser afterwards...

so was it really worth winning?

I've let that idea guide me

but sometimes to my detriment.

I needed to win

on that day

and what I was winning was

me

my identity

my desires

my needs

my hopes

my dreams

my food abstinence.

No regrets.

did what I had to do

and, really, the other party won the same:

themselves, intact.

No one should have to cut off,

repress

discard

ignore

parts of themselves

to have a relationship/friendship

with someone else.

That's not healthy

or desirable.

Be yourself.

I will and am.

"Sober" by Pink

Sunday, April 14, 2019

Volume

Heard a thought-provoking quote:

"finding the right one is all about volume."

That is an interesting way to study, understand,

and accept

(or just, rationalize. LOL.)

my dating life

the varied and chaotic relationship history

the various successes and failures.

(My perception of those qualifiers is, quite obviously, subjective.)

But...I like the quote, so...

bring on the crowd

the mixer

the dating profile

the socializing.

It's all part of the plan.

"I am here" by Pink

Saturday, April 13, 2019

The mind, the body

my sense of self

my goals and hopes

my dreams and loves

became skewed and perverted

once again by the influence of another

forcing myself to repress, to ignore, to tolerate.

And this...dug down deep into the tissues of my body

not to mention the recesses of my mind

slowly, insidiously, destroying.

Flight and fight, all resources going to

endure the unendurable. Then

a catastrophic health event

brought me up short

to consider, carefully, that the choices I make

the thoughts I think

the feelings I feel, or don't feel,

are always encoded into my flesh

as well as my core being

and the negative ones have achieved

a level of corrosiveness and toxicity

never before experienced

despite my efforts to move away,

to go higher and better

to improve and take care of self.

I have the ability to heal myself

I am willing, mind, body, soul, heart

and I will.

This connection, so basic, so fundamental

so deliberately ignored by me at times

can no longer be disregarded.

It must be celebrated and protected.

Daily.

And anything that is not...is not.

"The Climb" by Miley Cyrus

Friday, April 12, 2019

This war stays cold...

Done rehashing and reliving

the same old bullshit

really, REALLY, all y'all, men?

is there a factory somewhere

churning out asshole clones?

Unbelievable.

I know, I KNOW, I am positive that

I am doing all

the right things, especially the

self-care part.

Meanwhile, the clones are busy

being selfish, self-centered, narcissistic fuckers.

Get over yourself, your ex, your mommy,

your trauma, your own stupid or foolish choices,

your addictions, your rationalizations and

all the tired old lies you keep telling yourself

and me

and any other woman

unlucky enough to stray into your path.

I'm working on my stuff

why aren't you??

"We are never ever getting back together", Taylor Swift

Thursday, April 11, 2019

Persist

We got to hug again

to laugh again

to cuddle in stray corners

and talk and talk and talk...

while friends and family ghosted around us

you know, mostly the ones who are gone too.

Thank you for visiting me in my dreams.

Time runs faster every day as the

friends of my childhood pass along.

I'm still here

standing

wondering why I am

when my life looks like the aftermath

of a nuclear war

yet the crocuses of spring poke up

through the ashes and rubble and the disappointment and grief

yet

so

I trudge on.

"I'm not going to miss you" - Glenn Campbell (oh, but I will)

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Right on schedule

















So

attention

this is a message

for the newly engaged:

I am totally amused

like, hilariously

belly-holding

laugh-out-loud

entertained

that things are moving along

right on schedule

as I predicted

based on historical FACTS.

Outstanding!!!

thanks for the verification

and validation

of my feelings and decisions

AGAIN.

To her: let me know if you want to talk

AFTER it is all over...

...again....

(Sorry...but this is DEFINITELY going to hurt you. LOL.)


"Are you ready for it?" Taylor Swift

Sunday, April 7, 2019

Always

Despite not finding even a facsimile of

the partner of my dreams

(once, one of my fondest hopes)

my life is amazing

more than I could have dared hope for

stuffed to the brim with

friends, virtual and local

recovery, the twelve step kind

health

retirement options

good medical care

insurance

books

a lovely home

good food

dogs

sisters (got 5)

remaining willing and teachable

and

last but definitely not least

the God of my understanding

my best friend and love ever

holding my hand and my soul

so gently and carefully and steadily

always

"Meant to be" - Bebe Rexha

Prompted by and posted for NaPoWriMo Day 7, 2019: "write a poem of gifts and joy"

Saturday, April 6, 2019

Could

You could have been my lover
instead of just my fucker

You could have courted me
instead of doing the minimum, less than you would for a friend or employer

You could have said the words, the necessary words
instead of saying nothing

You could have been my best friend
instead of insisting on being in control, of everything

You could have listened to me
instead of framing excuses and rationalizations

You could have take meaningful, reassuring action
instead insisting that 'this' was who you are

You could have wanted to evolve, to meld, to grow
instead of being stuck in the past and the now

You could have striven to be trustworthy and respectful
instead of avoiding and sidestepping and demanding the unearned

You could have.

