Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Thanks for making me a fighter

Image credit

air punch, one-two

double-fisted celebration

high as a kite for days afterward

emotional regulation

I did it, I did it

dignity and silence

are the best tools ever

against 'tools'

friends reaffirmed

delightfully 'owning'

whatever I am a part of

protected by true love

strut, strut, strut

glowing in the dark

younger, sexier, happier than ever

crowning white hair a beacon

pretenders and faithful alike

happy birthday, hot fierce lady ME!

and I ain't gonna stop

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Upward spiral

Image credit

The ups and downs

...but always up...

grieving and healing

new boundaries coming in

old ones banished or rehabbed

shopping browsing walking

coffee books music

memories and dreams

reexamined and reaffirmed

a day with old friends

full of laughter talk plans

smiles hugs joy


"How do you like me now?" by Toby Keith

Thursday, March 8, 2018

The difference


Tension filled the car
like plastic-fire smoke
toxic, tough to breathe
instructions barked
her eyes narrowed
mouth dangerously tight
her focus inward
as I fearfully struggled to
manipulate the gas and clutch
in the right-magic combination
to not slam her head
through the windshield
failing, to the accompaniment
of more criticism, denigrating
demoralizing soundtrack of
my childhood


Quiet, listening, thinking
watching me
carefully as I listened, equally attentive,
relaxed, quiet
to his gentle suggestions to attend
to the sound of the engine
my foot and hand, clunky-fisted,
eventually smoothly shifting
the gears on that long-ago white Fiesta
I got it, how the motor and the mechanics
worked together, when I could hear it
without fear, panic, anxiety...while also
learning diplomacy, tact, teaching skills
balance, love, understanding,

Inspired by "Drive (for Daddy Gene)" by Alan Jackson

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Thoughts during meetings

Listening to 'the perpetual quest'
read at an AA meeting today
I suddenly understood why
I thought/hoped fourteen years ago
that I would be tossed out of this group
if I refused to profess
that I was an alcoholic...

At my first meetings in 1988
in a different town, I was
there at the request of a friend
newly in recovery herself
even then, I refused to identify as
an alcoholic or having 
even a remote desire
to quit drinking
those long-ago recovering peeps
wanted to me to leave the meeting
because of my obdurate defiance
and then
a furious argument ensued
about my presence
the upshot of which was
I got to stay for a few meetings

...then, I didn't know that
that really wasn't how 'it' worked...

Then, I was indignant

how dare they boot me out
even though I didn't want to be there?

...though I never went back

until fifteen years later
when I was diligently trying to
get kicked out of Cody Group AA
they declined to accommodate me

Thank God

things that make me go 'hmmm'


make me grateful that I am still

Friday, March 2, 2018


 Photo credit

To those who came
were a part of my life

before now

the friends
the lovers
the husbands
the family members
the oh-so-brief acquaintances
the deceased
the isolated
the abandoned
the hurting
the transient
the misunderstood
the mentally ill
the addicted

I release you
each of you
whatever might have been
could have been
or was
between us

respectfully and sincerely

I bow to you
each of you
hands over my heart

I greet you
I acknowledge you
I bid you farewell
I wish you well

each of you


Monday, February 26, 2018

Moving on

A dream last night
about the chaos
of splitting up
so much drama
tears, rage, filth, fear

something lost
an innocence, a trust
in the form of a child
something gained
new understanding
release and relief

the letting go...
curiously ambivalent
but relieved?
who knew that
though it was sad
it is good

Saturday, January 20, 2018

"But you live here...why?"

A question
asked in a vision
by 'god' to a character
in a tv show, which entity
was intensely curious
the visionary
was emotionally
in a moment of terrible loss
in the past

a pause for thought

if/when one is stuck in the past
in the pain
in the mistake or the lie
in someone else's opinion or perception

one does basically indeed 'live' there

and doesn't even know it

and can never move on

because one doesn't even know

one is living there

these are the moments to
examine, make peace with,

and move on

to live in the present

not the past

Sunday, January 14, 2018

As earth is my witness

Buddhist sayings and teachings
so basic and so sensible
soothing and teaching

remembering the private beliefs
the innocent enlightenment of
childhood, so un-Christian yet
making so much sense to my
young mind
especially that of

those thoughts and perceptions
were repressed in the interest of
survival and 'fitting in'

but today, these return to me
I am ready and I am free
to explore and to be
who I am meant



bona fide











Saturday, January 13, 2018

Bombast and bullshit

A gillie-wet-foot blunderbuss

of the abydocomist type

endlessly gnashgabbing

Member of the cult of non-virility

bedswerving bespawler

boblyning bobolyne

cumbergrounding dalcop

dew-beater klazomaniac

gobermunching fopdoodle

fustylugian FUSTILARIAN

loiter-sack lubberwort

quisby raggabadash

rakefire saddle-goose

skelpie-limmer snoutband

tallow-catch wandought

all hat and no cattle

gentleman of four outs

rumbumptuous gollumpus

shabbaroon wrinkler

skamelar mandrake mymmerkin

mumblecrust, drate-poke clack-box?

