Leftovers

Things

given bought acquired

by others for self

often have the energy signatures

of the bestower and their motives

which were often not 'good'.

Casting those off

no matter what the cost/scarring

is cleansing

releasing one from the bonds of

those unspoken, irremovable dishonesties.

Passing them on

or even selling them to

the heirs apparent

is sort of amusing

not to mention freeing.

They think they got something

marvelous,

got over on

'won'

when

all they got

were

the leavings

the castoffs

the dregs

the crumbs

the revolting baggage

of ...

Wings...again

leaving that past behind

whoever pulled the trigger

is exhilarating

you don't know what is

pulling you down

how heavy IT all is

until it is fucking OFF of you

wow

the lightness of losing

about five hundred pounds

of witches and winged monkeys

(who knows which is bitch? LOL.)

mood and attitude soaring

riding the updrafts of

my new life

my life

mine

F*ck you

Crossing over to

blatant insubordination

the latest set of demands

and disrespect has gotten

my back up so high

it feels like the new Himalayas

back there

I will not quit

you will fire me

you think you know so much

you think you have control

you think you can hurt me

but

you don't know

what is coming

next

Education

I already know that

you will be directed

here to

examine the evidence of

the sort of person I am and

you will find that data

but not what they tell you

that you will find

but

you will also find

plenty of proof

regarding those who sent you here and of

who they are and not

the confirmation of my alleged crazy but

the validation of yours.

You've been wondering already,

haven't you?

take notes

please learn

your test is coming

believe me

it is coming

if you learn the lesson now

you won't fail

I had to take it more than once

but I got that PhD

pretty quickly

INFJ

Lonely

like no one understands me

mostly, I don't care

but when I meet new people

romantic or friends

there's a part of me that longs

to connect, to be known, to be celebrated

for who I am

I tend to be loyal to a point of pain

that is rarely reciprocated

though 'they' are always shocked

that I won't stay around and accept

the unacceptable, for very long

and i guess I am too much for most

because they all seem to wander

away eventually, not willing or able

to put in the effort and time to

know the real me

cherish my uniqueness

ready to stay the course

though at times, things are turbulent

Taxing...not

"nice" email from 

(pick one, any one) 

a dumbass buckaroo fucktard

usual threats, pity party, tears

chest beating braggadocio

obviously thinking

I actually give a shit or am even concerned

about the veiled and overt threats

no response necessary except to

get more crappy stuff out of MY home and my head

my healing is more complete every time others don't

get what they want from me and I don't

respond directly to any man child's bullshit

go peddle it somewhere else to someone else, anyone else

no one here cares

I am quite entertained

by the use of the same stupid words, excuses, and rationalizations

(I shared that idiotic missive with EVERYONE)

apocryphal stories that have been overused, over and over and over

by each blustering bozo, everywhere, in every corner of the world

and the internet

and some (becoming many, many more) of us

laugh in bored exasperation

that the teeming herds of narcissists don't have any new lines

god forbid any of them actually told the truth about anything

but that's good

because more and more sane people

can track the same old crazy being broadcast

for what it is

another placeholder writing regarding all of the idiots

to remind me of what's what at some future date

Balance

the challenge to be simultaneously autonomous and  involved

to make plans together without being clingy or insecure

and to be okay with those plans being shit-canned by one

with no real consultation or input from the other

what is normal vs. what is dysfunctional

lonely in a relationship is NOT normal, though

what's wrong with wanting to spend more time with someone?

except when they don't

and have a million reasons, all very logical and well-explained,

for why not, why they can't, why they aren't available

a day a week isn't really enough

despite evening phone calls that are rushed and stilted

full of tired, overwhelmed, duty, keeping it going

with bare minimum minimalist effort

but I am supposed to remain available, uncritical

unneeding, undemanding, unhopeful, no plans

can't have a pot to piss in or a dream to look forward to

why

why

why

Pointlessness

some days, it's like

why bother

to improve the health

the life

the flagging friendships

doesn't seem to make any difference

anyway

everyone is lazy

doing the minimum they can get away with

don't care if anything is cared for cherished

adored

it's just all dust

perception

foolish ego

random hopes

nothing

Leaves, leaving

A song on the radio

evokes the mid 70s

and a fall day walking to school

middle school hell

away from my home which wasn't

too great of a place to be either

when you are just 13 and your

dad quit smoking and became a temporarily

temperamental monster of withdrawal.

