Again
why again
the friendships fade
against my will
against my hope
against my care
Intellectually
I understand and accept
Emotionally
devastation and abandonment
The silence and superficiality
I want to talk
she is closed and armored
with her husband guarding
I finally went home
can't push or force or beg
what did I do?
I didn't
I really do know that
but it still hurts
NaPoWriMo...and beyond... Prosey poetry and free verse. Unapologetically real recovery. My words, my life, my experience.
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
Thursday, May 18, 2017
The Great Wall (of?) (grief?) (relief?)
Today
the day
the anniversary of
her passing
Memories posted
pictures recycled
dreams recounted
'sightings' alleged
I wonder
why this doesn't
happen more to me
the 'presence' of
her
And then I realize
I still maintain a barrier
now a spiritual/mental one
rather than the geographical one
carefully guarded when
she was on this plane
to protect
myself
She rarely gets through
but usually
it is when I am
vulnerable
distracted
busy
asleep
she always catches me off guard
how many times has she tried?
I would guess, plenty
just based on the reports of the
sisters' maternal encounters
perhaps it is just
wishful thinking
by
all of us
the day
the anniversary of
her passing
Memories posted
pictures recycled
dreams recounted
'sightings' alleged
I wonder
why this doesn't
happen more to me
the 'presence' of
her
And then I realize
I still maintain a barrier
now a spiritual/mental one
rather than the geographical one
carefully guarded when
she was on this plane
to protect
myself
She rarely gets through
but usually
it is when I am
vulnerable
distracted
busy
asleep
she always catches me off guard
how many times has she tried?
I would guess, plenty
just based on the reports of the
sisters' maternal encounters
perhaps it is just
wishful thinking
by
all of us
Sunday, May 7, 2017
It had to be, with love to me/her
then, I was twenty seven
living in the Pacific Northwest
divorce impending, passion exploding
misty mornings, cloudy emotional evenings
bright professional days with a fake face
hiding the turmoil, the forbidden, the duality
Wilson Phillips warbling about life, along with Bonnie Raitt
on my very first CD player of my very own
his eyes gazed into mine and my knees weakened at the
power of his love and his codependence
so messed up, we both were, he still is
he strode through my life like a god
clay feet not visible until much, much later
foggy dawns staring at the jungle of vines just off the
apartment patio, morning stretches and coffee
wondering, thinking, unsure, young, damaged
by the long ago and not even knowing that the
damage wasn't normal because I was told that
the pain was normal and life wasn't fair and just
pull yourself up by your boot straps and it'll be fine
just then beginning the lifelong journey into self introspection
healing, memory, truth, painful, painful reality
still trying to drink and fuck that reality and pain
away with all the wrong people in all the wrong ways
but it wasn't working and I was seeking, seeking
but I love myself as I look back on being twenty seven
I was ready, I was tired of hurting, I was willing to try
anything even if I had to try a hundred times
young me finally got it later but at least she was finally
looking up at the horizon and ready ready
for me, the true me, the sober, sane, peaceful me
she didn't even know what was possible but she knew
something better was possible than what was happening then
we had to speak our truth, had to, then and now
it took what it took for her to be really, really ready
to meet in the middle of the time between then and now to
create ourself, love ourself, be ourself
living in the Pacific Northwest
divorce impending, passion exploding
misty mornings, cloudy emotional evenings
bright professional days with a fake face
hiding the turmoil, the forbidden, the duality
Wilson Phillips warbling about life, along with Bonnie Raitt
on my very first CD player of my very own
his eyes gazed into mine and my knees weakened at the
power of his love and his codependence
so messed up, we both were, he still is
he strode through my life like a god
clay feet not visible until much, much later
foggy dawns staring at the jungle of vines just off the
apartment patio, morning stretches and coffee
wondering, thinking, unsure, young, damaged
by the long ago and not even knowing that the
damage wasn't normal because I was told that
the pain was normal and life wasn't fair and just
pull yourself up by your boot straps and it'll be fine
just then beginning the lifelong journey into self introspection
healing, memory, truth, painful, painful reality
still trying to drink and fuck that reality and pain
away with all the wrong people in all the wrong ways
but it wasn't working and I was seeking, seeking
but I love myself as I look back on being twenty seven
I was ready, I was tired of hurting, I was willing to try
anything even if I had to try a hundred times
young me finally got it later but at least she was finally
looking up at the horizon and ready ready
for me, the true me, the sober, sane, peaceful me
she didn't even know what was possible but she knew
something better was possible than what was happening then
we had to speak our truth, had to, then and now
it took what it took for her to be really, really ready
to meet in the middle of the time between then and now to
create ourself, love ourself, be ourself
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