Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Self care

It feels like prayer
meditation
medicine
worship
service

this nurturing of my body
after all these years
of self abuse and
self neglect

I reverently lift the upgraded coffee
to my lips and visualize my cells
on their knees to gratefully receive
the life-giving blend of healing,
not just of food but of mindfulness

a communion of sorts, me and God and my body

Each bite a tiny Eucharist
sanctified by Him, His Guidance
a sort of pill or tincture
that nourishes my soul as well as my limbs

internal organs gratefully absorbing the
oxygen as well as intention
mindful action

I am restored
with every sip, every invocation, every step

Grace

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Thinking

Not a caseworker
or a medical professional
nor a counselor

A human
a woman
a survivor of equal trauma

I didn't ask anyone to endure
my crazy nor did they stay to
help or support
once they witnessed it

As a mostly single person, 
I determinedly, doggedly, persistently
got 'better'
   (calmer, rational, fair, compromise, balance)
with the help of
professional and twelve step support
became saner, developed
the muscles of responsibility, 
consideration of others, and then

gratefully accepted a place in society
as an allegedly normal person

I don't understand why I don't
have more compassion and patience
for what you are going through
since I have been through it myself
and walked the path with others who
have struggled with the same

Why is it/isn't it different?
Why is it/isn't it the same?

I can't let go of this need for
self-care and self-preservation
I can't seem to sacrifice my recovery and sanity

for yours

Where to find that balance?

When did my 'give-a-shit' get so broken?

I feel like a jerk while simultaneously
feeling my boundaries go up and stay up

high, high...and solid

while you shriek and claw at the stone

I sit quietly on the other side,
thinking