Friday, January 12, 2018

Joy and laughter

I've said it before
and I'll say it again

but the freedom from bullshit
is intoxicating

Everything, I mean everything,
is like a spring day as
snow melts and the crocuses
poke their purple, gold, and white noses
out of the ground, seeking the sun
hope unfurling with their green foliage
the barely damp ground nourishing and uplifting

...you know the feeling of that spring day?
when the frozen cold hell of winter is finally broken
and light becomes more than dark?

so much joy in my head
now that the dark clouds are gone
the oppressive presences blown away
by the winds of divorce and
spiritual housecleaning

the world has a new and sparkling sheen

adoring and loving the vitality
rising in me and
the people I choose
more than I ever have

I can trust again
I can love again
I can dream again

I laugh and laugh
glad the tears are gone
the sadness lifted

every day I am high on me
blissed out on my recovery and
my single status

I need nothing and no one else

ready for the next adventure

which just happens to be...every day of my life

"Call it what you want" by Taylor Swift

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Did we fail her? No.

She's gone

saw her obituary today

from several weeks ago

remembering her sparkling eyes

delighted face

when we did her 5th step together

excited for the beginning of

her new life

but then

after treatment

half measures began

to her detriment

though we knew those half measures

would avail her nothing


we reached out, called, texted


she walked away

she couldn't do recovery


she is gone





Dancing in the pool




light touches and thoughts


singly and together

quiet, light conversation that

quickly becomes intense,

deep, meaningful,



the water beneath us

gliding within

your arms

warm, sulfurish water curling

around our shoulders

swirling, twirling, talking

gazing into your eyes


"I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack

Friday, December 29, 2017

The stuff of legends

Rage was my stock in trade
my default response to life
and one never knew what might
make me blow
during the first forty years of
my life

But...that anger was nothing
compared to the towering fury
that developed after the family
did an intervention on me for
my alcoholism

It's a miracle
(and I am a miracle and so is my sobriety)
that my head didn't
explode during that first year
I was that mad and
everyone knew it and
everyone stayed the fuck away from me

family of origin or recovering family
tiptoed around or flat-out avoided me
after a few encounters with the
newly sober, newly 'feeling' me

fangs and fingernails and feelings hyper-extended
daring anyone to give me a reason (to rage or drink)


it is fourteen years later
and I rarely lose my temper now
or even feel that simmering emotional violence

recovery has taught me to control, channel, and release
those emotions in more productive, positive ways
and to not even respond in those old, dangerous ways
in the first place

but both sets of family are still talking
(and now laughing about, though they weren't then)
about the terrifying, menacing (even to me) animosity
of my early days of alcoholic abstinence

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Blue frosting

phone calls and paperwork

travelling and snowy roads

laughter and jokes

coffee and mongolian grill

quiet moments of great solemnity

cupcakes and commitment

kisses and cameras

silver and gold

Tuesday, December 19, 2017


The Kid,

joy of my life

sometime exquisite pain in the keester,

tells me over her post-nuptial dinner

with their friends and her dad and I,

"it is so weird, being an adult!"

how did she do that,

become grown up at 23?

Dare I hope I had something

to do with that?


either way,

I am glad

we are both now


I have only been grown up

about three years or so.

Still hoping for her dad.



So many possibilities

Endless options

Multiple challenges

but which best serves me?

striving to select the opportunities

that will support my sobriety and sanity

and goals and dreams and needs and wants

involving a minimum of output or

commitment on my part

so much to protect and preserve

but I will

Wednesday, November 29, 2017


I don't want to be single


due to repeated investigation
I am well aware
that there is nothing out there
worth dating or
a long term relationship


I don't want to be single

though I have been lied to and
abused and poorly treated repeatedly
as I keep hoping that it will be
this time


I don't want to be single

somehow, inexplicably,
there is still a tiny sputtering flame of hope
though I know better
it never is any better
same creepy men, different year


"Begin Again" by Taylor Swift

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Photographs and memories

(I could not say or sing this better than Jim Croce.)

Photographs and memories
Christmas cards you sent to me
All that I have are these
To remember you

Memories that come at night
Take me to another time
Back to a happier day
When I called you mine

But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh how I loved you then

Summer skies and lullabies
Nights we couldn't say good-bye
And of all of the things that we knew
Not a dream survived

Photographs and memories
All the love you gave to me
Somehow it just can't be true
That's all I've left of you

But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh how I loved you then

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Time after time

if he was not able or willing to
work things out the first time around
whether that was thirty years ago
or three
what assurance would one have
that the situation would be different

how would it be possible to know
for certain

that he has changed
that he is truly willing
that he is sincerely committed

and that

I am not merely an available option
that he is taking another 'run' at
that he is, to put it bluntly,
desperate enough
to 'give' me another try

(some gift)


am I the partner of last resort
because no one new or acceptable
has presented herself or stuck around

I am no longer 18, 21, 25, 38, or 44
nor that naive, desperate, or foolish

it's amazing how the exes start
sniffing around
the moment I become


do they really believe I have forgotten?