Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Waning

Again
why again
the friendships fade
against my will
against my hope
against my care

Intellectually
I understand and accept

Emotionally
devastation and abandonment

The silence and superficiality
I want to talk

she is closed and armored
with her husband guarding

I finally went home
can't push or force or beg

what did I do?

I didn't
I really do know that

but it still hurts



Thursday, May 18, 2017

The Great Wall (of?) (grief?) (relief?)

Today
the day
the anniversary of
her passing

Memories posted
pictures recycled
dreams recounted
'sightings' alleged

I wonder
why this doesn't
happen more to me

the 'presence' of

her

And then I realize

I still maintain a barrier
now a spiritual/mental one
rather than the geographical one
carefully guarded when
she was on this plane
to protect
myself

She rarely gets through
but usually
it is when I am
vulnerable
distracted
busy
asleep

she always catches me off guard

how many times has she tried?

I would guess, plenty
just based on the reports of the
sisters' maternal encounters

perhaps it is just
wishful thinking
by
all of us

Sunday, May 7, 2017

It had to be, with love to me/her

then, I was twenty seven
living in the Pacific Northwest
divorce impending, passion exploding
misty mornings, cloudy emotional evenings
bright professional days with a fake face
hiding the turmoil, the forbidden, the duality
Wilson Phillips warbling about life, along with Bonnie Raitt
on my very first CD player of my very own

his eyes gaze into mine and my knees weakened at the
power of his love and his codependence
so messed up, we both were, he still is
he strode through my life like a god
clay feet not visible until much, much later

foggy dawns staring at the jungle of vines just off the
apartment patio, morning stretches and coffee
wondering, thinking, unsure, young, damaged
by the long ago and not even knowing that the
damage wasn't normal because I was told that
the pain was normal and life wasn't fair and just
pull yourself up by your boot straps and it'll be fine

just then beginning the lifelong journey into self introspection
healing, memory, truth, painful, painful reality

still trying to drink and fuck that reality and pain
away with all the wrong people in all the wrong ways
but it wasn't working and I was seeking, seeking

but I love myself as I look back on being twenty seven
I was ready, I was tired of hurting, I was willing to try
anything even if I had to try a hundred times

young me finally got it later but at least she was finally
looking up at the horizon and ready ready
for me, the true me, the sober, sane, peaceful me

she didn't even know what was possible but she knew
something better was possible than what was happening then
we had to speak our truth, had to, then and now

it took what it took for her to be really, really ready
to meet in the middle of the time between then and now to
create ourself, love ourself, be ourself

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Another day, another year

Mother's day is impending
as is the seventh anniversary of her passing

still so ambivalent about this person
who birthed me, cried over me,
feared for me, adored me,

and...

judged me, abused me, criticized me,
and ultimately, abandoned me.

Yet

I understand all of those behaviors of hers
better than I ever have

as I struggle to be her but a better her
me, a better me, a healed me, a compassionate one

I can
I will
I am

Friday, April 21, 2017

Parenting initiative

My nephew is the most amazing parent ever
I watch him with his eight month old son
his patience and creativity is astonishing
considering he grew up in a fairly
chaotic dysfunctional home
And he is wicked funny
when the little guy yells or cries
his father studies him carefully
watching the wee one's expression and
body language
before making any moves
and
the new dad
generally narrates his actions with
sarcastic but insightful remarks like
   'here's your keys, kid. Now go'
is tossed out as he jingles his key ring
just in front of the child's eyes
the room of midget watchers cracks up
the baby stops hollering
wide eyed with delight at
his father's attention, though
oblivious to the humor of
being given the car keys when
one has not yet learned to walk

"Write a poem that incorporates overheard speech" Prompt from and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 21

Thursday, April 20, 2017

The Grind in two parts

Oh my God
the night's dream wrestling interrupted
urrrghhhhh bleahhhh tired
despising everything and everyone
why does waking up always involve
such hatred for the entire race and self?
bleary eyed stumble to the bathroom
thoughts of calling in 'sick'
glass of water and turn up the furnace
staggering around opening shades
clothing jewelry tooth brush dog petting perfume deodorant
collecting electronics and assorted detritus
for the day at work, leaving
auto pilot drive, through the gate
the door, lights, computer, unpacking purse and brain
greeting lone coworker who is equally dark visaged
weak, useless, pathetic light of dawn

