NaPoWriMo...and beyond... Prosey poetry and free verse. Unapologetically real recovery. My words, my life, my experience.
Monday, December 30, 2019
B.I.T.C.H.
but I do have days
when the rage rises.
The injustice of and harm from
childhood
jobs
relationships
friends
family
and I remember, once again,
that I, by playing outwardly nice
am only putting a prom dress on a pig.
Why do I keep trying to act like
everything is fine
when
IT IS FUCKING NOT?
Done again.
Done with the shit that
everyone tries to spoon feed
or dump on me by the truckload.
Fuck that shit.
Fuck you all.
Really.
No more nice girl.
Done playing.
Done being nice.
Done obeying the rules of everyone else's games.
And everyone will be so innocently like...
"What happened?"
when it is SO obvious that NONE of you having been
paying attention.
"I did something bad" by Taylor Swift
Thursday, December 26, 2019
wouldn't it be nice
my forever man
just the way you are
all i want
a crazy little thing called love
some enchanted evening
then came you
you don't have to be a star
i will follow him
my guy
crazy for you
someone to watch over me
you're the one that I want
so happy together
reminiscing
at last
do you believe in magic?
The 100 greatest love songs
Monday, December 23, 2019
The Change
of being sooooo accommodating
and calling it getting what I want.
I'm not
getting what I want,
that is.
Things are, as of now,
going to be drastically different.
I know what I want.
And you know what you want.
You are going to have to give me
what I want
before you get
what you want.
I have nothing to lose
by waiting.
Absolutely nothing.
Because I have been losing
all along
and I am done
with that shit.
If you don't like these terms, then
GO AWAY.
End of story.
/mic drop
Friday, December 13, 2019
why. bother.
been doing all the 'right' things
fidelity
honesty
'girl codes'
alleged (Christian) morality
ethics
behaving, or something like that
and just what
has that
has it gotten me?
many days, it feels like
the harder I try
or don't try
the more my ass
gets kicked.
Why bother?
Why not just be
out there
just for me
and fuck everyone else?
(literally)
Sunday, December 8, 2019
Shouldn't....
do all the work
take all the blame, or any
be the thinker and the decider
wish for things to be different
live in a communication vacuum
wonder what is going on
stay, hoping
Thursday, December 5, 2019
Me. After you.
my fault
with your titanic silence and coldness.
And I had my part. True.
But your behavior the last few weeks
before my 'statement' of need
suggests you were done too and
that you chose, deliberately, to be an iceberg
knowing me
knowing that this conduct
would force me to
make a decision and possibly
issue some sort of ultimatum
and then you,
true to your passive aggressive self,
would not have to do so.
I finally, reluctantly, painfully
said what I wanted.
It was not a threat or an demand.
I know I shared this tactfully
though perhaps, more detail
might have helped
if this hadn't been the opening (closing?)
you were seeking.
You then slammed the door.
And callously shammed
that this was all my blunder
when what I had hoped for
was communication and solutions.
These circumstances were not my problem.
We both know it.
"And So It Goes" - Billy Joel
Tuesday, December 3, 2019
Every. fucking. year.
Seasonal tendencies
anniversary effect
a struggle not to feel crazy, lazy, stupid
it's no wonder the holiday season is so hated
it seems all designed to make one feel less than
inadequate, boring, old, dull, useless, unlovable
a big fat loser
even new clothing, paid bills, and a clean house
is not improving the mood
wishing for something
not sure what might relieve or release these feelings
addictive behavior sure won't and
just fatally exacerbates the trend.
Isolating, hiding, hibernating, healing
hopefully....
Monday, December 2, 2019
Daughter past
on a social media platform.
Thinking about what happened
but not remembering why we lost touch.
Puzzling, thinking, ruminating
and then
the cold, angry visage arose
indifferently demanding
an abortion.
Watching his back as he
walked away
shocked at the callousness
after infrequent periods of intimacy.
I accepted that abandonment but
did not abandon
her.
She knew it though
she was not wanted either
but only one of us
had to live with that knowledge when
she surprised me by spreading her wings
and leaving me
too.
Saturday, November 23, 2019
The silence
speak so loudly,
it is absolutely deafening.
