Monday, December 30, 2019

B.I.T.C.H.

Mostly I am mellow

but I do have days

when the rage rises.

The injustice of and harm from

childhood

jobs

relationships

friends

family

and I remember, once again,

that I, by playing outwardly nice

am only putting a prom dress on a pig.

Why do I keep trying to act like

everything is fine

when

IT IS FUCKING NOT?

Done again.

Done with the shit that

everyone tries to spoon feed

or dump on me by the truckload.

Fuck that shit.

Fuck you all.

Really.

No more nice girl.

Done playing.

Done being nice.

Done obeying the rules of everyone else's games.

And everyone will be so innocently like...

"What happened?"

when it is SO obvious that NONE of you having been

paying attention.


"I did something bad" by Taylor Swift

Thursday, December 26, 2019

wouldn't it be nice

somewhere

my forever man

just the way you are

all i want

a crazy little thing called love

some enchanted evening

then came you

you don't have to be a star

i will follow him

my guy

crazy for you

someone to watch over me

you're the one that I want

so happy together

reminiscing

at last

do you believe in magic?


The 100 greatest love songs

Monday, December 23, 2019

The Change

I am tired

of being sooooo accommodating

and calling it getting what I want.

I'm not

getting what I want,

that is.

Things are, as of now,

going to be drastically different.

I know what I want.

And you know what you want.

You are going to have to give me

what I want

before you get

what you want.

I have nothing to lose

by waiting.

Absolutely nothing.

Because I have been losing

all along

and I am done

with that shit.

If you don't like these terms, then

GO AWAY.

End of story.

/mic drop


Friday, December 13, 2019

why. bother.

All these years

been doing all the 'right' things

fidelity

honesty

'girl codes'

alleged (Christian) morality

ethics

behaving, or something like that

and just what

has that

has it gotten me?

many days, it feels like

the harder I try

or don't try

the more my ass

gets kicked.

Why bother?

Why not just be

out there

just for me

and fuck everyone else?

(literally)

Sunday, December 8, 2019

Shouldn't....

have to beg

do all the work

take all the blame, or any

be the thinker and the decider

wish for things to be different

live in a communication vacuum

wonder what is going on

stay, hoping

Thursday, December 5, 2019

Me. After you.

You forcefully made this

my fault

with your titanic silence and coldness.

And I had my part. True.

But your behavior the last few weeks

before my 'statement' of need

suggests you were done too and

that you chose, deliberately, to be an iceberg

knowing me

knowing that this conduct

would force me to

make a decision and possibly

issue some sort of ultimatum

and then you,

true to your passive aggressive self,

would not have to do so.

I finally, reluctantly, painfully

said what I wanted.

It was not a threat or an demand.

I know I shared this tactfully

though perhaps, more detail

might have helped

if this hadn't been the opening (closing?)

you were seeking.

You then slammed the door.

And callously shammed

that this was all my blunder

when what I had hoped for

was communication and solutions.

These circumstances were not my problem.

We both know it.

"And So It Goes" - Billy Joel


Tuesday, December 3, 2019

Every. fucking. year.















Seasonal tendencies

anniversary effect

a struggle not to feel crazy, lazy, stupid

it's no wonder the holiday season is so hated

it seems all designed to make one feel less than

inadequate, boring, old, dull, useless, unlovable

a big fat loser

even new clothing, paid bills, and a clean house

is not improving the mood

wishing for something

not sure what might relieve or release these feelings

addictive behavior sure won't and

just fatally exacerbates the trend.

Isolating, hiding, hibernating, healing

hopefully....

Monday, December 2, 2019

Daughter past

The face of an old lover

on a social media platform.

Thinking about what happened

but not remembering why we lost touch.

Puzzling, thinking, ruminating

and then

the cold, angry visage arose

indifferently demanding

an abortion.

Watching his back as he

walked away

shocked at the callousness

after infrequent periods of intimacy.

I accepted that abandonment but

did not abandon

her.

She knew it though

she was not wanted either

but only one of us

had to live with that knowledge when

she surprised me by spreading her wings

and leaving me

too.

Saturday, November 23, 2019

The silence

The words not spoken
speak so loudly,
it is absolutely deafening.
How does one survive and thrive
with absolutely no communication
of any kind with anyone?
Not even with the person that is
supposedly cared about?
Those three little words are barely audible
when the behavior shouts so loudly
that a crowd at a football game seems like 
a barely audible murmur
in contrast.
Those words, the only ones spoken,
are not enough.