****

Coffee. Coffeeeeee. Coffeeeeeee!!!
personality firing on a few cylinders now
answer the phone and door pleasantly
though the impulse is still there to
mutilate all comers, it is dampened
by dawn and hydration and mindless
facebook surfing
thoughts of breakfast, friends, husband
weekend, projects, absent boss are
definitely more pleasing than they were
four hours ago
true blue sky with wispy clouds
unburdening the fatigue of spirit
another day

still wondering about the nebulous homicidal self
that is briefly present for the first hour
every single morning

"take this poem in parts...write about the feeling of the morning...STOP...Take your time, relax, and write the second half of your poem"
Prompt from the FB NaPoWriMo page. Posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 20

The origins of blame

The Woman was practical and wise
in the ways that only women are
she walked right past that tree
and the serpent
and the fruit
and the temptation

Preparing to walk right out
of paradise, to make her own way and to
use her God-given brains and talent

as God had intended and hoped for them BOTH

the Man was weak and susceptible
and even then, driven by the
ever-annoying (to women) drive to
dick measure with other males

(I'm talking about him throwing down with
both the snake AND the Deity)

the Man ate that apple
(HE did, not her...keep reading)
to prove his was bigger and better
that he was smarter and more 'on the ball'
than any old God or reptile could be

then

they found themselves
outside the gate
the Woman mentioned
to the Man that
it wasn't necessary to defy Him
or to prove to Him how stupid he was
or to dick measure, for fuck's sake (!)

(yep, she coined the word 'fuck')

God already knew that about the Man

(though He had hoped)

then

the Man blamed her
told and recorded the First Story
and has been shifting the blame
to her
ever since
for eternity

Write a poem that recounts a creation myth. Prompt from and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 19

Warrior

Standing silhouetted against
a skyline of war and blood
one arm raised defiantly high
clenching a gory aggressive sword
the chin proudly lifted under
the crested helmet

the other arm

around a collapsed fellow female
who cannot stand or defend
yet this woman refuses to
stand down or let go of
her comrade or to
surrender or quit or
concede defeat

together
they are

Poem based on favorite piece of art
Prompt from FB NaNoWriMo page and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 18

Monday, April 17, 2017

Hot springs honeymoons

The first one
he told me about the reservations
I was unsure
my previous experience had
been with a broken down,
poorly maintained pool that
while fun
was a health hazard.
Chico turned out to be a dreamy resort
full of and surrounded by romantic touches
many of them his
a private, hillside cabin overlooking the property
unique food options, hiking trails, spa, and nearby meetings
refreshed and rested by the attention and the getaway


The second one
was visited after the romantic B&B and the
Glacier Park cabin
the second stop fraught with so many problems
my viewpoint had become rather jaded and reluctant
Fairmont was merely a hotel with several large pools
that we got into once, so tired from our other travels
nothing truly special, especially not the food
the bright spots were the buddhist gardens
and seeing another (now married) couple from our
marriage prep days
frazzled and irritated, I couldn't wait to get home
many doubtful months of healing followed

Write a poem about a place you visited,how you imagined it beforehand, and what it was actually like.
Prompt from the FB NaPoWriMo page and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 17

After

I am not as mad at you
as I once was
more like
bemused by
the messes you left behind
after a lifetime of OCD tidiness
Your husband lives in
a crumbling pile of
the remnants of your
hobbies and decorations
his only solace is his God
I sure hope wish ask
that he could get some
motivation and healing
to 'live' and get on with
his life without you
the rest of us are finally
getting there, especially
now that we are knee deep in babies
your favorite humans of all
I see glimmers of you in them
and in our loving of them
they would have been delighted
to be adored by you in the
here and now
We all wish you had chosen
to live stay enjoy
with us, even me
even with the old resentments
though those are almost gone

'take your inspiration ... from the act of letter-writing"  - Prompt from and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 16

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Half way to forever

Changes in lifestyle
gazing back over two months (fifty seven days) 
achieving abstinent 
success and such a different
state of mind after ceasing
to emotionally medicate
writing every day to chronicle
both current metamorphosis and future hope
excited about the next sixty
knowing this can be done
eager to pass the dread and previously
insurmountable ninety day mark
joyfully running full tilt
toward better health and
me

Write a poem that reflects on the nature of being in the middle of something.
Prompt from and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 15