How does one survive and thrive
with absolutely no communication
of any kind with anyone?
Not even with the person that is
supposedly cared about?
Those three little words are barely audible
when the behavior shouts so loudly
that a crowd at a football game seems like
in contrast.
Those words, the only ones spoken,
are not enough.
Saturday, November 16, 2019
Fear
from accomplishing many things
I have wanted to do.
Fear of failure
fear of abandonment
fear of consequences
whether financial, personal, spiritual, professional, whatever
fear of hell
fear of criticism or judgment
fear of legal action
fear of addiction
fear of pain
fear of being out of pain.
That is now
done
finally.
I will do what I feel called to do.
And everyone else can be
damned.
Monday, October 14, 2019
The knowing
the portal opens
enlightenment flows through
like trickling water
like an avalanche
like a warm wind
sometimes, like all of those.
Understanding others' behaviors and changes
God's will and my willingness.
Many acting out of their own pain
trying to hurt me.
Others have served their purpose and have been removed
even family members
to my pain and sadness.
But all things and persons serve God's purpose
whether I like those purposes or not.
Saturday, September 7, 2019
Barren
but the howling emotional vacuum
of no contact with her
by her choice and silence
is more painful than could be possibly imagined.
Especially when
no reason for this is apparent.
Wishing, hoping, sad
but respectful.
After all, several generations previous
did the same thing, one for a decade
until death and regret opened that emotional door.
Imagination rushes in to fill this vacuum
but who really knows why?
Saturday, August 17, 2019
Man
Thursday, August 8, 2019
Musings on identity
I often wondered
to myself
why I was frustrated by people who
only related to me as a female
tailoring/limiting their responses and behavior
to my apparent gender, my birth gender, and
their understanding of cultural/traditional constructs
of what it was/is to be a woman.
It's not that I don't understand myself to be
a cis female.
It's that that accident of birth is not
in my perception and self-awareness
the sum of or even a significant part of
my identity.
I think of myself as a person, a human, first.
Being female is more of an afterthought
the physical, fleshly vehicle that transports my spirit
in this world.
I learned to tolerate and even 'cater to'
those whose world view and perceptions
were soooo narrow and un-informed
though I came to privately identify myself
to myself
as androgynous
and
dressed and acted accordingly
much of my adult life
(to an annoying chorus of 'lesbian' 'butch' 'bitch'. What???)
Sexually, I have always responded resoundingly
as a heterosexual female
and don't really have any interest or need
to be intimately involved with
any partners but
the occasional heterosexual male.
Though at times I have also contemplated
my sexual orientation,
recent events/person in the last decade
have clearly cleared up any tiny doubts
I might have had about being 'straight.'
Sometimes, I feel that I am monotonously so
but also feel no inclination to change that
or experiment.
Recently, I have come to understand
my orientation as more pansexual
than straight
because
I am attracted to and interested by
folks of all genders and orientations
but the mental, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual attraction
always arises when I have the privilege to be around
those who are
the open-minded, the intelligent, the compassionate, the universally spiritual.
But labels? are my self-determined ones really accurate?
My newest thought is about the idea of 'queer'.
I am not a traditional cis female, I don't feel that
my birth gender and orientation (should) define me,
but
heterosexual woman
doesn't feel accurate either.
More will be revealed.
Saturday, July 27, 2019
Dreams of my father
once again
slow down
way, way down
he's so tired.
His eyes are fixed on
that far-off final destination
which seems suddenly nearer
to me
though it was always just
right there
to him.
Sad, I know the time is almost here.
I will miss him so
but glad for the last years of his care
and friendship and finally knowing him
a little more, seeing and loving and feeling
his very dad-ness
that I didn't get to experience
until after she was gone.
His True Self is fully emerged
and he is ready.
Friday, July 26, 2019
Truly happy
though fainter
from
the receding chaos and not-my problems
the shrieking, fading, manipulative craziness
and dishonesty of
those now in the rear-view mirror
that I am not even gazing in
because my vision is directed forward
to the unfolding of the rest of my life,
an amazing, beautiful life
that I have always wanted and dreamed of
so unlike what came before
It really is happening
with more to come.
