Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Who knew?

Once again
uncertain
a few words
make me wonder
withdraw
will this
really
happen?
impatiently patient
a tiny fear
remaining
is it for real?
is it a game?
Pacing around the
mental circle
the edge of the
pool of emotions
running the mental hamster
wheel
wondering
cautious
certain that I have
misunderstood
the intentions
the stated goal
the timing
the reality

the unknowing
is
excruciating

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

After the ball

At work, considering the coming evening,
a stray fairy godmother of a thought
led me to attire and prepare myself
with more care
than I had originally planned
for an impending company Christmas party.

A little lady-scaping and a rummage through
the closet later, royal jewels donned and face
carefully touched up,
this princess was ready for action.

Afterwards, the Expedition coach returned me
home, long before midnight, and
as the jewelry and the heels came off
(both shoes present),
the dress was gently returned to the closet,
I considered my prince, ever courtly, faithful, and gentle,
and
the  ugly step sister(s)
at the dinner,
and was glad I listened to
the inner dialogue
of the kingdom
of self care.

My every day self re-emerged from the
glitter and chaos of the evening,
but my happily ever after was still
happening, still happy.

Monday, December 21, 2015

(old) and (former) friends

why...?

the snubbing?
the cutting remarks?
the aloof noses?
the distant airs?
the elusive (non) commitments?
the junior high clumping of whispers and looks?

Has this been going on all along
and I just now noticed
(pardon me for being happily busy)
or am I late to the 'party' of '*sniff* look at her'?

or was there a precipitating event
or attitude or person that I missed as well?

I have no idea what happened
to change your collective attitudes and
treatment of me

I thought we were still friends
no matter what
but evidently
I am not 'doing'
something that I was supposed to
be doing
or not doing
something that I was supposed to
be not doing

like not ostracizing and/or evicting a certain person permanently from my life

like not falling completely apart in the face of
       divorce and illness and financial devastation

like not running to you in desperation with my problems
        but figuring them out with a little help from a Friend

like finding a really nice MAN to brighten up my life
        instead of cloistering myself in disappointed bitterness

like being and becoming happy despite all others' expectations and
        mean-spirited hopes of me falling on my face
        and staying fallen?

I didn't. So there!

Or are you feeling threatened or less than yourselves
because I am still a member of the groups
we met through
and I am still attending
and I haven't seen ANY of you show up at
any of them
in years.

Humph.

The world may never know.

(Or care. I don't, now.)




Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Did you get what you came for?

The Inner Kids slush back and forth
between excitement and terror.
What if our dreams are finally coming true?
I am infected with their uncertainty
and fear, doubts creeping around the edges
of consciousness and night dreams.
The current reality has been fine until now
it didn't really seem real, you see.
But it is suddenly getting 'real'
and about to get more real, I suspect.
See, before, I agreed to stuff and plans,
resignedly thinking to myself that
all this high falutin' dreaming and talking
would never actually happen.
Because, you see, 'it' never happens for me.
Something always occurs to screw it up
or make it go 'away.'
I know what I want.
I am hyper aware of what my dreams are.
I am very susceptible to someone offering me
the fulfillment of my hopes.
But for it to actually happen.
What will I say? What will he say?
or will it all go away, like it always does?
What if 'always' has stopped happening for me?
And forever is now here?
(Finally. At long last. Please God.)

Monday, December 7, 2015

Waiting

A place remembered and
sought and cherished
so many times before
yet this time is truly different:
biding the next step of
the future, the timing not controlled
or structured or chosen yet,
though that unknowing is
welcome and anticipated.

So much change this past year and
it keeps coming,
the unexpected legal singleness
love and an unsought future blooming
quietly
as offspring and exes recede
into their own chaos
where they belong.

The door is open
the heart is too
though it seemed it was carefully
closed forever, a persistent one
gently and inexorably held and
persuaded and
loved and breached
the closure, gentle unfolding
more and more and more
the beautiful pink passion and
fidelity and delicately distinct
from all the others.
What others?
They are gone and there is only
hope. Trust. Contentment.


