Lonely
like no one understands me
mostly, I don't care
but when I meet new people
romantic or friends
there's a part of me that longs
to connect, to be known, to be celebrated
for who I am
I tend to be loyal to a point of pain
that is rarely reciprocated
though 'they' are always shocked
that I won't stay around and accept
the unacceptable, for very long
and i guess I am too much for most
because they all seem to wander
away eventually, not willing or able
to put in the effort and time to
know the real me
cherish my uniqueness
ready to stay the course
though at times, things are turbulent
NaPoWriMo...and beyond... Prosey poetry and free verse. Unapologetically real recovery. My words, my life, my experience.
Monday, October 29, 2018
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
Taxing...not
"nice" email from
(pick one, any one)
(pick one, any one)
a dumbass buckaroo fucktard
usual threats, pity party, tears
chest beating braggadocio
obviously thinking
I actually give a shit or am even concerned
about the veiled and overt threats
no response necessary except to
get more crappy stuff out of MY home and my head
my healing is more complete every time others don't
get what they want from me and I don't
respond directly to any man child's bullshit
go peddle it somewhere else to someone else, anyone else
no one here cares
I am quite entertained
by the use of the same stupid words, excuses, and rationalizations
(I shared that idiotic missive with EVERYONE)
apocryphal stories that have been overused, over and over and over
by each blustering bozo, everywhere, in every corner of the world
and the internet
and some (becoming many, many more) of us
laugh in bored exasperation
that the teeming herds of narcissists don't have any new lines
god forbid any of them actually told the truth about anything
but that's good
because more and more sane people
can track the same old crazy being broadcast
for what it is
another placeholder writing regarding all of the idiots
to remind me of what's what at some future date
usual threats, pity party, tears
chest beating braggadocio
obviously thinking
I actually give a shit or am even concerned
about the veiled and overt threats
no response necessary except to
get more crappy stuff out of MY home and my head
my healing is more complete every time others don't
get what they want from me and I don't
respond directly to any man child's bullshit
go peddle it somewhere else to someone else, anyone else
no one here cares
I am quite entertained
by the use of the same stupid words, excuses, and rationalizations
(I shared that idiotic missive with EVERYONE)
apocryphal stories that have been overused, over and over and over
by each blustering bozo, everywhere, in every corner of the world
and the internet
and some (becoming many, many more) of us
laugh in bored exasperation
that the teeming herds of narcissists don't have any new lines
god forbid any of them actually told the truth about anything
but that's good
because more and more sane people
can track the same old crazy being broadcast
for what it is
another placeholder writing regarding all of the idiots
to remind me of what's what at some future date
Wednesday, October 17, 2018
Balance
the challenge to be simultaneously autonomous and involved
to make plans together without being clingy or insecure
and to be okay with those plans being shit-canned by one
with no real consultation or input from the other
what is normal vs. what is dysfunctional
lonely in a relationship is NOT normal, though
what's wrong with wanting to spend more time with someone?
except when they don't
and have a million reasons, all very logical and well-explained,
for why not, why they can't, why they aren't available
a day a week isn't really enough
despite evening phone calls that are rushed and stilted
full of tired, overwhelmed, duty, keeping it going
with bare minimum minimalist effort
but I am supposed to remain available, uncritical
unneeding, undemanding, unhopeful, no plans
can't have a pot to piss in or a dream to look forward to
why
why
why
to make plans together without being clingy or insecure
and to be okay with those plans being shit-canned by one
with no real consultation or input from the other
what is normal vs. what is dysfunctional
lonely in a relationship is NOT normal, though
what's wrong with wanting to spend more time with someone?
except when they don't
and have a million reasons, all very logical and well-explained,
for why not, why they can't, why they aren't available
a day a week isn't really enough
despite evening phone calls that are rushed and stilted
full of tired, overwhelmed, duty, keeping it going
with bare minimum minimalist effort
but I am supposed to remain available, uncritical
unneeding, undemanding, unhopeful, no plans
can't have a pot to piss in or a dream to look forward to
why
why
why
Monday, October 8, 2018
Pointlessness
some days, it's like
why bother
to improve the health
the life
the flagging friendships
doesn't seem to make any difference
anyway
everyone is lazy
doing the minimum they can get away with
don't care if anything is cared for cherished
adored
it's just all dust
perception
foolish ego
random hopes
nothing
why bother
to improve the health
the life
the flagging friendships
doesn't seem to make any difference
anyway
everyone is lazy
doing the minimum they can get away with
don't care if anything is cared for cherished
adored
it's just all dust
perception
foolish ego
random hopes
nothing
Wednesday, October 3, 2018
Leaves, leaving
A song on the radio
evokes the mid 70s
and a fall day walking to school
middle school hell
away from my home which wasn't
too great of a place to be either
when you are just 13 and your
dad quit smoking and became a temporarily
temperamental monster of withdrawal.
Then, sneaking up the sidewalk in
the middle of the block
that I am not supposed to be walking through
skirting the fenced edge
of an elementary school playground
only to reach the park and gleefully
kick joyfully through gigantic leaf piles
inhaling the dry and decaying scents
leaves of all colors
grass slowly fading to yellow
overcast skies periodically part to
let the autumn sun bathe
my temporarily free face with
peace
trudging the last few blocks
gray, cracked, heaving sidewalks
only a few skittering tree droppings under my toes
I reach the door and reach for the door
dread, painfully knowing the inferno of
my peers waiting on the other side
ready to dispel and trample the bubble of calm
collected in my head in the park.
Now, I study the leaves, the air, the sun, and
just the seasonal 'air' as I carefully
pilot my craft towards work
wishing I was walking and kicking
but five miles is a long way to walk
twice a day, no matter how nostalgic
my memories are
thankful that no hell awaits me at
my destination
evokes the mid 70s
and a fall day walking to school
middle school hell
away from my home which wasn't
too great of a place to be either
when you are just 13 and your
dad quit smoking and became a temporarily
temperamental monster of withdrawal.
Then, sneaking up the sidewalk in
the middle of the block
that I am not supposed to be walking through
skirting the fenced edge
of an elementary school playground
only to reach the park and gleefully
kick joyfully through gigantic leaf piles
inhaling the dry and decaying scents
leaves of all colors
grass slowly fading to yellow
overcast skies periodically part to
let the autumn sun bathe
my temporarily free face with
peace
trudging the last few blocks
gray, cracked, heaving sidewalks
only a few skittering tree droppings under my toes
I reach the door and reach for the door
dread, painfully knowing the inferno of
my peers waiting on the other side
ready to dispel and trample the bubble of calm
collected in my head in the park.
Now, I study the leaves, the air, the sun, and
just the seasonal 'air' as I carefully
pilot my craft towards work
wishing I was walking and kicking
but five miles is a long way to walk
twice a day, no matter how nostalgic
my memories are
thankful that no hell awaits me at
my destination
Monday, October 1, 2018
Again
again
starting again
every day, starting over
with the knowledge and experiences
of previous days
as a road map to
what I want
who I am
where I am going
and...
...who is going with me
which currently is
NO ONE
starting again
every day, starting over
with the knowledge and experiences
of previous days
as a road map to
what I want
who I am
where I am going
and...
...who is going with me
which currently is
NO ONE
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