So content grateful excited
joy
always joy
because
I chose joy
daily
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
Sweetness
Dating
always surprising, what happens.
Interesting, feeling like 16
but a stable, emotionally healthy secure sixteen.
It all seemed so new, bright, and un-freighted
with either person's emotional baggage or romantic history.
Striving to be calm, peaceful, romantic, sensual...
...and to not push ego or agenda on
the developing relationship.
Startling, to really be given honesty -
instead of being told that what is displayed is real and true,
showing, not telling.
Words matching actions.
Not trying to bullshit me or baffle me.
I see the difference now.
And...I feel it.
It feels innocent, sweet, refreshing, and
joyful.
Thursday, June 6, 2019
Love, Actually
I keep looking.
And I keep hoping.
And once again
against all odds
the possibility has temporarily emerged
that someone has found me
and is willing and able
to try
and not just to try
but to do
whatever it takes
to make it work
if this is a match.
Faithful hope
may be finally rewarded.
But...probably not.
Saturday, June 1, 2019
Garlic scapes
finally planting the bulbs
that should have been inhumed
last autumn
a perfectly perfect spring day
in Wyoming
moderate temps
no snow
faint breeze
listening to birds singing
kids screaming with the joy of being alive
watching a million fairies
piloting puffs of cotton
like a magic cloud of mystical beings
in my own backyard,
surrounded by the innocence
and delight
of being
alive
Sunday, May 19, 2019
The Look
Thursday, May 9, 2019
Evolving reality
read a section of a book
peruse an internet article
overhear intense discussions.
I always learn something
from all of these sources/resources
but
I want to share all of them with someone,
cuss and discuss the topic
the theme
the action
the controversy
the politics
the beliefs
but
no one is there
and the truth is
there never really was, anyway
and
most of the time, they never got it.
At all.
Why did I keep trying to connect?
Anyone else in the world
would have eventually "plugged in"
when they actually paid attention
and saw how much
so many of these ideas and goals
meant to me.
Monday, May 6, 2019
Still
but mostly excited about the very positive changes
unfolding in my life.
Still slightly wishing
that things might have been different
and that compromise had been really possible.
Still blissfully content
to be stress free again and
not have to take anyone else's shit into consideration.
Still having moments where
I miss...so badly that my stomach
doubles me over with sadness.
Still sure, though, that
this was not going to work
and no more time or feelings needed to be invested.
"Still" - Lionel Richie"
Sunday, May 5, 2019
Second job
so many guys
just want to get laid
when what I want is
a relationship.
I'm not getting that, evidently
despite my best efforts.
So, why not parlay what they want
into an income stream?
Dude, you want to get laid
ok
cough up the money
and you get an hour of my time
after you feed me dinner on your dime.
Don't know what the rate would be
but I think dinner and dollars
is a fair exchange
for them to get what they want:
NSA sex.
I get a good meal and more money to
pay my bills
without having to put up with
their socks, slobbiness, and
emotional unavailability.
Saturday, May 4, 2019
Surfing
most people think that
you're failing already,
I feel that I'm still rising
with every wave that I catch.
I feel happy.
Get in the water
take a dip
be happy
the water is spiritual
harmony is healing.
This is the life that I choose.
Ride with me
but be
who you need
to be.
'Yeah yeah yeahs" - Maps
Friday, May 3, 2019
Tuesday, April 30, 2019
Missing...
Monday, April 29, 2019
Rah!
stumbling
being a 'big' girl
learning to crawl
in order to learn to walk
with
my head held high.
Thinking
plotting
changing
figuring it out,
whatever 'it' might be
and doing it so, so, so very well.
I can do this
I've done it before
and now
I'm doing it even better
than I ever have before and
I am so fucking proud of myself
for doing this, this, with more
dignity, gravitas, maturity, and acceptance
than I ever have before.
'They' think I can't.
Actually...
I can.
"Shake it off" - Taylor Swift
Sunday, April 28, 2019
The exam
because we both had always wanted one and
thought that rehabbing/updating this
neglected little old lady
would be fun
and
we hoped to do a lot of camping.