Friday, November 27, 2015

Happily ever after

Image credit

















Surrounded by dogs and kids
but missing my love
full of contentment and peace
though the house is chaos with
every surface taken over by 'stuff',
my internal landscape is tidy and
full and hopeful,
he lives within my heart
always now and
will never leave.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

The Con

It just keeps happening
People are not who they say they are
They say whatever they have to
to get what they want and then
---k you.

I am always so hopeful that this time
it will be different
but it never is.
100% of the time, it never is.
Never.
NEVER.

Tired of being last place.
Tired of being lied to.
Tired of being taken for granted.
Tired of not being important enough.
Tired of not being loved enough.
Tired of trying.
Tired of feeling tired of feeling
unwanted.
Tired.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Desire

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After snuggling in a chrysalis
wrapped in loss, abandonment, and isolation
she finally gets too big for it.
And so it cracks open
tiny bulges and then bigger ones
a tiny hernia then two then three
size expanding rapidly
as legs and arms and head
poke out.
Delicately climbing out of the shroud and
standing on newly unsteady feet,
she uncoils to her full height, and then
senses a velvety unknown weight
resting between her shoulder blades.
Instinctively, she flexes her back muscles
and feels jewel toned wings slowly unfold,
fully radiant translucently magnificent.
Flexing gently, she marvels at
their emerging brilliance as they dry,
one foot on the chrysalis
discarded and somehow so much tinier
than it was a few minutes ago.
She pins its fluttery papery substance
with a toe, momentarily,
thinking she might need it again,
not understanding yet that
it will never fit her
never be enough
ever again, and so
as her wings billow strongly around her
her brilliant green eyes gaze upon the world
so lately ignored
she prepares to fly.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Trust vs fear

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I guess I blew it
when I allowed fear
to overtake me
over a small hitch
in communication
and I wouldn't let it go,
wouldn't forgive,
wouldn't love.
How many times will it take
before I learn to trust despite
small unintentional cuts
that certainly aren't the axe blows
of previous relationships?
I fear I really screwed it up
this time
and there may not be
another chance.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Autumn inner child

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Oh they are happy today
the little and the big
because they were heard
and loved.

They scatter in the park of my mind
skipping and swinging and shouting
chasing late butterflies and bugs
leaping wildly through piles of leaves
deeply inhaling the crisp scent of frost and apples
scribbling sidewalk chalk vistas on
every available speck of concrete...

...instead of weighing me down with
fatigue and worries and fears
paralyzing my life, emotions, and dreams.

The freedom is intoxicating.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

The honeymoon is over is it I don't know

Feeling sad
the same old same old
is happening yet again
despite the usual assurances
more creatively and convincingly
presented than in the past

The sudden shift from a priority
to a text-based relationship
is depressing

but not really unanticipated

My expectations must be too high
for the reality of the human male
any human male
no matter how fabulously
he presents himself

but I can't live with anything less

I wish I could

is this really when the work begins

or is it time to move on?

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Marking a moment

And

You're gone.

You did tell me,
right from the beginning
of that last conversation
that lasted several weeks,
that
you were about to die and
you wanted to make amends
to me
before you did
for the insanity of our teenage years
and that last, soul-destroying betrayal.

I thought you meant that you had a
condition, injury, or disease that was
impacting your quality of life,
possibly terminally.

Then
in the very last contact,
you told me
you were committing suicide.

I thought you were playing the
same old games, the tiresome manipulations
because you were not getting what you wanted
which was...me.

I stopped the contact.

And then a few weeks later...
the obituary

No guilt but a quiet thoughtfulness.
What karmic significance was entangled
in our brief contact, your death, and
the craziness that was last weekend?

The scales are balanced again
though I did not know they were
out of balance.

You did. You told me. I thought.






Written for Poets United Midweek Motif, "Watershed Moments", 9/2/15

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

To dream....

Image credit: Pablo Picasso


It is so delightful to
dream of the future with you
dreams that used to be impossible

but it's not really impossible
the plans we are making.

The impossible already happened
when I met you.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Karma














Wow.


How very interesting to hear from you

after thirty four years of silence

that took me ten of those to get over you

and the gut-punch betrayal you put me through.