Saturday, November 16, 2019

Fear

Fear has prevented me

from accomplishing many things

I have wanted to do.

Fear of failure

fear of abandonment

fear of consequences

   whether financial, personal, spiritual, professional, whatever

fear of hell

fear of criticism or judgment

fear of legal action

fear of addiction

fear of pain

fear of being out of pain.

That is now

done

finally.

I will do what I feel called to do.

And everyone else can be

damned.

Monday, October 14, 2019

The knowing

When the self-care is on point,

the portal opens

enlightenment flows through

like trickling water

like an avalanche

like a warm wind

sometimes, like all of those.

Understanding others' behaviors and changes

God's will and my willingness.

Many acting out of their own pain

trying to hurt me.

Others have served their purpose and have been removed

even family members

to my pain and sadness.

But all things and persons serve God's purpose

whether I like those purposes or not.


Saturday, September 7, 2019

Barren

It sounds like a cliche

but the howling emotional vacuum

of no contact with her

by her choice and silence

is more painful than could be possibly imagined.

Especially when

no reason for this is apparent.

Wishing, hoping, sad

but respectful.

After all, several generations previous

did the same thing, one for a decade

until death and regret opened that emotional door.

Imagination rushes in to fill this vacuum

but who really knows why?

Saturday, August 17, 2019

Man

It will take me a minute
to recognize him, this future partner -
after so many years of
whiners, users, narcissists, pussies, assholes, players,
trannies, cheaters, addicts, lazy/useless/selfish idiots
passive-aggressive man children,
- as a man.
A real man.
With that old-school ethic and morality
that I don't think I've ever seen in my adult life
besides the original man in my life
my daddy
who is always and forever
a centered, peaceful, mature, intelligent male
who does the 'right' thing and
doesn't complain or present himself as a victim.
The man who will be in front of me
will not
either.

Thursday, August 8, 2019

Musings on identity

As a young adult

I often wondered

to myself

why I was frustrated by people who

only related to me as a female

tailoring/limiting their responses and behavior

to my apparent gender, my birth gender, and

their understanding of cultural/traditional constructs

of what it was/is to be a woman.

It's not that I don't understand myself to be

a cis female.

It's that that accident of birth is not

in my perception and self-awareness

the sum of or even a significant part of

my identity.

I think of myself as a person, a human, first.

Being female is more of an afterthought

the physical, fleshly vehicle that transports my spirit

in this world.

I learned to tolerate and even 'cater to'

those whose world view and perceptions

were soooo narrow and un-informed

though I came to privately identify myself

to myself

as androgynous

and

dressed and acted accordingly

much of my adult life

(to an annoying chorus of 'lesbian' 'butch' 'bitch'. What???)

Sexually, I have always responded resoundingly

as a heterosexual female

and don't really have any interest or need

to be intimately involved with

any partners but

the occasional heterosexual male.

Though at times I have also contemplated

my sexual orientation,

recent events/person in the last decade

have clearly cleared up any tiny doubts

I might have had about being 'straight.'

Sometimes, I feel that I am monotonously so

but also feel no inclination to change that

or experiment.

Recently, I have come to understand

my orientation as more pansexual

than straight

because

I am attracted to and interested by

folks of all genders and orientations

but the mental, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual attraction

always arises when I have the privilege to be around

those who are

the open-minded, the intelligent, the compassionate, the universally spiritual.

But labels? are my self-determined ones really accurate?

My newest thought is about the idea of 'queer'.

I am not a traditional cis female, I don't feel that

my birth gender and orientation (should) define me,

but

heterosexual woman

doesn't feel accurate either.

More will be revealed.

Saturday, July 27, 2019

Dreams of my father

Watching him

once again

slow down

way, way down

he's so tired.

His eyes are fixed on

that far-off final destination

which seems suddenly nearer

to me

though it was always just

right there

to him.

Sad, I know the time is almost here.

I will miss him so

but glad for the last years of his care

and friendship and finally knowing him

a little more, seeing and loving and feeling

his very dad-ness

that I didn't get to experience

until after she was gone.

His True Self is fully emerged

and he is ready.

Friday, July 26, 2019

Truly happy

Still feeling those tugs

though fainter

from

the receding chaos and not-my problems

the shrieking, fading, manipulative craziness

and dishonesty of

those now in the rear-view mirror

that I am not even gazing in

because my vision is directed forward

to the unfolding of the rest of my life,

an amazing, beautiful life

that I have always wanted and dreamed of

so unlike what came before

It really is happening

with more to come.