But, it was also as
a relationship test,
(his idea, both the test and the type of 'test')
you know
to see how we worked as a couple
on a project, how our minds and
goals meshed while pursuing
a mutual objective.
It was a test all right.
Despite striving to come up with
plans and a timeline and funds
(I was doing all the striving, mostly)
nothing ever happened with that
sad little hopeful camper.
I wished and dreamed and planned.
He did nothing
except
make excuses and rationalizations and
remained mired/paralyzed in his own
attitude and unwillingness and laziness
and
addiction.
That was the test all right.
He couldn't
(or willfully wouldn't?)
commit.
He c/wouldn't follow through.
He c/wouldn't launch.
He c/wouldn't act.
He c/wouldn't be or behave like
the man he said he was.
That was the test.
Why would he come up with
a test of himself
that he failed??
After of year of testing,
he got an "F".
I got an "A" for actually seeing
what was happening
and moving on,
more educated, much wiser, much sadder
but still hopeful, ever hopeful.
"Me" - Taylor Swift
Tuesday, April 23, 2019
Blissful
a fresh new hair cut
a few old and new friends to
flirt, talk, or hang out with
a bunch of recovery meetings
a clean and re-organized house
to improve the mood
and the outlook.
You don't know how negative or gloomy
things might be or are
until that cloud is blown away
and you are bathed in
the sunlight of the Spirit
once again.
That darkness was more or less
self-generated, or at least,
its presence accepted,
but so was its removal and
the resultant, brilliant sunshine.
I'll keep trudging
the road of happy destiny,
happy.
"Roar" - Katy Perry
Saturday, April 20, 2019
Dread, eagerness
the last contact
the final ending
the inner kids were alternately
shrieking
or
silent
in fear and apprehension.
it was a peaceful interaction
as the last threads were snipped
but their anxiety infected and weakened
our serenity.
parenting, gently, lovingly
steady
waiting
for the last
dissolution of
the final bonds.
my wings are fully spread
ready
wonder and joy and freedom
buoying me
and the kids
unfailing, always
"I am here" - Pink
Friday, April 19, 2019
Now's your moment
that surprisingly became passionate
deep
affectionate
intimate
sexy
loving.
Surprised but delighted...
...then woke
to realize it was just a dream
a wishing
an impossibility
it never happened
on this side of the veil
"Kiss the girl" - The Little Mermaid
Thursday, April 18, 2019
Just the Way You Are
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
Better
really
him
I don't
miss
him.
But I do yearn for
the idea
the possibility
that he represented.
I know
really know now
that the better man
is out there
giving the search and
the relationship attempts
his very best too
and mourning
as do I
the disappointment
yet again.
I am ready.
I could not have appreciated and cherished
him
nearly as much as I will now.
After all, I gave them all my very best
and
not only did they not recognize
or
appreciate that,
none of them
could ever say that.
But he will.
That's how I will know it is
him.
"Better Man" by Little Big Town
Monday, April 15, 2019
I win
fighting and being the winner
vs. the loser
because one might have to live with
the loser afterwards...
so was it really worth winning?
I've let that idea guide me
but sometimes to my detriment.
I needed to win
on that day
and what I was winning was
me
my identity
my desires
my needs
my hopes
my dreams
my food abstinence.
No regrets.
did what I had to do
and, really, the other party won the same:
themselves, intact.
No one should have to cut off,
repress
discard
ignore
parts of themselves
to have a relationship/friendship
with someone else.
That's not healthy
or desirable.
Be yourself.
I will and am.
"Sober" by Pink
Sunday, April 14, 2019
Volume
"finding the right one is all about volume."
That is an interesting way to study, understand,
and accept
(or just, rationalize. LOL.)
my dating life
the varied and chaotic relationship history
the various successes and failures.
(My perception of those qualifiers is, quite obviously, subjective.)
But...I like the quote, so...
bring on the crowd
the mixer
the dating profile
the socializing.
It's all part of the plan.
"I am here" by Pink
Saturday, April 13, 2019
The mind, the body
my goals and hopes
my dreams and loves
became skewed and perverted
once again by the influence of another
forcing myself to repress, to ignore, to tolerate.
