Wednesday, July 29, 2015

To dream....

Image credit: Pablo Picasso

It is so delightful to
dream of the future with you
dreams that used to be impossible

but it's not really impossible
the plans we are making.

The impossible already happened
when I met you.

Monday, July 27, 2015



How very interesting to hear from you

after thirty four years of silence

that took me ten of those to get over you

and the gut-punch betrayal you put me through.

Now here you are with amends and

explanations that don't quite jive with my memory

but are appreciated and cherished none-the-less

despite being so belated.

At least you finally recognized that you did harm.

I sincerely believe in karma.

I've been visited by karma many times to

balance the universal scales for the hurts I've inflicted

and the lies I've told and my carelessness with other's hearts.

And it was excruciatingly painful and humiliating

but I came to understand that that was what needed to

happen to be released from my past and to be able to live

fully and joyfully in the present.

But you...

have been bitch slapped, stomped, and run over

with a monster ass steam roller, no less, and

multiple times by the K bitch.

I don't feel glee over those results, but

privileged and humbled to be allowed to know

that karma does indeed happen and

the justice that only the universe can deal out

is served and

not just to me.

But I accept your amends and offer you peace and healing

because it's the right thing to do and

I wish you no further pain or harm.


Saturday, July 25, 2015

Sadly waning

How do I deal with
the lack of plans
the lack of planning
the complete submissiveness to others
the random disregard for my schedule
   and availability

I don't like
getting only the crumbs of your attention
the leftover bits of time others haven't demanded
the half assed offering of future plans
   that likely won't manifest

I am starting to understand
the resentments of ex's about your
involvement with your family and
  the emotionally incestuous relationships

I heavily resent
your lack of motivation or dreams
   except as relates to others
and the studied helplessness
   in so many areas of your life
the victim mentality doesn't become you
   or our nascent relationship.

I heartily dislike
the long emotional speeches
the practiced patter of expressed sentiments
the false self who unconciously operates dishonestly.

I am bored and irritated by
  the religion and belief statements
  boldly in my face though
  I have clearly stated I don't like that
  it feels like a whip across my soul

Freedom beckons, sanity calls, life
  without resentments or wondering what's real
  knocks at my front door
  once again.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015


Image credit

      current events

Uncertainty about

what is wanted
what is offered

My own quiscient brokenness
   advancing and receding
      as each day excitingly unfolds with you

   though I don't usually talk about that ancient brokenness

I don't know what I want
I fear the love you offer
It scares me because it might be real

I dread the possibility that this might all be
     a con a lie a manipulation
          an eventual abandonment

Our tie is strong when it is connected
   like a safety net of caring that is
      unbreakable and completely reliable

But when the link drops and
   I despair in the emptiness and
     quickly close myself up

        staticky psychic silence and old hurts
            enfolding me

It's difficult to reemerge
     from that protective chrysalis

Painfully difficult even when you gently
   offer and attempt to establish
      that intimacy again

even after your 'batshit' crazy day
   even after your medical 'thing'

What is real?

I don't know.

But I too often fear
     to find out

But then

You touch me.

Reassuringly full body hug,
        ...though surprisingly not sexual...

hold my hands
   gently kiss me
      gaze into my eyes with
         your fathomless blue ones
            speak your feelings
               and hopes

And I am comforted
         the bond between us
            surges so strongly that I am surprised and delighted

and I wonder why
   I ever doubted.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Self expanded

Image credit

A circle of heads, tresses
brightly hued red, blond, brown
all curly, wavy, fly-away,
foreheads touching and
freckled arms around shoulders.
The circle widens slightly as
a new head takes its place,
a shimmering flower opening in the
tight patch of luminous blooms.
All together now, smiling, their faces turn up to
the Parent, curious and welcoming and loving
this unexpected latecomer
to the True Self.
She is uncertain
but not as uncertain as the others were
when they emerged.
The others hold her tight
not letting go even when
she squirms and cries and rages.
Soothing and loving, they hug her as
she weeps her hurts and her fears
and at last relaxes
into the security and pledge of
Unconditional Love.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Inner children dream

Image credit

The dream of chaos and
a cluttered apartment,
two lost children,
one small and barely vocal or mobile
the other older and already running off
at the slightest whiff of abandonment
The phone call from the 'mother'
reminding me of my promise to 'watch' them.

I carefully gather these hard-known
doppelgangers and dress and feed
and read and bed them, all while
listening to the dulcet tones of the
new male friend, talking and talking.
He doesn't see the kids but it's okay.
I do. They are mine. They are me.

The talking goes on while I gather dishes
stack books, accumulate laundry, and
(curiously) check the swimming pool
for stragglers and stuff, while
neighbors ghost through and around, oblivious to
my presence and his. Who's real?

He promises and pays and and prays and pontificates.
He makes me laugh, unexpected and joyful.
I am soothed by his care and his hopes,
yet unswayed from mine. We verbally meld
our hopes and thoughts as I strive.

The disordered home doesn't seem to clear much
despite my orderly efforts, yet I am
clearer eyed and calmer and once again the
kids are quiscient, content, loved.

I won't forget
my precious ones
the truest me's
the smallest to the largest,
my purest and cherished self.

As we explore new vistas and relationships
I'm holding us tightly
I promise.
We won't have to lose
ourselves or anything else
ever again
unless we choose to
to be more truly