Then, sneaking up the sidewalk in

the middle of the block

that I am not supposed to be walking through

skirting the fenced edge

of an elementary school playground

only to reach the park and gleefully

kick joyfully through gigantic leaf piles

inhaling the dry and decaying scents

leaves of all colors

grass slowly fading to yellow

overcast skies periodically part to

let the autumn sun bathe

my temporarily free face with

peace

trudging the last few blocks

gray, cracked, heaving sidewalks

only a few skittering tree droppings under my toes

I reach the door and reach for the door

dread, painfully knowing the inferno of

my peers waiting on the other side

ready to dispel and trample the bubble of calm

collected in my head in the park.

Now, I study the leaves, the air, the sun, and

just the seasonal 'air' as I carefully

pilot my craft towards work

wishing I was walking and kicking

but five miles is a long way to walk

twice a day, no matter how nostalgic

my memories are

thankful that no hell awaits me at

my destination

Again

again

starting again

every day, starting over

with the knowledge and experiences

of previous days

as a road map to

what I want

who I am

where I am going

and...

...who is going with me

which currently is

NO ONE

Present and presents

patience

dreams

empathy

vulnerability

touch

communication

intimacy

healing

peace

help

willingness

love

always love

Fall planting

The outside air cools, briskly pressing me

to bring in my indoor plants that

spent the summer being outdoor plants

sort of like a green snowbirding to

life in the backyard.

Every room in the house requires

rearrangement to re-accommodate

the thirty or so incoming residents

at last, they are all in, lounging

on every flat, wide surface

so much bigger, taller, wider, rowdier

always taking so much more space than

when they went outside in the spring

but now they are stressed and

I am stressed

at the sudden movement and relocation

and changes in temperature and light.

Gentle music purls through the rooms as

I sing and talk and murmur to each one

as I remove dead leaves and gently

touch the soil in each pot

checking for moisture and extra 'residents'.

I light candles and distribute

ember-tipped sandwood incense

sticks throughout the house into

selected pots

I make dinner as plants and pups alike

hold their breath, vigilant, hopeful, relaxing

next each friend is carefully watered and welcomed

and we all begin to relax and rebond

as we learn to live together again

in this precious, peaceful home

Autumn skies

The days shorter
the nights longer
the relief of
less outside tasks

more inside book reading baking dog petting blankets

summer forest fires
smokily coloring the horizon, divine orange palettes
tracing the colors and patterns and emotions
etched on clouds and retinas

the past day gradually fades

darkness and silence enfolds
recharging

golden tiara of moon
over a darkening landscape



Posted for Poets United Midweek Motif: "Sunset"
Image credit: DV

Why

I hear the words under the words

why am I not coming down today?