And this...dug down deep into the tissues of my body
not to mention the recesses of my mind
slowly, insidiously, destroying.
Flight and fight, all resources going to
endure the unendurable. Then
a catastrophic health event
brought me up short
to consider, carefully, that the choices I make
the thoughts I think
the feelings I feel, or don't feel,
are always encoded into my flesh
as well as my core being
and the negative ones have achieved
a level of corrosiveness and toxicity
never before experienced
despite my efforts to move away,
to go higher and better
to improve and take care of self.
I have the ability to heal myself
I am willing, mind, body, soul, heart
and I will.
This connection, so basic, so fundamental
so deliberately ignored by me at times
can no longer be disregarded.
It must be celebrated and protected.
Daily.
And anything that is not...is not.
"The Climb" by Miley Cyrus
Friday, April 12, 2019
This war stays cold...
the same old bullshit
really, REALLY, all y'all, men?
is there a factory somewhere
churning out asshole clones?
Unbelievable.
I know, I KNOW, I am positive that
I am doing all
the right things, especially the
self-care part.
Meanwhile, the clones are busy
being selfish, self-centered, narcissistic fuckers.
Get over yourself, your ex, your mommy,
your trauma, your own stupid or foolish choices,
your addictions, your rationalizations and
all the tired old lies you keep telling yourself
and me
and any other woman
unlucky enough to stray into your path.
I'm working on my stuff
why aren't you??
"We are never ever getting back together", Taylor Swift
Thursday, April 11, 2019
Persist
to laugh again
to cuddle in stray corners
and talk and talk and talk...
while friends and family ghosted around us
you know, mostly the ones who are gone too.
Thank you for visiting me in my dreams.
Time runs faster every day as the
friends of my childhood pass along.
I'm still here
standing
wondering why I am
when my life looks like the aftermath
of a nuclear war
yet the crocuses of spring poke up
through the ashes and rubble and the disappointment and grief
yet
so
I trudge on.
"I'm not going to miss you" - Glenn Campbell (oh, but I will)
Wednesday, April 10, 2019
Right on schedule
So
attention
this is a message
for the newly engaged:
I am totally amused
like, hilariously
belly-holding
laugh-out-loud
entertained
that things are moving along
right on schedule
as I predicted
based on historical FACTS.
Outstanding!!!
thanks for the verification
and validation
of my feelings and decisions
AGAIN.
To her: let me know if you want to talk
AFTER it is all over...
...again....
(Sorry...but this is DEFINITELY going to hurt you. LOL.)
"Are you ready for it?" Taylor Swift
Sunday, April 7, 2019
Always
the partner of my dreams
(once, one of my fondest hopes)
my life is amazing
more than I could have dared hope for
stuffed to the brim with
friends, virtual and local
recovery, the twelve step kind
health
retirement options
good medical care
insurance
books
a lovely home
good food
dogs
sisters (got 5)
remaining willing and teachable
and
last but definitely not least
the God of my understanding
my best friend and love ever
holding my hand and my soul
so gently and carefully and steadily
always
"Meant to be" - Bebe Rexha
Prompted by and posted for NaPoWriMo Day 7, 2019: "write a poem of gifts and joy"
Saturday, April 6, 2019
Could
instead of just my fucker
You could have courted me
instead of doing the minimum, less than you would for a friend or employer
You could have said the words, the necessary words
instead of saying nothing
You could have been my best friend
instead of insisting on being in control, of everything
You could have listened to me
instead of framing excuses and rationalizations
You could have take meaningful, reassuring action
instead insisting that 'this' was who you are
You could have wanted to evolve, to meld, to grow
instead of being stuck in the past and the now
You could have striven to be trustworthy and respectful
instead of avoiding and sidestepping and demanding the unearned
You could have.
