Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Who knew?

Once again
uncertain
a few words
make me wonder
withdraw
will this
really
happen?
impatiently patient
a tiny fear
remaining
is it for real?
is it a game?
Pacing around the
mental circle
the edge of the
pool of emotions
running the mental hamster
wheel
wondering
cautious
certain that I have
misunderstood
the intentions
the stated goal
the timing
the reality

the unknowing
is
excruciating

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

After the ball

At work, considering the coming evening,
a stray fairy godmother of a thought
led me to attire and prepare myself
with more care
than I had originally planned
for an impending company Christmas party.

A little lady-scaping and a rummage through
the closet later, royal jewels donned and face
carefully touched up,
this princess was ready for action.

Afterwards, the Expedition coach returned me
home, long before midnight, and
as the jewelry and the heels came off
(both shoes present),
the dress was gently returned to the closet,
I considered my prince, ever courtly, faithful, and gentle,
and
the  ugly step sister(s)
at the dinner,
and was glad I listened to
the inner dialogue
of the kingdom
of self care.

My every day self re-emerged from the
glitter and chaos of the evening,
but my happily ever after was still
happening, still happy.

Monday, December 21, 2015

(old) and (former) friends

why...?

the snubbing?
the cutting remarks?
the aloof noses?
the distant airs?
the elusive (non) commitments?
the junior high clumping of whispers and looks?

Has this been going on all along
and I just now noticed
(pardon me for being happily busy)
or am I late to the 'party' of '*sniff* look at her'?

or was there a precipitating event
or attitude or person that I missed as well?

I have no idea what happened
to change your collective attitudes and
treatment of me

I thought we were still friends
no matter what
but evidently
I am not 'doing'
something that I was supposed to
be doing
or not doing
something that I was supposed to
be not doing

like not ostracizing and/or evicting a certain person permanently from my life

like not falling completely apart in the face of
       divorce and illness and financial devastation

like not running to you in desperation with my problems
        but figuring them out with a little help from a Friend

like finding a really nice MAN to brighten up my life
        instead of cloistering myself in disappointed bitterness

like being and becoming happy despite all others' expectations and
        mean-spirited hopes of me falling on my face
        and staying fallen?

I didn't. So there!

Or are you feeling threatened or less than yourselves
because I am still a member of the groups
we met through
and I am still attending
and I haven't seen ANY of you show up at
any of them
in years.

Humph.

The world may never know.

(Or care. I don't, now.)




Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Did you get what you came for?

The Inner Kids slush back and forth
between excitement and terror.
What if our dreams are finally coming true?
I am infected with their uncertainty
and fear, doubts creeping around the edges
of consciousness and night dreams.
The current reality has been fine until now
it didn't really seem real, you see.
But it is suddenly getting 'real'
and about to get more real, I suspect.
See, before, I agreed to stuff and plans,
resignedly thinking to myself that
all this high falutin' dreaming and talking
would never actually happen.
Because, you see, 'it' never happens for me.
Something always occurs to screw it up
or make it go 'away.'
I know what I want.
I am hyper aware of what my dreams are.
I am very susceptible to someone offering me
the fulfillment of my hopes.
But for it to actually happen.
What will I say? What will he say?
or will it all go away, like it always does?
What if 'always' has stopped happening for me?
And forever is now here?
(Finally. At long last. Please God.)

Monday, December 7, 2015

Waiting

A place remembered and
sought and cherished
so many times before
yet this time is truly different:
biding the next step of
the future, the timing not controlled
or structured or chosen yet,
though that unknowing is
welcome and anticipated.

So much change this past year and
it keeps coming,
the unexpected legal singleness
love and an unsought future blooming
quietly
as offspring and exes recede
into their own chaos
where they belong.

The door is open
the heart is too
though it seemed it was carefully
closed forever, a persistent one
gently and inexorably held and
persuaded and
loved and breached
the closure, gentle unfolding
more and more and more
the beautiful pink passion and
fidelity and delicately distinct
from all the others.
What others?
They are gone and there is only
hope. Trust. Contentment.