I don't know how you think it's going to be

I kept hoping for passion and romance
real connection

that's not what happens

I'm tired of being disappointed

while you sit there, emotionless, waiting for

the evening to be over

to go to work the next morning early

while my feelings and hope bleed out

and you don't see or pretend not to

and they don't even scab over the next day

when finally

you're now ready for me to be there

I'm already done

and gone

mentally

No, no, no

I don't think I can do this

trusting is so impossible

simply don't have that skill any longer

after the surgical precision of the

most recent relationships in removing

that part, the chemo/radiation of abuse

narcissism, repeated dishonesties

alone-ness beckons again

the peace, the nonaccountability to anyone

the lack of need

or demand

to please or care for or even take into account

others

except self

and even that is a challenge

living with someone, despite

recent tenuous assertion,

is vomitous-sounding

the long-term thoughts of

being questioned about why I did or didn't

do 'this' makes me physically sick and paralyzed

I don't want to be a housewife,

a roommate

a daughter

a sister

a mother

a full-time lover

or even, most days,

a friend

gotten a lot of bruised buttocks

in that department in the last six years

too

introvert batteries need charged

before any decisions are made

Dumb ass #1

You can't imagine what you have done to offend me

   why I stopped our contact abruptly

not even bothering to see that contacting me

   after being blocked on social media

   after I hung up on you when you called my work number

   might NOT be desired

yet, you persisted and managed, through subterfuge, to call me at work.

Though I hung up after listening to your rationalizations for a few moments,

you just showed me again that you have no respect for

   my boundaries

and

   that you never did and that is so very clear to me now

   after 37 years of acquaintance.

Why and what, you ask?

I'm tired of being treated I have no life apart from our very infrequent, superficial conversations

tired that you act like I am still a drunk 18 year old nymphomaniac

tired that you have made no attempt to get to know the 55 year old me

tired that you whine about your kids and your wife yet expect me

   to respond to the questionable privilege of communication with you

   under these ickiest of circumstances

Fuck off.

Okay?

Just fuck off.

I don't owe you any explanations. I don't owe you anything.

This writing piece is a placeholder in my life, to remind me that you are

still an asshole

just as much as you were in 1982, when my sister punched you out

and left you lying in the hallway outside our dorm room

because she was sick of you harassing and hurting me then.

Fuck off.

Living in my body

Regretting the past

Fearing the future

Rarely in the present

or in my body

my mind always off somewhere

disassociated

obsessively reliving trauma and crisis

role playing future drama and challenges

my poor body got left behind most of the time

becoming a dusty, broken down wreck

with poor care and minimal habitation

****

Amazed at each finger, how it curls and extends

the movement and sway of hips in snug-fitting jeans

aware of every inch of skin, every touch, every freckle

every change in temperature

sudden shocks of pain in long-abused feet

slow simmering arousal, lower abdomen pulsing with life

my life

the rotation of the wrist, a miracle of divine engineering

hair a super heroine cape around the head and shoulders

random bruising on arms and legs a study in memory and activity

***

The joy of being in the present moment actually

being present, mentally present and fully plugged in

inhabiting this incredibly tolerant machine of a body

it responds astonishingly well to good nourishment, exercise,

mental gymnastics, physical gymnastics (*wink*)

just plain every day use, being used, being inhabited

being loved

by me

and

with a higher power roommate in my head

these are some pretty cool digs to be living in

at long last

Time after time, part two

The vultures are circling again

the last few days

the exes, that is

what is it with these men from my distant past contacting me,

hoping for a reboot?

I STILL haven't forgotten what fucktards y'all are and were

Perhaps things are different with each of you now

But on the strength of a few messages exchanged

I can tell that you all think I am still that naive young woman

who put up with your collective dysfunctional bullshit

who had no boundaries

who chose to date you for the amount of booze you drank

     (usually, you were a choice because you drank more than me)

who thought that abuse and narcissistic personalities were 'normal'

     (thanks, parental and grandparental units, for this)

Guess what?

I ain't dead and I ain't dumb

I am sober and recovering

I am no longer that young woman

I will no longer put up with your shit

I am using the block button liberally

Fuck off. LOL.