Prompted by and posted for NaPoWrimo, Day 6, 2019: "write a poem about the possible"
"Someone that I used to know" - Gotye
Friday, April 5, 2019
Deaf
and well thought out, are like broken glass
still not listening
Bleeding emotionally from a thousand million tiny places,
who is fostering this communication disconnect
still not hearing
The surety that one person's experience trumps the other
resulting in blunted response and hopes,
still not hearing
Frustrated by elusive sleep and willful misunderstanding
dreams plagued by daughters and dopes
still not listening
Why care. Why try. It's still always the same old shit
disappointed by the descent into pontification and pomposity
still not hearing
Stop talking, both
no one has ears
still not listening
Resigned to (and, eventually, peacefully accepting) the silence of self
the only meaningful dialogue internal
still not hearing
"Middle Fingers" - MISSIO
Prompted by and posted for NaPoWriMo Day 5, 2019
Thursday, April 4, 2019
It
wearing a path in the carpet or dirt
traversing the same old emotional territory
with the same old companions
one despairs of it ever being different.
Despite climbing out of the rut, moving the furniture around,
re-carpeting, re-landscaping, re-vising, re-viewing
changing the scenery, the mind, the men
it is never the thing of hope fulfilled
why not?
despite so much effort, why not?
They duck and dodge and prevaricate and pontificate
when the truth, however bumpy and old,
would definitely serve them better
and achieve the goals of both parties.
Trudging the latest unexplored hunk of prairie,
avoiding the holes of critters
breaking trail to avoid old treks,
eyes on the horizon, ears tuned to the whisper of it,
yet falling down yet another emotional unseen ravine
while it is ever just out of sight, though deeply felt,
never to be seen.
"All of me" - John Legend
Written and posted for NaPoWriMo 2019, Day Four prompt: "write your own sad poem, but one that...achieves sadness through simplicity"
Wednesday, April 3, 2019
Nothing changes when nothing changes
writhing with need
studied like a clinical subject
declining to participate.
Invited to 'nap'
surprisingly, quickly close
the line is crossed.
The highways hum with hope
where, for one, there was none to be had.
Mechanized friction quickly bores
creativity rebuffed
eyes wander to others
only for the subject to suddenly
snap to, begging for monogamous attention,
then lapsing, gradually, again, into confident apathy.
Many moons of discussion
nothing is really different
laziness/indifference butted up against
hope and devotion.
Taking for granted is always fatal.
The moon is more faithful and reliable
not full of excuses and rationalizations.
Written and posted for NaPoWriMo 2019, Day Three prompt: "write something that involves a story or action that unfolds over an appreciable length of time."
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
The Big Question
packed with carefully thought out wording
concerns, ideas, solutions
You slammed the door, hard,
virtually and in real life.
Then
after two days of total silence
you contact me
to tell me you don't feel safe
or sure if we are together
or desirous of going forward.
So I less gently rehash many of the original points
only to be met with resistance and rationalizations.
It's all my fault.
You have been pretty perfect, by your lights
and I must be misunderstanding, according to you.
I don't think I misunderstand. At all.
Still willing to move on and not look back
yet this latest set of protestations seems designed
to make me pause and doubt.
I don't feel like pausing or doubting.
And once again, I don't think the truth is being told.
I am listening. I am waiting. I am wondering.
Which you, which story, which future, should I follow?
Or should I?
Written and posted for NaPoWriMo 2019, Day Two prompt, "write a poem that similarly resists closure by ending on a question"
Monday, April 1, 2019
The dreaded 'how to'
culturally influenced to need and want certain things and behaviors
but also physically and mentally hard-wired with
(however that came to be)
to desire to be cherished, loved, committed to
honestly, fearlessly, without violence/abuse/neglect.
Not all of that seemingly innate and cultural influence is bad
or undesirable or wrong or preposterous.
Romance, for example.
Popular culture also gives (inflicts) many ideas
upon a person on how to conduct a relationship
to make the potential or actual partner feel valued and wanted.
Here's how NOT to do it:
Don't talk endlessly about how much the dead/divorced partner is missed
Don't remind the new person how long it has been since that person passed/left, to the day and hour
Don't force the other person to repress their desire to celebrate holidays, birthdays, anniversaries
Don't minimize expressing emotions or commitment, yours or theirs
Don't get lost in grief, regrets, pain, anger, bitterness...and lose what is right in front of you
Don't act like the other's needs and wants are unreasonable, immature, stupid, weird, kinky
Don't hold back or measure out emotions, affection, commitment, yours or theirs
Don't be oblivious (deliberately or inadvertently) to another's dreams and hopes
Don't treat them like (or tell them that they are) a piece of ass
If you want it and you want to keep it...act like it.