So content grateful excited

joy

always joy

because

I chose joy

daily


Wednesday, July 3, 2019

Sweetness

Dating

always surprising, what happens.

Interesting, feeling like 16

but a stable, emotionally healthy secure sixteen.

It all seemed so new, bright, and un-freighted

with either person's emotional baggage or romantic history.

Striving to be calm, peaceful, romantic, sensual...

...and to not push ego or agenda on

the developing relationship.

Startling, to really be given honesty -

instead of being told that what is displayed is real and true,

showing, not telling.

Words matching actions.

Not trying to bullshit me or baffle me.

I see the difference now.

And...I feel it.

It feels innocent, sweet, refreshing, and

joyful.

Thursday, June 6, 2019

Love, Actually

I keep looking.

And I keep hoping.

And once again

against all odds

the possibility has temporarily emerged

that someone has found me

and is willing and able

to try

and not just to try

but to do

whatever it takes

to make it work

if this is a match.

Faithful hope

may be finally rewarded.


But...probably not.

Saturday, June 1, 2019

Garlic scapes

finally planting the bulbs

that should have been inhumed

last autumn

a perfectly perfect spring day

in Wyoming

moderate temps

no snow

faint breeze

listening to birds singing

kids screaming with the joy of being alive

watching a million fairies

piloting puffs of cotton

like a magic cloud of mystical beings

in my own backyard,

surrounded by the innocence

and delight

of being

alive

Sunday, May 19, 2019

The Look

Ruminating on

interactions with

the family of several

relationships past,

understanding, finally, that

what I thought were

looks of disdain or dislike

were really actually

pity

and

compassion.

They knew 

all too well

what my future would be -

the pain, the lies, the betrayals

the oft-witnessed chaos and endings.

They also knew that 

there was no point

in attempting to 

warn or enlighten me

about what was coming.

I wouldn't have listened anyway.

But now I see the reality:

they didn't dislike me

they wished they could save or protect me

from the one that they did dislike

but knowing that

they could do nothing about

either end of 

the equation.

Thursday, May 9, 2019

Evolving reality

I watch a cool movie or show

read a section of a book

peruse an internet article

overhear intense discussions.

I always learn something

from all of these sources/resources

but

I want to share all of them with someone,

cuss and discuss the topic

the theme

the action

the controversy

the politics

the beliefs

but

no one is there

and the truth is

there never really was, anyway

and

most of the time, they never got it.

At all.

Why did I keep trying to connect?

Anyone else in the world

would have eventually "plugged in"

when they actually paid attention

and saw how much

so many of these ideas and goals

meant to me.


Monday, May 6, 2019

Still

Still lightly mourning

but mostly excited about the very positive changes

unfolding in my life.

Still slightly wishing

that things might have been different

and that compromise had been really possible.

Still blissfully content

to be stress free again and

not have to take anyone else's shit into consideration.

Still having moments where

I miss...so badly that my stomach

doubles me over with sadness.

Still sure, though, that

this was not going to work

and no more time or feelings needed to be invested.

"Still" - Lionel Richie"

Sunday, May 5, 2019

Second job

Latest random thoughts:

so many guys

just want to get laid

when what I want is

a relationship.

I'm not getting that, evidently

despite my best efforts.

So, why not parlay what they want

into an income stream?

Dude, you want to get laid

ok

cough up the money

and you get an hour of my time

after you feed me dinner on your dime.

Don't know what the rate would be

but I think dinner and dollars

is a fair exchange

for them to get what they want:

NSA sex.

I get a good meal and more money to

pay my bills

without having to put up with

their socks, slobbiness, and

emotional unavailability.

Saturday, May 4, 2019

Surfing

at an age when

most people think that

you're failing already,

I feel that I'm still rising

with every wave that I catch.

I feel happy.

Get in the water

take a dip

be happy

the water is spiritual

harmony is healing.

This is the life that I choose.

Ride with me

but be

who you need

to be.

'Yeah yeah yeahs" - Maps

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Missing...

I can't help it.
Despite knowing that it would not work,
it will never work...
for all the reasons that 
were exhaustively discussed
...or willfully ignored.
I miss the little that was.
Many times
he was a friend
and quite often
we had fun together
and I miss that
all of that
and more, although
I can't unsee
the big holes
in the fabric of that relationship that
slowly weakened and pulled the good parts apart
and neither could pick up the needle
to repair the lack.