Now here you are with amends and

explanations that don't quite jive with my memory

but are appreciated and cherished none-the-less

despite being so belated.

At least you finally recognized that you did harm.



I sincerely believe in karma.

I've been visited by karma many times to

balance the universal scales for the hurts I've inflicted

and the lies I've told and my carelessness with other's hearts.

And it was excruciatingly painful and humiliating

but I came to understand that that was what needed to

happen to be released from my past and to be able to live

fully and joyfully in the present.



But you...

have been bitch slapped, stomped, and run over

with a monster ass steam roller, no less, and

multiple times by the K bitch.

I don't feel glee over those results, but

privileged and humbled to be allowed to know

that karma does indeed happen and

the justice that only the universe can deal out

is served and

not just to me.

But I accept your amends and offer you peace and healing

because it's the right thing to do and

I wish you no further pain or harm.



Wow.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Sadly waning

How do I deal with
the lack of plans
the lack of planning
the complete submissiveness to others
the random disregard for my schedule
   and availability

I don't like
getting only the crumbs of your attention
the leftover bits of time others haven't demanded
the half assed offering of future plans
   that likely won't manifest

I am starting to understand
the resentments of ex's about your
involvement with your family and
  the emotionally incestuous relationships

I heavily resent
your lack of motivation or dreams
   except as relates to others
and the studied helplessness
   in so many areas of your life
the victim mentality doesn't become you
   or our nascent relationship.

I heartily dislike
the long emotional speeches
the practiced patter of expressed sentiments
the false self who unconciously operates dishonestly.

I am bored and irritated by
  the religion and belief statements
  boldly in my face though
  I have clearly stated I don't like that
  it feels like a whip across my soul

Freedom beckons, sanity calls, life
  without resentments or wondering what's real
  knocks at my front door
  once again.


Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Connection

Image credit














Emotions
   memories
      current events

Uncertainty about

what is wanted
what is offered

My own quiscient brokenness
   advancing and receding
      as each day excitingly unfolds with you

   though I don't usually talk about that ancient brokenness

I don't know what I want
I fear the love you offer
It scares me because it might be real

I dread the possibility that this might all be
     a con a lie a manipulation
          an eventual abandonment

Our tie is strong when it is connected
   like a safety net of caring that is
      unbreakable and completely reliable

But when the link drops and
   I despair in the emptiness and
     quickly close myself up

        staticky psychic silence and old hurts
            enfolding me

It's difficult to reemerge
     from that protective chrysalis

Painfully difficult even when you gently
   offer and attempt to establish
      that intimacy again
        verbally

even after your 'batshit' crazy day
   even after your medical 'thing'

What is real?

I don't know.

But I too often fear
     to find out

But then

You touch me.

Reassuringly full body hug,
        ...though surprisingly not sexual...

hold my hands
   gently kiss me
      gaze into my eyes with
         your fathomless blue ones
            speak your feelings
               and hopes

And I am comforted
   soothed
      loved
         the bond between us
            surges so strongly that I am surprised and delighted

and I wonder why
   I ever doubted.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Self expanded

Image credit















A circle of heads, tresses
brightly hued red, blond, brown
all curly, wavy, fly-away,
foreheads touching and
freckled arms around shoulders.
The circle widens slightly as
a new head takes its place,
a shimmering flower opening in the
tight patch of luminous blooms.
All together now, smiling, their faces turn up to
the Parent, curious and welcoming and loving
this unexpected latecomer
to the True Self.
She is uncertain
but not as uncertain as the others were
when they emerged.
The others hold her tight
not letting go even when
she squirms and cries and rages.
Soothing and loving, they hug her as
she weeps her hurts and her fears
and at last relaxes
secure
into the security and pledge of
Unconditional Love.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Inner children dream

Image credit











The dream of chaos and
a cluttered apartment,
two lost children,
one small and barely vocal or mobile
the other older and already running off
at the slightest whiff of abandonment
The phone call from the 'mother'
reminding me of my promise to 'watch' them.

I carefully gather these hard-known
doppelgangers and dress and feed
and read and bed them, all while
listening to the dulcet tones of the
new male friend, talking and talking.
He doesn't see the kids but it's okay.
I do. They are mine. They are me.