Haiku: hunger

faint tingle in tummy
lips tremble in fear of lack
anticipation

the lizard speaks

craving famished yes munchie
but is it legit

old thinking cavorts
memories of good and bad
centered around food

whirl in the brain stem
how does it feel now thinking
what is real and what

today's habits formed by
media and medicine
how many truly

feel the pang the lack
empty or actually
just conditioning

It's Haiku Friday! Don't take it too easy today, see if you can knock out 5 haiku's on the same topic! 
Prompt from NaPo FB page and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 14

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Tears in heaven

The decision made
once again and so soon again
to release the furry child
from her illness and suffering
slow huge tears rolled down
impossible to stop
slowly slowly falling
grieving the loss of
another dear sweet pet
crystal precious grief

Write a poem about the last time you brought to tears.
Prompt from and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 13

Unbiological sisters

No matter what everyone else is doing
I hate that inner compulsion to do the right thing
Adulting is hard sometimes, you know?
   about her latest shenanigans with our offspring
The second, for the first time, I will keep my mouth shut
   on her terms, no matter what she may say or pull
For the first time, I will make an effort to interact with the first
The second I want to kick her ass every time we speak
The first I can't talk to without significant mental preparation
The other is a self-righteous, shameless narcissistic heathen
One is a supremely fundamentalist, stick-up-the-ass Christian
An ex is another unlooked-for 'sister'
The husband's youngest sister is one such
But not all sisters are biological
Sisters are such jerks at times

Prompt from FB NaPo page, "write a poem starting with the last line and ending with the first line"  
and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 12


Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Telephone

A hurricane of texts
from two different people
about the same problem and
of course neither has the same story
I am the eye of that storm

Did you actually ever consider talking?

She said he said that such and such
would be done by this and that day
It didn't happen
She didn't ask
He didn't tell
She took action
He took counteraction
of course the problem became worse

Did you actually ever consider talking?

I asked them both, carefully and tactfully,
about communication strategies used
one claimed the other had made a promise
the other avowed that he told her it would 
be taken care of and that was all she needed to know
both obtained frustration rather than resolution

Did you ever consider actually talking?

Prompt from and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 11

Monday, April 10, 2017

Soulmate...at last

Perspicacious wit
distinguished silver mane
bluest blue eyes
   that I can look up into
endless and intelligent wisecracking
worshipful courtship
faith-filled uplifted confidence
ferocious writer
healed and healing from past
kitchen wizard and food god
sensual sapiosexual
intentional investment
in us

Prompt from and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 10

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Migraine

The pain is always shockingly exquisite
after all these years, one would think
it would become ordinary blase normal
the neck is tight and cramping while the temples
throb and spike and swell and spread
nausea, light, motion all become excruciating
time stretches out inexorably as the wait
for the little white pill to take effect
drifts and stumbles and drags until finally...release

Prompt from and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 9

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Thought think

It's not what I thought
being married again
nothing is a unilateral decision now
It's not what I thought
sharing a living space with another
who knew how profoundly the small stuff would bug me?
It's not what I thought
after five years of very welcome solitude
so many days I'd rather be lonely again
It's not what I thought
being encouraged to come out of this private known space
dang, it is is hard to open up - it's comfie in here
It's not what I thought
to share fiercely guarded Saturday mornings with an ambivert
missing those many solitary weekends when I never even spoke to anyone
It's not what I thought

It is what I thought
struggling with opening my inner world to him
he sees it but still has no idea the depth and breadth and privacy
It is what I thought
being irritated to be awoken on my one day to sleep in
really? must we slam doors, clump around, and not shush the dogs?
It is what I thought
navigating the shared waters of finances, housekeeping, planning
though I still want to be in absolute control, must strive for mutuality
It is what I thought
still longing for intimacy that is rarely available from the average male
I don't why I even thought it would possibly be different that time
It is what I thought

Inspired by and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 8

Friday afternoon fortuitousness

The hound cavorts joyfully through the mud
brushing noses with newfound canine pals
touch bark run touch bark run
he saunters back to me to press
his dripping nose against my bare arm
then off again like a streak
towards the dog park gate
where new possibilities enter
every few minutes
I tug my blanket tighter around
my shoulders as one fist grips
the Atkins '72 book brought with
finger bookmarking the spot
where I paused to think
about the ADD mystery of
my boss searching for his notes
on his own desk and why it is up
to me to find them right in front
of his face, every damn day
similar to the mystery of the missing
serrated bread knife that my husband
has absolutely no idea where it might be
I never lose stuff, ever, I'm way too
vigilant about not wasting my own time and money
everything has a place and I put it there
Sipping iced coffee from the local Starbucks kiosk
I brace myself ... and the cup ... as
the dog dashes up to sniff the book
gazing adoringly into my eyes for
a brief moment before tearing off
to find unexplored olfactory delights

Inspired by and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 7


Thursday, April 6, 2017

Job interview in seven acts

I.

This guy has a great resume
lots of skills, mad skills
but a little on the coarse side

II.

He's my friend, my friend
hope hope hope
*cringe* don't cuss, man!

III.

Can he get along with everyone?
Can he pass tests?
Will he take direction?

IV.

My nephew is so obviously
the perfect candidate, young,
moldable, intelligent...can't you all see that?

V.

Tell us why you want to work for us
what attracts you to this job?
what are you hoping to get by working here?

VI.

They are equally matched candidates
Each would do a great job for us
what is the determining factor?

VII.

Call the references
what is the candidate's desperation level?
who might be the most loyal?

Prompt from and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 6. Also posted (on a whim) to dVerse Poets Pub - open mic night 4/6/17.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Twilight corner

The rocker creaks
blanket whispering
gazing at the horseshoe
of trees, roses, raspberries,
flowers, chives, apples, chokecherries
Pomeranians dot the lawn, sniffing
for earthworms and each other
quiet quiet quiet
the world murmurs almost indistinguishably
condensation on the wine glass
gently slowly trickles down
steadily glowing light strings gently
illuminate the patio
mimicking the star spangled sky above them
crickets compete with the barn owl
who sporadically chimes in
the darkened glimmer of the Kindle
touches the eyes as they
switch between the glorious
nightfall glimpse of reality and the
dull glow of the virtual
rocking
  rocking
    rocking
      peaceful
        precious

Written and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 5: "it should be about a slice of the natural world that you have personally experienced and optimally, one that you have experienced often"

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Stream of consciousness

Longing, remembering, craving
confusion of personality in charge
grown often regressed inner child
adulting is hard and boring
monofocus on what is wanted
everyone else should obey
unthinking but adoring
feet and knees and hips hurt
memories waft of days spent
running jumping climbing riding
without a thought of anything
but the motion of being young and
alive not appreciating that some day
lithe or effortless or even vaguely cooperative
would not even be on the horizon
omnipresent bills and responsibility
feeling like the only one who works
or gives a fuck
while everyone else is retired disabled lazy
and getting away with everything that
she never did

Written and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 4. Prompt source: my own head.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Elegiacally emotionless


She had the best poker face
She could hate a person's guts
yet smile and laugh with someone
they would never know
the rage, disappointment, or vengeance
purling beneath the calm

unless one knew what to look for

A helpful trait when growing with an alcoholic father
who sadistically sought other's emotional triggers
he mashed those buttons anyway, but
she learned to never let on that she was 
bleeding to death inside

Useful too when dealing with
her six daughters, only one of whom
inherited the poker face, the rest of
them having 'glass' faces
imagine the chaos and power-jockeying
in that household when every nuance of
every visage was fuel or tool

Now, don't be thinking she didn't ever
express anything with her face, though
if she was happy, her eyes would crinkle up
she would throw back
her head and laugh, infectious belly laughs
pulling the whole room in on the joke

And she could weep like nobody's business
whether grief or manipulation, tears were
seamlessly effective and expressive

And if one was in 'trouble', a mere flicker
of her eyes or the subtle set of her lips let the
victim know that 'just you wait' or 'frozen out'
would soon be a pain-filled part of
someone's future

Posted for and prompt from NaPoWriMo - Day 3: write a elegiac poem that centers on an unusual fact about the person or thing being mourned

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Happy life

I adopt rescue dogs

regularly

There is joy in watching
them respond to love
and safety and spoiling

There is sadness in holding
them as they grow old and
frail and fail and leave me

But I keep doing it - the rescues

Nobody should be abandoned
unloved
unwanted

Especially the innocent
the animals we domesticated
and befriended

Miss Maggie left a month ago
after three good years of finding her
and nursing her back to health

Miss Princess is leaving today
Now a pained, weak little girl also
pampered and loved into health
over two years
breaking my heart as I
make this decision to release her

So sad. But glad I was able to
provide them both with a little bit of
a happy life


Poetry prompt from NaPoWriMo - Day 2 -. Poem posted for the same!

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Never ever ever

I know I will see you today
the same old tension will be present
and the same old hope, on your part
as you watch me and vigilantly monitor
my current relationship for
cracks and failure

You won't find any
no matter what happens with
me and him
besides
you aren't invited back in
ever

So paste that smile on
flirt and be friendly
I will do the same
though my smile will be
genuine
and very happy

I will enjoy the event
we are both attending
knowing what I know
knowing what you do not
   seem to know

Poem written/posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 1   Poem idea from Agodon

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Dreams of my mother

Wedding preparation
in a combination location
part Irish pub, hockey game, crumbling mansion

couldn't find the veil, the bustier, the stockings
serenely finding solutions and missing items
though slowly

our guests patiently waiting in a
Mardi Gras swirl of preparation

Mom was there

Mom was there

Mom was there
laughing, serving, problem-solving
her joyful face
helping me dress for my big day

She escorted me to the ceremony site
one arm around me and the other hand gently holding my wrist
after twining her rosary through my fingers
no bouquet, just her prayers and good wishes

handing me off to my husband with
her trademark smile, eyes crinkled with merriment

Her face beamed at him, at me, at us
nodding, affirming, consecrating

****

waking this morning with a sense of well-being
having made some sort of peace
with her,
receiving her approval and blessing
in the chaos of a heavily symbolic dream
of one of the best days of my life

I'm sure I will figure all the meanings out
eventually

but she was there!
she was there...
and happy and approving and involved

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Time stood still

Sauntering the aisles
of WalMart
during a speedy noon hour shop

loading the cart
with protein
protein
protein

Greeting acquaintances
and friends and
respectfully nodding to
the scurrying slaves of Sam.

Reaching for a box of
decaf k-cups

I suddenly see

the old friend.

Quickly, I cut my eyes away
so that she doesn't have to
acknowledge me

....but she does...

Ending her phone call rapidly,
a big smile and a hug

so unexpected

and so very welcome.

We talk and talk and talk
adjusting our carts so that
others can pass us
animatedly sharing about
our husbands
our kids
our jobs
our health.

What was only a few minutes
seemed like hours and hours and hours
of glorious intellectual intimacy
with someone who knows me
so very well

time stood still

the sunlight of the spirit
bathing our deprived souls

And we both remember
how good, so good, so fabulous
our friendship was

though I never forgot

As I hug her again
and turn away to
check out
before returning to work

I look back as I walk away

...as she does...

we both have tears in our eyes

looking at each other longingly


oh, how I wish...and miss.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Honestly friends

After mourning the
apparent loss of a
friend of many years
and wondering
often
what I did
'wrong'
I just realized that
it never was about
me and I did not
do anything wrong
unless
being honest
is being wrong
which I was (honest)
which I was not (wrong)

Communication is key
in any relationship
and that person was
not honest
not communicating
about what is really
going on
with her

I've heard some rumors
(which I take with a grain of salt)
(but one grain made me wonder)
that made me realize
that her choices and
her lack of
honesty
are the real reason that
that friendship is gone

Not me


Saturday, February 4, 2017

Mourning...but not for long

All I want
is your attention
your courtship
of me
to resume

I don't know
who this is
I am living
with
anymore

The farther away
you stray
mentally and emotionally
the more restless
and angry
I become

I don't understand
what has happened
or how to fix it

It took a month longer
this time

three to four

I wish that were a good sign

but it's not

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Drinking from a fire hose











done

for now

with social media
   internet news sites

heartily sick of
  newsletters
    petitions
      msn

anything to do with
    the elections and...
        ...the aftermath.

peace
   quiet
      sanity
        are welcome
          ...immediately!
             
rather than this non-stop onslaught
  of negative and inflammatory
    information a.k.a. news
      most of which is relatively
          suspect as to
                ...truth

no more being overwhelmed
  angry
    frustrated
      confused
        defensive

finished with the assault
  by the 'virtual' world
which, while it has been fun
  at times
is no longer a positive
  influence
     in my life

tired

(though there will be more poetry in the future)