Monday, April 29, 2019

Rah!

Tiny hiccups

stumbling

being a 'big' girl

learning to crawl

in order to learn to walk

with

my head held high.

Thinking

plotting

changing

figuring it out,

whatever 'it' might be

and doing it so, so, so very well.

I can do this

I've done it before

and now

I'm doing it even better

than I ever have before and

I am so fucking proud of myself

for doing this, this, with more

dignity, gravitas, maturity, and acceptance

than I ever have before.

'They' think I can't.

Actually...

I can.

"Shake it off" - Taylor Swift

Sunday, April 28, 2019

The exam

We bought an 'old' camper

because we both had always wanted one and

thought that rehabbing/updating this

neglected little old lady

would be fun

and

we hoped to do a lot of camping.

But, it was also as

a relationship test,

(his idea, both the test and the type of 'test')

you know

to see how we worked as a couple

on a project, how our minds and

goals meshed while pursuing

a mutual objective.

It was a test all right.

Despite striving to come up with

plans and a timeline and funds

(I was doing all the striving, mostly)

nothing ever happened with that

sad little hopeful camper.

I wished and dreamed and planned.

He did nothing

except

make excuses and rationalizations and

remained mired/paralyzed in his own

attitude and unwillingness and laziness

and

addiction.

That was the test all right.

He couldn't

(or willfully wouldn't?)

commit.

He c/wouldn't follow through.

He c/wouldn't launch.

He c/wouldn't act.

He c/wouldn't be or behave like

the man he said he was.

That was the test.

Why would he come up with

a test of himself

that he failed??

After of year of testing,

he got an "F".

I got an "A" for actually seeing

what was happening

and moving on,

more educated, much wiser, much sadder

but still hopeful, ever hopeful.

"Me" - Taylor Swift

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Blissful

Nothing like

a fresh new hair cut

a few old and new friends to

flirt, talk, or hang out with

a bunch of recovery meetings

a clean and re-organized house

to improve the mood

and the outlook.

You don't know how negative or gloomy

things might be or are

until that cloud is blown away

and you are bathed in

the sunlight of the Spirit

once again.

That darkness was more or less

self-generated, or at least,

its presence accepted,

but so was its removal and

the resultant, brilliant sunshine.

I'll keep trudging

the road of happy destiny,

happy.

"Roar" - Katy Perry

Saturday, April 20, 2019

Dread, eagerness

the last of the last things

the last contact

the final ending

the inner kids were alternately

shrieking

or

silent

in fear and apprehension.

it was a peaceful interaction

as the last threads were snipped

but their anxiety infected and weakened

our serenity.

parenting, gently, lovingly

steady

waiting

for the last

dissolution of

the final bonds.

my wings are fully spread

ready

wonder and joy and freedom

buoying me

and the kids

unfailing, always

"I am here" - Pink

Friday, April 19, 2019

Now's your moment

a kiss

that surprisingly became passionate

deep

affectionate

intimate

sexy

loving.

Surprised but delighted...

...then woke

to realize it was just a dream

a wishing

an impossibility

it never happened

on this side of the veil

"Kiss the girl" - The Little Mermaid

Thursday, April 18, 2019

Just the Way You Are

Staring at my screen
Remembering all the nights of the last year
Wishing it was different
But knowing it won't be.
Sad but pragmatic.
Someday, I'll meet the one
Who is as willing as I am

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

Better

I don't really miss him

really

him

I don't

miss

him.

But I do yearn for

the idea

the possibility

that he represented.

I know

really know now

that the better man

is out there

giving the search and

the relationship attempts

his very best too

and mourning

as do I

the disappointment

yet again.

I am ready.

I could not have appreciated and cherished

him

nearly as much as I will now.

After all, I gave them all my very best

and

not only did they not recognize

or

appreciate that,

none of them

could ever say that.

But he will.

That's how I will know it is

him.


"Better Man" by Little Big Town

Monday, April 15, 2019

I win

my mom once told me to be careful about

fighting and being the winner

vs. the loser

because one might have to live with

the loser afterwards...

so was it really worth winning?

I've let that idea guide me

but sometimes to my detriment.

I needed to win

on that day

and what I was winning was

me

my identity

my desires

my needs

my hopes

my dreams

my food abstinence.

No regrets.

did what I had to do

and, really, the other party won the same:

themselves, intact.

No one should have to cut off,

repress

discard

ignore

parts of themselves

to have a relationship/friendship

with someone else.

That's not healthy

or desirable.

Be yourself.

I will and am.

"Sober" by Pink

Sunday, April 14, 2019

Volume

Heard a thought-provoking quote:

"finding the right one is all about volume."

That is an interesting way to study, understand,

and accept

(or just, rationalize. LOL.)

my dating life

the varied and chaotic relationship history

the various successes and failures.

(My perception of those qualifiers is, quite obviously, subjective.)

But...I like the quote, so...

bring on the crowd

the mixer

the dating profile

the socializing.

It's all part of the plan.

"I am here" by Pink

Saturday, April 13, 2019

The mind, the body

my sense of self

my goals and hopes

my dreams and loves

became skewed and perverted

once again by the influence of another

forcing myself to repress, to ignore, to tolerate.

And this...dug down deep into the tissues of my body

not to mention the recesses of my mind

slowly, insidiously, destroying.

Flight and fight, all resources going to

endure the unendurable. Then

a catastrophic health event

brought me up short

to consider, carefully, that the choices I make

the thoughts I think

the feelings I feel, or don't feel,

are always encoded into my flesh

as well as my core being

and the negative ones have achieved

a level of corrosiveness and toxicity

never before experienced

despite my efforts to move away,

to go higher and better

to improve and take care of self.

I have the ability to heal myself

I am willing, mind, body, soul, heart

and I will.

This connection, so basic, so fundamental

so deliberately ignored by me at times

can no longer be disregarded.

It must be celebrated and protected.

Daily.

And anything that is not...is not.

"The Climb" by Miley Cyrus

Friday, April 12, 2019

This war stays cold...

Done rehashing and reliving

the same old bullshit

really, REALLY, all y'all, men?

is there a factory somewhere

churning out asshole clones?

Unbelievable.

I know, I KNOW, I am positive that

I am doing all

the right things, especially the

self-care part.

Meanwhile, the clones are busy

being selfish, self-centered, narcissistic fuckers.

Get over yourself, your ex, your mommy,

your trauma, your own stupid or foolish choices,

your addictions, your rationalizations and

all the tired old lies you keep telling yourself

and me

and any other woman

unlucky enough to stray into your path.

I'm working on my stuff

why aren't you??

"We are never ever getting back together", Taylor Swift

Thursday, April 11, 2019

Persist

We got to hug again

to laugh again

to cuddle in stray corners

and talk and talk and talk...

while friends and family ghosted around us

you know, mostly the ones who are gone too.

Thank you for visiting me in my dreams.

Time runs faster every day as the

friends of my childhood pass along.

I'm still here

standing

wondering why I am

when my life looks like the aftermath

of a nuclear war

yet the crocuses of spring poke up

through the ashes and rubble and the disappointment and grief

yet

so

I trudge on.

"I'm not going to miss you" - Glenn Campbell (oh, but I will)

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Right on schedule

















So

attention

this is a message

for the newly engaged:

I am totally amused

like, hilariously

belly-holding

laugh-out-loud

entertained

that things are moving along

right on schedule

as I predicted

based on historical FACTS.

Outstanding!!!

thanks for the verification

and validation

of my feelings and decisions

AGAIN.

To her: let me know if you want to talk

AFTER it is all over...

...again....

(Sorry...but this is DEFINITELY going to hurt you. LOL.)


"Are you ready for it?" Taylor Swift

Sunday, April 7, 2019

Always

Despite not finding even a facsimile of

the partner of my dreams

(once, one of my fondest hopes)

my life is amazing

more than I could have dared hope for

stuffed to the brim with

friends, virtual and local

recovery, the twelve step kind

health

retirement options

good medical care

insurance

books

a lovely home

good food

dogs

sisters (got 5)

remaining willing and teachable

and

last but definitely not least

the God of my understanding

my best friend and love ever

holding my hand and my soul

so gently and carefully and steadily

always

"Meant to be" - Bebe Rexha

Prompted by and posted for NaPoWriMo Day 7, 2019: "write a poem of gifts and joy"

Saturday, April 6, 2019

Could

You could have been my lover
instead of just my fucker

You could have courted me
instead of doing the minimum, less than you would for a friend or employer

You could have said the words, the necessary words
instead of saying nothing

You could have been my best friend
instead of insisting on being in control, of everything

You could have listened to me
instead of framing excuses and rationalizations

You could have take meaningful, reassuring action
instead insisting that 'this' was who you are

You could have wanted to evolve, to meld, to grow
instead of being stuck in the past and the now

You could have striven to be trustworthy and respectful
instead of avoiding and sidestepping and demanding the unearned

You could have.

Prompted by and posted for NaPoWrimo, Day 6, 2019: "write a poem about the possible"

"Someone that I used to know" - Gotye

Friday, April 5, 2019

Deaf

The words, while very logical
and well thought out, are like broken glass
still not listening

Bleeding emotionally from a thousand million tiny places,
who is fostering this communication disconnect
still not hearing

The surety that one person's experience trumps the other
resulting in blunted response and hopes,
still not hearing

Frustrated by elusive sleep and willful misunderstanding
dreams plagued by daughters and dopes
still not listening

Why care. Why try. It's still always the same old shit
disappointed by the descent into pontification and pomposity
still not hearing

Stop talking, both
no one has ears
still not listening

Resigned to (and, eventually, peacefully accepting) the silence of self
the only meaningful dialogue internal
still not hearing

"Middle Fingers" - MISSIO

Prompted by and posted for NaPoWriMo Day 5, 2019

Thursday, April 4, 2019

It

Circling the drain

wearing a path in the carpet or dirt

traversing the same old emotional territory

with the same old companions

one despairs of it ever being different.

Despite climbing out of the rut, moving the furniture around,

re-carpeting, re-landscaping, re-vising, re-viewing

changing the scenery, the mind, the men

it is never the thing of hope fulfilled

why not?

despite so much effort, why not?

They duck and dodge and prevaricate and pontificate

when the truth, however bumpy and old,

would definitely serve them better

and achieve the goals of both parties.

Trudging the latest unexplored hunk of prairie, 

avoiding the holes of critters

breaking trail to avoid old treks,

eyes on the horizon, ears tuned to the whisper of it,

yet falling down yet another emotional unseen ravine

while it is ever just out of sight, though deeply felt,

never to be seen.

"All of me" - John Legend

Written and posted for NaPoWriMo 2019, Day Four prompt: "write your own sad poem, but one that...achieves sadness through simplicity"

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Nothing changes when nothing changes

Sprawling on the couch

writhing with need

studied like a clinical subject

declining to participate.

Invited to 'nap'

surprisingly, quickly close

the line is crossed.

The highways hum with hope

where, for one, there was none to be had.

Mechanized friction quickly bores

creativity rebuffed

eyes wander to others

only for the subject to suddenly

snap to, begging for monogamous attention,

then lapsing, gradually, again, into confident apathy.

Many moons of discussion

nothing is really different

laziness/indifference butted up against

hope and devotion.

Taking for granted is always fatal.

The moon is more faithful and reliable

not full of excuses and rationalizations.



Written and posted for NaPoWriMo 2019, Day Three prompt: "write something that involves a story or action that unfolds over an appreciable length of time."

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

The Big Question

I sent a missive to you then

packed with carefully thought out wording

concerns, ideas, solutions

You slammed the door, hard,

virtually and in real life.

Then

after two days of total silence

you contact me

to tell me you don't feel safe

or sure if we are together

or desirous of going forward.

So I less gently rehash many of the original points

only to be met with resistance and rationalizations.

It's all my fault.

You have been pretty perfect, by your lights

and I must be misunderstanding, according to you.

I don't think I misunderstand. At all.

Still willing to move on and not look back

yet this latest set of protestations seems designed

to make me pause and doubt.

I don't feel like pausing or doubting.

And once again, I don't think the truth is being told.

I am listening. I am waiting. I am wondering.

Which you, which story, which future, should I follow?

Or should I?

Written and posted for NaPoWriMo 2019, Day Two prompt, "write a poem that similarly resists closure by ending on a question"

Monday, April 1, 2019

The dreaded 'how to'

I am proudly a product of our times

culturally influenced to need and want certain things and behaviors

but also physically and mentally hard-wired with

   (however that came to be)

to desire to be cherished, loved, committed to

honestly, fearlessly, without violence/abuse/neglect.

Not all of that seemingly innate and cultural influence is bad

or undesirable or wrong or preposterous.

Romance, for example.

Popular culture also gives (inflicts) many ideas

upon a person on how to conduct a relationship

to make the potential or actual partner feel valued and wanted.

Here's how NOT to do it:

Don't talk endlessly about how much the dead/divorced partner is missed

Don't remind the new person how long it has been since that person passed/left, to the day and hour

Don't force the other person to repress their desire to celebrate holidays, birthdays, anniversaries

Don't minimize expressing emotions or commitment, yours or theirs

Don't get lost in grief, regrets, pain, anger, bitterness...and lose what is right in front of you

Don't act like the other's needs and wants are unreasonable, immature, stupid, weird, kinky

Don't hold back or measure out emotions, affection, commitment, yours or theirs

Don't be oblivious (deliberately or inadvertently) to another's dreams and hopes

Don't treat them like (or tell them that they are) a piece of ass

If you want it and you want to keep it...act like it.

Every day.

Not just when you want to get laid or are under threat of becoming single.

Pretty simple, right? Even when one is being gently prodded, nay, warned?

Not for some.

And if you don't want it...really don't want them on the level they want you...then let them go.

Any questions?




Day 1,  NaPoWriMo 2019. Prompt: "write poems that provide the reader with instructions on how to do something"

Bryan Adams "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman"

Sunday, March 31, 2019

Rationalizations

It's just you, you say

It's just your personality

You're giving it all you got

It's important, you've been thinking about it all day

Let's celebrate when you get back

. . .

Why bother, I say

If it was that important to you,

you would have

acknowledged it sooner

or made those plans before you left.

Or maybe not, my favorite, hooking our anniversary

to the anniversary of her death.

And then, in our conversation, telling me

about all the nice things you did for those

people, just showing me once again

who and what are really important

in your life

And it's not me or mine.

Self portrait as Ameratsu

Oh man

life happens

pissed or hurt

the response is the same:

I exile the assholes and then

I hide in my cave

determined never to show my brilliant face again.

But...the other gods always come along

carefully mounting that mirror outside

to reflect me back to me

and draw me out

to share my light again.

Burning brightly.

That's me.

Always.

No matter how dark it gets

how painful and deep and tender the betrayal

eventually

I shine.


Posted for Pre-NaPo Prompt: write a poetic self-portrait of a mythical/historical figure

Ameratsu - Japanese Sun Goddess

Thursday, March 28, 2019

24 hours

Did you ever wonder

while taking antibiotics

why the doctor always tells you,

" You WILL feel better in about a day or so!"

WHY is that?

Do the bugs causing my illness

suddenly receive

the Jericho-style telegram

that tells them,

" you got 24 hours to do your damnedest,

and then you! are! out!!"

Meanwhile, the drugs are apparently

just sitting there

in my bloodstream and in my body

waiting for the walls to fall.

And

I feel better

right on schedule...

Friday, March 15, 2019

Compartmentalize

For so long

striving to be an integrated person

with no secrets or unturned stones

moving away from furtive, parallel lives and

undercover relationships and dual identities

the fragmentation of personality

became unacceptable

not to mention burdensome to maintain

and to remember

all the selves, the lies, the whatever.

But now

some separation seems to be

appropriate and necessary

not everything that comes into the mind

needs to come out of the mouth

or even the pen

but where should it all go?

the filtered items need outlets

but not the destructive, covert types that

tear the self apart.

Visualizing a beautiful room

with decorative boxes, with loose fitting lids

carefully nestled on endless, sturdy, open shelving

no locks or nails or walling up

a breezy, airy, bright room, full of scents and sights

gauzy curtains, pastel colors, musical memories

storage for the random. the fanciful, the dreamy

and a few not-so-positive things that also still

need a place to hang out

the door is not barred to the owner

few others will know the room is there

let alone be invited in

yet it needs to exist, a newer sort of safe space

for the unrevealed, protected self

that will be intact, insulated, cherished


Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Wrapping

slowly disappearing

apply the mask

the layers, the protective coloring

more and more and more

stop the wanting, the wishing, the dreaming

oh, stop the wanting

it can never be

cover it up

shut it down

shut the mouth

shutter the brain

wall up the heart with plaster and bones

it is never different

except this time, silence will

be the response

no self talk to talk in or out

quiet

and why

to not be alone

can't have what is wanted

unless self is hidden

desire is damped

want and reality can't exist together

ever

nothingness is always safer


Thursday, February 28, 2019

The Greatest Thing

Wishing that

someone,  someday

might think that I was

and am

the greatest thing

that ever happened

to him

what would it be like

to be that special

that cherished

that appreciated

...that loved...?

Friday, February 8, 2019

Soap box


I've always been in trouble

for speaking my truth, my perceptions, my experience

especially when others are uncomfortable or outraged

that I am NOT promulgating the party line, the family lie,

the 'nice' tidy agreed-upon version of events that

so many tend to blindly blanket, blinker, and comfort themselves with.

When younger, I tended toward emotionalism and drama

in struggling to make my point to a reluctant listener but

more often to a fellow traveler of similar bent

but now

I just say it

I just blurt it out

because truth IS truth

and injustice IS injustice

and I can't stand by and watch any of it happen

any longer

to anyone

whether it is bullying, rape, child abuse, incest,

theft, petty dishonesties, sneaky bullshit or overt harms

superficial inconsiderate lacerations of the soul or heart

assorted misconducts of professional, sexual, or personal natures

hostile workplace, narcissism, spiritual and physical infidelities

I can't shut up

I can't allow my silence to EVER imply consent or approval

I can't

I might apologize for making your eyes glaze over

as I rant and rationalize and research and reveal

but I will never be sorry for

saying what I feel and what I believe

I can't

I won't


Posted for Poet's United Midweek Motif 2/8/19

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

"Thou shalt not get away with it"





















Stumbling mentally for a few moments

Ok, more like a few hours

the old 'me' kicked in, but thankfully, briefly

and then

I raised my head from the nearly drained swamp of

old behaviors

began to pray and

to plan

I know what I will do now

no matter what the outcome

all possibilities are acceptable and desirable

in my God's world

surrender, stop fighting everyone and everything

I can do this

and as always

fortune favors the prepared

don't forget

Friday, January 18, 2019

Houses in dreams, again

His domicile is still a shit hole of
hoarding, memories, other's abandoned possessions
everything, everything freighted with past experiences
mostly negative
grease, dust, depressing film on all I see
the yard and porch and property are even worse
suicidally awful, cluttered and neglected
he strives to convince me to stay, to commit
I turn in a slow circle
looking at the heaps of clothing of all genders
the moldy food overflowing the fridge and freezers
not a book to be seen about anything that requires thinking
the curious blend of heels, jewelry, wigs, suspenders, floral leggings
proudly displayed on his body, cognitive dissonance of gender dysphoria
then he is desperately begging
I am dispassionate, judgmental, uninterested
as I study in the chaos I left so long ago
that has only increased since my departure
why would I?
why?
he is the biggest mess of all, HE is
I'm not willing to straighten that out
let alone clean up the mess of his home and his life
I woke, relieved it was NOT real and
that I am still living in the magic of
me
only

"Look what you made me do" by Taylor Swift

Thursday, January 17, 2019

The Magic

As I light the candles
fairy lights glow under
the patio eves, surrounded by music
plants pomeranians poems
savory and sweet scents
dinner and dessert
filling my home to bursting
with joy and peace
like I have never experienced
in my entire life, I realize
that the magic did not
ever come from any of them
it was always within me
it was always mine
I just shared it with others
occasionally, but it never left me
when they did
it glowed on


Posted for Poets United Midweek Motif ~ Life: Paradox And / Or Balance 1/17/19

Saturday, January 12, 2019

Renewal/Re-

Removing, reducing, repurposing

the energy of the house continues to brighten,

though

despite throwing out or giving away so much,

still so much more to do.

Rebuilding life and home after the

devastation of various relationships and persons

now revitalizing, especially after over a year

of enervation of pain and doubt.

He is there

He is here

(God being "He")

willing, talkative, compromise, intelligent

refreshingly and freely attentive

after the the devitalization, destruction, demoralization

of recent years from others.

Loved and loving.

I rise, my hopes confirmed and renewed

Joy.

Hope always.

Hope is always rewarded

if patient.

Posted for Poets United Mid-Week Motif, 1/9/19

Monday, January 7, 2019

Shifting

Back and forth

up and down

in and out

the conversations meander

around various topics

decisions

perceptions

dreams

plans

ideas

thought experiments

pretty clear on where I am at, most days

but you are still traveling tasting exploring

but peaceful, faithful, communicative

contentment even in the uncertainty

enjoying the lack of confrontation and conflict

the smooth connection between us

though so different from the last twenty years of experiences

learning to like

calm tranquility equanimity accord

like I've never encountered in my life

not sure if I wasn't ready before or

unable to engage on this level

delighted to be as evolved as I am currently

and still evolving and

willing to do so

Posted for Poetry Pantry # 434, 1/6/19

"I ain't even done with the night" John Cougar Mellencamp