Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Waning

Again
why again
the friendships fade
against my will
against my hope
against my care

Intellectually
I understand and accept

Emotionally
devastation and abandonment

The silence and superficiality
I want to talk

she is closed and armored
with her husband guarding

I finally went home
can't push or force or beg

what did I do?

I didn't
I really do know that

but it still hurts



Thursday, May 18, 2017

The Great Wall (of?) (grief?) (relief?)

Today
the day
the anniversary of
her passing

Memories posted
pictures recycled
dreams recounted
'sightings' alleged

I wonder
why this doesn't
happen more to me

the 'presence' of

her

And then I realize

I still maintain a barrier
now a spiritual/mental one
rather than the geographical one
carefully guarded when
she was on this plane
to protect
myself

She rarely gets through
but usually
it is when I am
vulnerable
distracted
busy
asleep

she always catches me off guard

how many times has she tried?

I would guess, plenty
just based on the reports of the
sisters' maternal encounters

perhaps it is just
wishful thinking
by
all of us

Sunday, May 7, 2017

It had to be, with love to me/her

then, I was twenty seven
living in the Pacific Northwest
divorce impending, passion exploding
misty mornings, cloudy emotional evenings
bright professional days with a fake face
hiding the turmoil, the forbidden, the duality
Wilson Phillips warbling about life, along with Bonnie Raitt
on my very first CD player of my very own

his eyes gaze into mine and my knees weakened at the
power of his love and his codependence
so messed up, we both were, he still is
he strode through my life like a god
clay feet not visible until much, much later

foggy dawns staring at the jungle of vines just off the
apartment patio, morning stretches and coffee
wondering, thinking, unsure, young, damaged
by the long ago and not even knowing that the
damage wasn't normal because I was told that
the pain was normal and life wasn't fair and just
pull yourself up by your boot straps and it'll be fine

just then beginning the lifelong journey into self introspection
healing, memory, truth, painful, painful reality

still trying to drink and fuck that reality and pain
away with all the wrong people in all the wrong ways
but it wasn't working and I was seeking, seeking

but I love myself as I look back on being twenty seven
I was ready, I was tired of hurting, I was willing to try
anything even if I had to try a hundred times

young me finally got it later but at least she was finally
looking up at the horizon and ready ready
for me, the true me, the sober, sane, peaceful me

she didn't even know what was possible but she knew
something better was possible than what was happening then
we had to speak our truth, had to, then and now

it took what it took for her to be really, really ready
to meet in the middle of the time between then and now to
create ourself, love ourself, be ourself