"Roar" by Katy Perry

"Time after time, part one"

Effervescent

It's is happening
what is happening
the mixed messages
are getting clearer
though it could just be
that hearing has improved

this this
is the reason hope springs eternal
because barely contained impatience and
a shut mouth
allow developments
to see where things go naturally

hardly dared to dream

the deeply contented morning of
the day after
carbonates the brain and body
with life
joy

it's alright

Sanity

I've been called crazy

for not accepting the unacceptable

for being asked or forced to endure
   situations that are harmful to me

for stating and holding to my boundaries
   especially when those limits might have compelled
   someone else to treat me me with respect and care

but I'm not

not

not crazy

and

grateful to know that now

NOW

I'm NOT

crazy

Familiarity

you talk to me
really talk to me
late at night
rambling, intimate conversations
not about the weather or sex or ego
where I don't have to keep the ball rolling
you ask lots of questions
thoughtful, curious, peeling the layers
like you really want to know the answers
sharing your own story, laughing, sweet
answering my own inquiries
no matter how weird or nosy
you certainly don't just have designs on my panties
music is a bond I haven't experienced
in thirty or more years
previously unknown songs weaving
their way into my hormones and subconsious
you are hopeful, painfully transparent
letting and encouraging me to be the same

Thanks for making me a fighter

Image credit

air punch, one-two

double-fisted celebration

high as a kite for days afterward

emotional regulation

I did it, I did it

dignity and silence

are the best tools ever

against 'tools'

friends reaffirmed

delightfully 'owning'

whatever I am a part of

protected by true love

strut, strut, strut

glowing in the dark

younger, sexier, happier than ever

crowning white hair a beacon

pretenders and faithful alike

happy birthday, hot fierce lady ME!

and I ain't gonna stop

"Fighter" by Christina Aguilera

Upward spiral

Image credit

The ups and downs

...but always up...

grieving and healing

new boundaries coming in

old ones banished or rehabbed

shopping browsing walking

coffee books music

memories and dreams

reexamined and reaffirmed

a day with old friends

full of laughter talk plans

smiles hugs joy

grateful

"How do you like me now?" by Toby Keith

The difference

Her

Tension filled the car
like plastic-fire smoke
toxic, tough to breathe
instructions barked
her eyes narrowed
mouth dangerously tight
her focus inward
as I fearfully struggled to
manipulate the gas and clutch
in the right-magic combination
to not slam her head
through the windshield
failing, to the accompaniment
of more criticism, denigrating
demoralizing soundtrack of
my childhood

Him

Quiet, listening, thinking
watching me
me
carefully as I listened, equally attentive,
relaxed, quiet
to his gentle suggestions to attend
to the sound of the engine
my foot and hand, clunky-fisted,
eventually smoothly shifting
the gears on that long-ago white Fiesta
I got it, how the motor and the mechanics
worked together, when I could hear it
without fear, panic, anxiety...while also
learning diplomacy, tact, teaching skills
balance, love, understanding,


Inspired by "Drive (for Daddy Gene)" by Alan Jackson

Thoughts during meetings

Listening to 'the perpetual quest'
read at an AA meeting today
I suddenly understood why
I thought/hoped fourteen years ago

that I would be tossed out of this group
if I refused to profess
that I was an alcoholic...

At my first meetings in 1988

in a different town, I was
there at the request of a friend
newly in recovery herself
even then, I refused to identify as
an alcoholic or having 

even a remote desire
to quit drinking
and
those long-ago recovering peeps
wanted to me to leave the meeting

because of my obdurate defiance
and then
a furious argument ensued
about my presence
the upshot of which was
I got to stay for a few meetings

...then, I didn't know that

that really wasn't how 'it' worked...

Then, I was indignant

how dare they boot me out
even though I didn't want to be there?

...though I never went back

until fifteen years later

when I was diligently trying to

get kicked out of Cody Group AA

and

they declined to accommodate me

Thank God

things that make me go 'hmmm'

and

make me grateful that I am now

teachable

Namaste

 Photo credit

To those who came
or
were a part of my life

before now

the friends
the lovers
the husbands
the family members
the oh-so-brief acquaintances
the deceased
the isolated
the abandoned
the hurting
the transient
the misunderstood
the mentally ill
the addicted

I release you
each of you
from
whatever might have been
could have been
or was
between us

respectfully and sincerely

I bow to you
each of you
hands over my heart

I greet you
I acknowledge you
I bid you farewell
I wish you well

each of you

always

Moving on

A dream last night
about the chaos
of splitting up
so much drama
tears, rage, filth, fear

something lost
an innocence, a trust
in the form of a child
something gained
compassion
new understanding
release and relief

the letting go...
curiously ambivalent
but relieved?
who knew that
though it was sad
it is good

"But you live here...why?"