Every day.
Not just when you want to get laid or are under threat of becoming single.
Pretty simple, right? Even when one is being gently prodded, nay, warned?
Not for some.
And if you don't want it...really don't want them on the level they want you...then let them go.
Any questions?
Day 1, NaPoWriMo 2019. Prompt: "write poems that provide the reader with instructions on how to do something"
Bryan Adams "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman"
Sunday, March 31, 2019
Rationalizations
It's just you, you say
It's just your personality
You're giving it all you got
It's important, you've been thinking about it all day
Let's celebrate when you get back
. . .
Why bother, I say
If it was that important to you,
you would have
acknowledged it sooner
or made those plans before you left.
Or maybe not, my favorite, hooking our anniversary
to the anniversary of her death.
And then, in our conversation, telling me
about all the nice things you did for those
people, just showing me once again
who and what are really important
in your life
And it's not me or mine.
Self portrait as Ameratsu
life happens
pissed or hurt
the response is the same:
I exile the assholes and then
I hide in my cave
determined never to show my brilliant face again.
But...the other gods always come along
carefully mounting that mirror outside
to reflect me back to me
and draw me out
to share my light again.
Burning brightly.
That's me.
Always.
No matter how dark it gets
how painful and deep and tender the betrayal
eventually
I shine.
Posted for Pre-NaPo Prompt: write a poetic self-portrait of a mythical/historical figure
Ameratsu - Japanese Sun Goddess
Thursday, March 28, 2019
24 hours
Did you ever wonder
while taking antibiotics
why the doctor always tells you,
" You WILL feel better in about a day or so!"
WHY is that?
Do the bugs causing my illness
suddenly receive
the Jericho-style telegram
that tells them,
" you got 24 hours to do your damnedest,
and then you! are! out!!"
Meanwhile, the drugs are apparently
just sitting there
in my bloodstream and in my body
waiting for the walls to fall.
And
I feel better
right on schedule...
Friday, March 15, 2019
Compartmentalize
striving to be an integrated person
with no secrets or unturned stones
moving away from furtive, parallel lives and
undercover relationships and dual identities
the fragmentation of personality
became unacceptable
not to mention burdensome to maintain
and to remember
all the selves, the lies, the whatever.
But now
some separation seems to be
appropriate and necessary
not everything that comes into the mind
needs to come out of the mouth
or even the pen
but where should it all go?
the filtered items need outlets
but not the destructive, covert types that
tear the self apart.
Visualizing a beautiful room
with decorative boxes, with loose fitting lids
carefully nestled on endless, sturdy, open shelving
no locks or nails or walling up
a breezy, airy, bright room, full of scents and sights
gauzy curtains, pastel colors, musical memories
storage for the random. the fanciful, the dreamy
and a few not-so-positive things that also still
need a place to hang out
the door is not barred to the owner
few others will know the room is there
let alone be invited in
yet it needs to exist, a newer sort of safe space
for the unrevealed, protected self
that will be intact, insulated, cherished
Wednesday, March 6, 2019
Wrapping
apply the mask
the layers, the protective coloring
more and more and more
stop the wanting, the wishing, the dreaming
oh, stop the wanting
it can never be
cover it up
shut it down
shut the mouth
shutter the brain
wall up the heart with plaster and bones
it is never different
except this time, silence will
be the response
no self talk to talk in or out
quiet
and why
to not be alone
can't have what is wanted
unless self is hidden
desire is damped
want and reality can't exist together
ever
nothingness is always safer
Thursday, February 28, 2019
The Greatest Thing
Wishing that
someone, someday
might think that I was
and am
the greatest thing
that ever happened
to him
what would it be like
to be that special
that cherished
that appreciated
...that loved...?
Friday, February 8, 2019
Soap box
I've always been in trouble
for speaking my truth, my perceptions, my experience
especially when others are uncomfortable or outraged
that I am NOT promulgating the party line, the family lie,
the 'nice' tidy agreed-upon version of events that
so many tend to blindly blanket, blinker, and comfort themselves with.