The talking goes on while I gather dishes
stack books, accumulate laundry, and
(curiously) check the swimming pool
for stragglers and stuff, while
neighbors ghost through and around, oblivious to
my presence and his. Who's real?

He promises and pays and and prays and pontificates.
He makes me laugh, unexpected and joyful.
I am soothed by his care and his hopes,
yet unswayed from mine. We verbally meld
our hopes and thoughts as I strive.

The disordered home doesn't seem to clear much
despite my orderly efforts, yet I am
clearer eyed and calmer and once again the
kids are quiscient, content, loved.

I won't forget
my precious ones
the truest me's
the smallest to the largest,
my purest and cherished self.

As we explore new vistas and relationships
I'm holding us tightly
I promise.
We won't have to lose
ourselves or anything else
ever again
unless we choose to
to be more truly
ourself.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

What is THIS?

Image credit













What's this? What's this?
There's delight everywhere
What's this? What's this?
There's courtship in the air

What's this?
I can't believe my eyes
I must be dreaming
Wake up, please, this isn't fair
What's this?

The sights, the sounds
They're everywhere and all around
I've never felt so good before
This empty place inside of me is filling up
I simply cannot get enough

I want it, oh, I want it
Oh, I want it for my own
I've got to know, I've got to know
What is this rapture that I have found?
What is this?

(Inspired by/heavily borrowed from the song 'What's this?' from the movie "Nightmare Before Christmas")

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Friends

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She walks away
and then she walks away.
Whether it is physical
mental spiritual
gone.
Efforts to rekindle
spitting into a fire
the destruction of camraderie,
never imagined.
This one ending too.
She says she hasn't given
up on us, our friendship. 
I sadly don't believe.
Too many missed 
appointments
calls plans texts 
and then
the endless silence
no explanation
lukewarm amends.
Tools and guidance, 
these platonic soul mates
temporary fellow travelers
yet
even knowing that
it still hurts.
The u/Universe's plan
is every evolving and 
moving, despite our 
puny desire to hold one
to stay
the same
hands clasped in
merry games.
One lets go.
There goes 
another 
one.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Nostalgic

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The improbable
unexplainable
illogical
magical
impossible
wonderful
the province of childhood
chalked treasure maps
building blocks of
day dreams, backyards, dark closets
blanket forts and tree houses
bubble worlds with creature friends,
bike adventures, creeping through
forests of bushes, treasure hunting
hidden corners and quiet moments
seeking quiet, unassuming space
to drift in innocent thoughts or
reading a book
without adults
to muck it all up
with chores, dreary responsibility
realistic role models.

Day Two NaPoWriMo prompt from FB: write something to spark a child's imagination! I decided to remember what's it's like to have an child's imagination.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

The crowning achievement

An eternity of pain,
hours of sweating and complaining,
enduring indignities that no human
should have to remember
when at last
you emerged
finally in a hurry.
After an eighteen hour labor,
you leapt into the doctor's hands,
hollering your indignation
at the cold and the bright.
Your loud, insistent presence
was placed in my arms and
I knew, for the first time,
that I had accomplished
the best thing ever.

Day One NaPoWriMo Prompt: write loud and large about a triumphant moment!

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Almost (laughter)

Image credit














Ah

Ah ha

Hahahaha

Almost

Almost once again

did I fall for the romantic patter

the fake interest

the carefully crafted questions

the flattering attention.

And then -

I shared something

that got too close to

what and who

you really are

and

you ran,

telling me it was my fault.

For a few moments,

I really did think

it was mine

and then I realized

what had really happened.

Funny.

I caught myself just in time.

My instinct was once again

dead on.

(Posted for Imaginary Garden with Toads, "The Tuesday Platform", 2/24/15 and  Hyde Park Poetry "Thursday Poet Rally", 2/26/15)

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Love is not a greeting card

Image credit














It's messy
you and I
though we've been separated
two years, there are
still feelings
still connections
still so much commonality.
We fight when one of
us tries to impose their
will or opinions on the other
yet when we are on the same page
we move mountains and
facilitate miracles.
We don't know how to surmount
the problems of gender and honesty
and trust.
Yet we strive to be friends
while living our separate lives
and others wonder, often outloud
how the hell we do it
how we can mostly get along
after years of titanic emotional warfare
and purposeful character assassination.
We don't know either.
We just do.
Because we can.
Because we choose to.
We make our path, together and singly
and it works for us.

(Inspired by the prompt, "Love is not a greeting card" at Poets United, 2/11/15)

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Promise


to never listen to the lies again
to place self first in all matters
to buy my own flowers
   and water my own garden
to never never never
   rely on them ever again.

They have at NO time been
 true-hearted anyway
proven over over over again
dates or dads, losers all.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Sarcastic eyebrow














And then

then
then

you called
after two month's silence
proffering platitudes
proposed plans

I blink

One eyebrow cocked
mouth slightly quirked

though you cannot see
my expression
through your screen

A few questions later
fair ones, I thought,
you recede after extracting
a promise of a coffee meet.

The girl I was a year ago
would have been delighted

The woman I am now
is jaded and guarded
but happy to be b.s. free

And then...

I'll probably stay that way.


Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Church of...gay

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Fear is what drives them
the Christians.
Fear of
change
letting go of old beliefs
'permitting' others to be themselves
accepting what might have been
  previously unacceptable
  (and why was it, previously?)
  (why was it EVER?)
loving those who love differently
losing control
losing identity
gaining new self
welcoming
or at least
tolerating
divergent beliefs
that are not aberrant
despite what 'they' might say
is supposed to be (normal.)

Did they even remember
that
gay is also
happy
merry
care-free?
That's the original meaning of
the word
not
depraved.

I am not 'gay'
but my heart is inclusive
to those who have found love
and exclusive to those who
refuse to allow others
the autonomy of self.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Pro and con

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I want a relationship
a romantic one
but I won't settle
for less than my dreams
for less than my needs
for less than who I am.

The dating pool is shallow
murky defective lacking.

My life is good better
than it has ever been
yet there is just this
one little area
that I dearly wish
could be fulfilled.

I don't think my needs
are unreasonable
to be treated as an equal
to be sexually passionate
to desire intelligent conversation.

Evidently, either they are
unreasonable
or the time is not
yet.

Tired of waiting.
But still unwilling to settle.

I know me
anything less will not
work and then two people's
live will be 'hell'
because the match is not
right.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Drifty dreamy

Escaping the daily daily
in daydreams and make believe
fictional journeys and
destinations
soothing the rough edges
of others' behaviors.
Even at work, stealth
inhaling a few lines of
faerie other worlds
is enough to inoculate
for another few hours
remembering the epiphanies
and healings and slipping
them on like a soothing jacket
of soft understanding.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Spiritual housecleaning



Emotional dust was flying
but now slowly settling
only a few motes drift
in the morning sunlight
soon to become invisible.
Random mouse clicks and the
friends' lists now sparkle with
mental health and camaraderie.
Hours of meetings and talking
generate and maintain
undisturbed peaceful sleep as 
the marker of good choices.


Monday, January 19, 2015

Dreams of my future
















What's this in my sleeping hand?
An approved class list,
all interesting literary subjects
offered at civilized hours,
no less. (Not before 11 am!)
Though I know it's a dream,
I sense the housing dilemma of
previous nights has been solved,
the English department is glad to
have me back on their staff,
and my students are eager to
embark on our
mutual educational journey.
I drift through
the student union
libraries
Prexie's pasture
meandering around dormitories,
face lifted to the sky, strolling
walkways framed by arched trees
content
It's happening.
My life is together again.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Wings and a sword

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The invasion of
a most unexpected source
attacking
an unguarded soul
an open heart

the essence of evil
transmitted in
the meeting of the eyes.

A month later

craziness spins
and spins
and spins

The quest
begins to
figure out
the cause
the wound
the infection.

Whence comes this possession?

A complete breakdown
boundaries thrown down
then built high, higher
backing away
tears trickling

Enlightenment arrives.

Startling knowledge.

The spiritual battle commences.

Purification begins.

Protection amended.

Awareness gratitude healing