Prompted by and posted for NaPoWrimo, Day 6, 2019: "write a poem about the possible"

"Someone that I used to know" - Gotye

Friday, April 5, 2019

Deaf

The words, while very logical
and well thought out, are like broken glass
still not listening

Bleeding emotionally from a thousand million tiny places,
who is fostering this communication disconnect
still not hearing

The surety that one person's experience trumps the other
resulting in blunted response and hopes,
still not hearing

Frustrated by elusive sleep and willful misunderstanding
dreams plagued by daughters and dopes
still not listening

Why care. Why try. It's still always the same old shit
disappointed by the descent into pontification and pomposity
still not hearing

Stop talking, both
no one has ears
still not listening

Resigned to (and, eventually, peacefully accepting) the silence of self
the only meaningful dialogue internal
still not hearing

"Middle Fingers" - MISSIO

Prompted by and posted for NaPoWriMo Day 5, 2019

Thursday, April 4, 2019

It

Circling the drain

wearing a path in the carpet or dirt

traversing the same old emotional territory

with the same old companions

one despairs of it ever being different.

Despite climbing out of the rut, moving the furniture around,

re-carpeting, re-landscaping, re-vising, re-viewing

changing the scenery, the mind, the men

it is never the thing of hope fulfilled

why not?

despite so much effort, why not?

They duck and dodge and prevaricate and pontificate

when the truth, however bumpy and old,

would definitely serve them better

and achieve the goals of both parties.

Trudging the latest unexplored hunk of prairie, 

avoiding the holes of critters

breaking trail to avoid old treks,

eyes on the horizon, ears tuned to the whisper of it,

yet falling down yet another emotional unseen ravine

while it is ever just out of sight, though deeply felt,

never to be seen.

"All of me" - John Legend

Written and posted for NaPoWriMo 2019, Day Four prompt: "write your own sad poem, but one that...achieves sadness through simplicity"

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Nothing changes when nothing changes

Sprawling on the couch

writhing with need

studied like a clinical subject

declining to participate.

Invited to 'nap'

surprisingly, quickly close

the line is crossed.

The highways hum with hope

where, for one, there was none to be had.

Mechanized friction quickly bores

creativity rebuffed

eyes wander to others

only for the subject to suddenly

snap to, begging for monogamous attention,

then lapsing, gradually, again, into confident apathy.

Many moons of discussion

nothing is really different

laziness/indifference butted up against

hope and devotion.

Taking for granted is always fatal.

The moon is more faithful and reliable

not full of excuses and rationalizations.



Written and posted for NaPoWriMo 2019, Day Three prompt: "write something that involves a story or action that unfolds over an appreciable length of time."

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

The Big Question

I sent a missive to you then

packed with carefully thought out wording

concerns, ideas, solutions

You slammed the door, hard,

virtually and in real life.

Then

after two days of total silence

you contact me

to tell me you don't feel safe

or sure if we are together

or desirous of going forward.

So I less gently rehash many of the original points

only to be met with resistance and rationalizations.

It's all my fault.

You have been pretty perfect, by your lights

and I must be misunderstanding, according to you.

I don't think I misunderstand. At all.

Still willing to move on and not look back

yet this latest set of protestations seems designed

to make me pause and doubt.

I don't feel like pausing or doubting.

And once again, I don't think the truth is being told.

I am listening. I am waiting. I am wondering.

Which you, which story, which future, should I follow?

Or should I?

Written and posted for NaPoWriMo 2019, Day Two prompt, "write a poem that similarly resists closure by ending on a question"

Monday, April 1, 2019

The dreaded 'how to'

I am proudly a product of our times

culturally influenced to need and want certain things and behaviors

but also physically and mentally hard-wired with

   (however that came to be)

to desire to be cherished, loved, committed to

honestly, fearlessly, without violence/abuse/neglect.

Not all of that seemingly innate and cultural influence is bad

or undesirable or wrong or preposterous.

Romance, for example.

Popular culture also gives (inflicts) many ideas

upon a person on how to conduct a relationship

to make the potential or actual partner feel valued and wanted.

Here's how NOT to do it:

Don't talk endlessly about how much the dead/divorced partner is missed

Don't remind the new person how long it has been since that person passed/left, to the day and hour

Don't force the other person to repress their desire to celebrate holidays, birthdays, anniversaries

Don't minimize expressing emotions or commitment, yours or theirs

Don't get lost in grief, regrets, pain, anger, bitterness...and lose what is right in front of you

Don't act like the other's needs and wants are unreasonable, immature, stupid, weird, kinky

Don't hold back or measure out emotions, affection, commitment, yours or theirs

Don't be oblivious (deliberately or inadvertently) to another's dreams and hopes

Don't treat them like (or tell them that they are) a piece of ass

If you want it and you want to keep it...act like it.

Every day.

Not just when you want to get laid or are under threat of becoming single.

Pretty simple, right? Even when one is being gently prodded, nay, warned?

Not for some.

And if you don't want it...really don't want them on the level they want you...then let them go.

Any questions?




Day 1,  NaPoWriMo 2019. Prompt: "write poems that provide the reader with instructions on how to do something"

Bryan Adams "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman"