Monday, October 29, 2018

INFJ

Lonely

like no one understands me

mostly, I don't care

but when I meet new people

romantic or friends

there's a part of me that longs

to connect, to be known, to be celebrated

for who I am

I tend to be loyal to a point of pain

that is rarely reciprocated

though 'they' are always shocked

that I won't stay around and accept

the unacceptable, for very long

and i guess I am too much for most

because they all seem to wander

away eventually, not willing or able

to put in the effort and time to

know the real me

cherish my uniqueness

ready to stay the course

though at times, things are turbulent

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Taxing...not

"nice" email from 

(pick one, any one) 

a dumbass buckaroo fucktard

usual threats, pity party, tears

chest beating braggadocio

obviously thinking

I actually give a shit or am even concerned

about the veiled and overt threats

no response necessary except to

get more crappy stuff out of MY home and my head

my healing is more complete every time others don't

get what they want from me and I don't

respond directly to any man child's bullshit

go peddle it somewhere else to someone else, anyone else

no one here cares

I am quite entertained

by the use of the same stupid words, excuses, and rationalizations

(I shared that idiotic missive with EVERYONE)

apocryphal stories that have been overused, over and over and over

by each blustering bozo, everywhere, in every corner of the world

and the internet

and some (becoming many, many more) of us

laugh in bored exasperation

that the teeming herds of narcissists don't have any new lines

god forbid any of them actually told the truth about anything

but that's good

because more and more sane people

can track the same old crazy being broadcast

for what it is

another placeholder writing regarding all of the idiots

to remind me of what's what at some future date

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Balance

the challenge to be simultaneously autonomous and  involved

to make plans together without being clingy or insecure

and to be okay with those plans being shit-canned by one

with no real consultation or input from the other

what is normal vs. what is dysfunctional

lonely in a relationship is NOT normal, though

what's wrong with wanting to spend more time with someone?

except when they don't

and have a million reasons, all very logical and well-explained,

for why not, why they can't, why they aren't available

a day a week isn't really enough

despite evening phone calls that are rushed and stilted

full of tired, overwhelmed, duty, keeping it going

with bare minimum minimalist effort

but I am supposed to remain available, uncritical

unneeding, undemanding, unhopeful, no plans

can't have a pot to piss in or a dream to look forward to

why

why

why




Monday, October 8, 2018

Pointlessness

some days, it's like

why bother

to improve the health

the life

the flagging friendships

doesn't seem to make any difference

anyway

everyone is lazy

doing the minimum they can get away with

don't care if anything is cared for cherished

adored

it's just all dust

perception

foolish ego

random hopes

nothing

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Leaves, leaving

A song on the radio

evokes the mid 70s

and a fall day walking to school

middle school hell

away from my home which wasn't

too great of a place to be either

when you are just 13 and your

dad quit smoking and became a temporarily

temperamental monster of withdrawal.

Then, sneaking up the sidewalk in

the middle of the block

that I am not supposed to be walking through

skirting the fenced edge

of an elementary school playground

only to reach the park and gleefully

kick joyfully through gigantic leaf piles

inhaling the dry and decaying scents

leaves of all colors

grass slowly fading to yellow

overcast skies periodically part to

let the autumn sun bathe

my temporarily free face with

peace

trudging the last few blocks

gray, cracked, heaving sidewalks

only a few skittering tree droppings under my toes

I reach the door and reach for the door

dread, painfully knowing the inferno of

my peers waiting on the other side

ready to dispel and trample the bubble of calm

collected in my head in the park.

Now, I study the leaves, the air, the sun, and

just the seasonal 'air' as I carefully

pilot my craft towards work

wishing I was walking and kicking

but five miles is a long way to walk

twice a day, no matter how nostalgic

my memories are

thankful that no hell awaits me at

my destination

Monday, October 1, 2018

Again

again

starting again

every day, starting over

with the knowledge and experiences

of previous days

as a road map to

what I want

who I am

where I am going

and...

...who is going with me

which currently is

NO ONE