Sunday, July 2, 2017

Thinking

Not a caseworker
or a medical professional
nor a counselor

A human
a woman
a survivor of equal trauma

I didn't ask anyone to endure
my crazy nor did they stay to
help or support
once they witnessed it

As a mostly single person, 
I determinedly, doggedly, persistently
got 'better'
   (calmer, rational, fair, compromise, balance)
with the help of
professional and twelve step support
became saner, developed
the muscles of responsibility, 
consideration of others, and then

gratefully accepted a place in society
as an allegedly normal person

I don't understand why I don't
have more compassion and patience
for what you are going through
since I have been through it myself
and walked the path with others who
have struggled with the same

Why is it/isn't it different?
Why is it/isn't it the same?

I can't let go of this need for
self-care and self-preservation
I can't seem to sacrifice my recovery and sanity

for yours

Where to find that balance?

When did my 'give-a-shit' get so broken?

I feel like a jerk while simultaneously
feeling my boundaries go up and stay up

high, high...and solid

while you shriek and claw at the stone

I sit quietly on the other side,
thinking

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