When younger, I tended toward emotionalism and drama
in struggling to make my point to a reluctant listener but
more often to a fellow traveler of similar bent
but now
I just say it
I just blurt it out
because truth IS truth
and injustice IS injustice
and I can't stand by and watch any of it happen
any longer
to anyone
whether it is bullying, rape, child abuse, incest,
theft, petty dishonesties, sneaky bullshit or overt harms
superficial inconsiderate lacerations of the soul or heart
assorted misconducts of professional, sexual, or personal natures
hostile workplace, narcissism, spiritual and physical infidelities
I can't shut up
I can't allow my silence to EVER imply consent or approval
I can't
I might apologize for making your eyes glaze over
as I rant and rationalize and research and reveal
but I will never be sorry for
saying what I feel and what I believe
I can't
I won't
Posted for Poet's United Midweek Motif 2/8/19
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
"Thou shalt not get away with it"
Stumbling mentally for a few moments
Ok, more like a few hours
the old 'me' kicked in, but thankfully, briefly
and then
I raised my head from the nearly drained swamp of
old behaviors
began to pray and
to plan
I know what I will do now
no matter what the outcome
all possibilities are acceptable and desirable
in my God's world
surrender, stop fighting everyone and everything
I can do this
and as always
fortune favors the prepared
don't forget
Friday, January 18, 2019
Houses in dreams, again
hoarding, memories, other's abandoned possessions
everything, everything freighted with past experiences
mostly negative
grease, dust, depressing film on all I see
the yard and porch and property are even worse
suicidally awful, cluttered and neglected
he strives to convince me to stay, to commit
I turn in a slow circle
looking at the heaps of clothing of all genders
the moldy food overflowing the fridge and freezers
not a book to be seen about anything that requires thinking
the curious blend of heels, jewelry, wigs, suspenders, floral leggings
proudly displayed on his body, cognitive dissonance of gender dysphoria
then he is desperately begging
I am dispassionate, judgmental, uninterested
as I study in the chaos I left so long ago
that has only increased since my departure
why would I?
why?
he is the biggest mess of all, HE is
I'm not willing to straighten that out
let alone clean up the mess of his home and his life
I woke, relieved it was NOT real and
that I am still living in the magic of
me
only
"Look what you made me do" by Taylor Swift
Thursday, January 17, 2019
The Magic
fairy lights glow under
the patio eves, surrounded by music
plants pomeranians poems
savory and sweet scents
dinner and dessert
filling my home to bursting
with joy and peace
like I have never experienced
in my entire life, I realize
that the magic did not
ever come from any of them
it was always within me
it was always mine
I just shared it with others
occasionally, but it never left me
when they did
it glowed on
Posted for Poets United Midweek Motif ~ Life: Paradox And / Or Balance 1/17/19
Saturday, January 12, 2019
Renewal/Re-
the energy of the house continues to brighten,
though
despite throwing out or giving away so much,
still so much more to do.
Rebuilding life and home after the
devastation of various relationships and persons
now revitalizing, especially after over a year
of enervation of pain and doubt.
He is there
He is here
(God being "He")
willing, talkative, compromise, intelligent
refreshingly and freely attentive
after the the devitalization, destruction, demoralization
of recent years from others.
Loved and loving.
I rise, my hopes confirmed and renewed
Joy.
Hope always.
Hope is always rewarded
if patient.
Posted for Poets United Mid-Week Motif, 1/9/19
Monday, January 7, 2019
Shifting
up and down
in and out
the conversations meander
around various topics
decisions
perceptions
dreams
plans
ideas
thought experiments
pretty clear on where I am at, most days
but you are still traveling tasting exploring
but peaceful, faithful, communicative
contentment even in the uncertainty
enjoying the lack of confrontation and conflict
the smooth connection between us
though so different from the last twenty years of experiences
learning to like
calm tranquility equanimity accord
like I've never encountered in my life
not sure if I wasn't ready before or
unable to engage on this level
delighted to be as evolved as I am currently
and still evolving and
willing to do so
Posted for Poetry Pantry # 434, 1/6/19
"I ain't even done with the night" John Cougar Mellencamp