Friday, September 22, 2017

Wind beneath my wings

Wow.

More proof is in.

More people stepping forward to confirm

my intuition and the evidence about

certain people and circumstances.

Not going to get away with anything

professionals and friends alike

standing behind and beside me

leading me in

validation, love, support

I am blessed.




Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Recovery

Recovery is the light to my path
the glow in my soul
the design to my days

I will not tolerate it being disregarded and insulted
by those who really know NOTHING about it

It works. It really works. It's a shame it didn't work for you.
But...you never really gave it an honest try
(there's that word again...honest)

I can't believe you and her thought that would fly,
telling me recovery doesn't work in relationships

Millions of ACTUAL RECOVERING folks
would respectfully disagree based on their actual experience.

Including me.



Done, done, done

I can't stop people from reading my writing
on this blog and others
but I will continue to tell my truth

My truth right now is that it is time
to prune the dead wood in my life
friends lists need to be tightened up
some folks need to be blocked completely

No more nostalgic clinging to past relationships
or tenuous connections, especially with folks
I have never and will never meet
or never want to see again

There will no more pretending that 'things' are ok
I will not be bullied into accepting another's reality
perceptions or opinions
so that they can be okay with themselves while
I am fucked up by their self-righteous harassment

If you can't handle what's going on
then please block me
lose my phone number and email
stop surf stalking my blogs and sites

Just stop. Go away. You know who you are.

Enough. Life is too short to not have peace.

And I will have it, as I continue to clean spiritual and virtual house

Truth is powerful. And healing. And it is the truth.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Firing on all cylinders

After weeks...nay, months
feeling like I am walking through concrete
no sunshine of the spirit
no hope
no positive input

dragging, debilitating despair

I finally woke up the last couple days

Not sure what has changed

supplements have been tweaked slightly
conversations have taken place
decisions have been made
exercise patterns have begun/changed
bullshit is no longer tolerated
significant dates have passed or expired

the world is suddenly shockingly brighter
the brain is clicking away, churning out
ideas, plans, plots, hopes, dreams, trips, future
energy is rising and tasks long neglected are
being examined, evaluated, executed
sleep is longer, better, more restful

it's good to be back



Sunday, September 17, 2017

Two D/daddies

oh

He just told me
why I had to go through this
this pain and sadness and betrayal

He wanted to give me my earthly father
and allowed another to make that happen

He is sorry that it had to be so painful
but it was necessary to slowly open that door
in my soul, so long barred

He holds me tenderly, dabbing my tears and
cooling my raging heart with His love

reminding me gently that He always intends
the best for me
even if it doesn't feel like it
at the time

Yesterday was completion, healing

oh

thank you

Love...at last

Grateful for the renewed relationship with my dad
not really sure if we ever had one until after
his bride left us but
slowly, slowly, over the last seven years
glimmers of the dad of my childhood
and something, someone more than that
has emerged until those traces melded together
and became him, who he is now
without her
a him who is kinder, gentler,
yet more assertive
with his daughters and any other interfering individual
who might assume they had the right or duty to tell him
how to live his life.
yesterday
I saw that renewed father
fully, sweetly present.
I finally told him about the changes in my life,
his face brimmed with compassion and love
as he listened and affirmed and validated
my words, my decisions, my tears, my sadness
gently sharing his thoughts and perceptions
how gratified I am
for his tender acceptance of me
with all my flaws, struggles, stumbling,
differences of faith
loving me despite and maybe because of
imperfections and differences

the face of my Heavenly father in my earthly one

it is easier to arise from the ashes of my life to
live and hope and believe again
with him in my heart, right alongside Him.


Saturday, September 16, 2017

Mourning

Grief over this loss, this ending, this betrayal
has brought me to my knees with sickness, sadness
overwhelming abandonment
I have no regrets for this choice, for taking care of self
but it still hurts, still devastatingly painful
mentally staggering through each day,
with a pleasant mask on my face, because I have no desire
to re-hash my personal challenges with people who don't know me
stunned that so many people care about me,
except the one I wish would
emotionally desolate, melancholic
but firm
resolute
determined
surviving.