A question
asked in a vision
by 'god' to a character
in a tv show, which entity
was intensely curious
why
the visionary
was emotionally
paused
in a moment of terrible loss
in the past

a pause for thought

if/when one is stuck in the past
in the pain
in the mistake or the lie
in someone else's opinion or perception

one does basically indeed 'live' there

and doesn't even know it

and can never move on

because one doesn't even know

one is living there


these are the moments to
examine, make peace with,
release

and move on

to live in the present

not the past

As earth is my witness

Buddhist sayings and teachings
so basic and so sensible
soothing and teaching

remembering the private beliefs
the innocent enlightenment of
childhood, so un-Christian yet
making so much sense to my
young mind
especially that of
reincarnation

those thoughts and perceptions
were repressed in the interest of
survival and 'fitting in'

but today, these return to me
I am ready and I am free
to explore and to be
who I am meant

Genuine...lies

Indubitable

bona fide

honest

actual

verifiable

considered

empathetic

factual

considerable

genuine

really?

hahahahahaha....

Bombast and bullshit

A gillie-wet-foot blunderbuss

of the abydocomist type

endlessly gnashgabbing

Member of the cult of non-virility

bedswerving bespawler

boblyning bobolyne

cumbergrounding dalcop

dew-beater klazomaniac

gobermunching fopdoodle

fustylugian FUSTILARIAN

loiter-sack lubberwort

quisby raggabadash

rakefire saddle-goose

skelpie-limmer snoutband

tallow-catch wandought

all hat and no cattle

gentleman of four outs

rumbumptuous gollumpus

shabbaroon wrinkler

skamelar mandrake mymmerkin

mumblecrust, drate-poke clack-box?

Joy and laughter

I've said it before
and I'll say it again

but the freedom from bullshit
is intoxicating

Everything, I mean everything,
is like a spring day as
snow melts and the crocuses
poke their purple, gold, and white noses
out of the ground, seeking the sun
hope unfurling with their green foliage
the barely damp ground nourishing and uplifting

...you know the feeling of that spring day?
when the frozen cold hell of winter is finally broken
and light becomes more than dark?

so much joy in my head
now that the dark clouds are gone
the oppressive presences blown away
by the winds of divorce and
spiritual housecleaning

the world has a new and sparkling sheen

adoring and loving the vitality
rising in me and
the people I choose
more than I ever have

I can trust again
I can love again
I can dream again

I laugh and laugh
glad the tears are gone
the sadness lifted

every day I am high on me
blissed out on my recovery and
my single status

I need nothing and no one else

ready for the next adventure

which just happens to be...every day of my life


"Call it what you want" by Taylor Swift

Did we fail her? No.

She's gone

saw her obituary today

from several weeks ago

remembering her sparkling eyes

delighted face

when we did her 5th step together

excited for the beginning of

her new life

but then

after treatment

half measures began

to her detriment

though we knew those half measures

would avail her nothing

still

we reached out, called, texted

encouraged

she walked away

she couldn't do recovery

so

she is gone

but

we

stayed

sober

Dancing in the pool

Walking

floating

musing

light touches and thoughts

pirouettes

singly and together

quiet, light conversation that

quickly becomes intense,

deep, meaningful,

semi-opaque

like

the water beneath us

gliding within

your arms

warm, sulfurish water curling

around our shoulders

swirling, twirling, talking

gazing into your eyes

sure


"I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack