Monday, July 27, 2015

Karma













Wow.


How very interesting to hear from you

after thirty four years of silence

that took me ten of those to get over you

and the gut-punch betrayal you put me through.

Now here you are with amends and

explanations that don't quite jive with my memory

but are appreciated and cherished none-the-less

despite being so belated.

At least you finally recognized that you did harm.



I sincerely believe in karma.

I've been visited by karma many times to

balance the universal scales for the hurts I've inflicted

and the lies I've told and my carelessness with other's hearts.

And it was excruciatingly painful and humiliating

but I came to understand that that was what needed to

happen to be released from my past and to be able to live

fully and joyfully in the present.



But you...

have been bitch slapped, stomped, and run over

with a monster ass steam roller, no less, and

multiple times by the K bitch.

I don't feel glee over those results, but

privileged and humbled to be allowed to know

that karma does indeed happen and

the justice that only the universe can deal out

is served and

not just to me.

But I accept your amends and offer you peace and healing

because it's the right thing to do and

I wish you no further pain or harm.



Wow.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Connection

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Emotions
   memories
      current events

Uncertainty about

what is wanted
what is offered

My own quiscient brokenness
   advancing and receding
      as each day excitingly unfolds with you

   though I don't usually talk about that ancient brokenness

I don't know what I want
I fear the love you offer
It scares me because it might be real

I dread the possibility that this might all be
     a con a lie a manipulation
          an eventual abandonment

Our tie is strong when it is connected
   like a safety net of caring that is
      unbreakable and completely reliable

But when the link drops and
   I despair in the emptiness and
     quickly close myself up

        staticky psychic silence and old hurts
            enfolding me

It's difficult to reemerge
     from that protective chrysalis

Painfully difficult even when you gently
   offer and attempt to establish
      that intimacy again
        verbally

even after your 'batshit' crazy day
   even after your medical 'thing'

What is real?

I don't know.

But I too often fear
     to find out

But then

You touch me.

Reassuringly full body hug,
        ...though surprisingly not sexual...

hold my hands
   gently kiss me
      gaze into my eyes with
         your fathomless blue ones
            speak your feelings
               and hopes

And I am comforted
   soothed
      loved
         the bond between us
            surges so strongly that I am surprised and delighted

and I wonder why
   I ever doubted.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Self expanded

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A circle of heads, tresses
brightly hued red, blond, brown
all curly, wavy, fly-away,
foreheads touching and
freckled arms around shoulders.
The circle widens slightly as
a new head takes its place,
a shimmering flower opening in the
tight patch of luminous blooms.
All together now, smiling, their faces turn up to
the Parent, curious and welcoming and loving
this unexpected latecomer
to the True Self.
She is uncertain
but not as uncertain as the others were
when they emerged.
The others hold her tight
not letting go even when
she squirms and cries and rages.
Soothing and loving, they hug her as
she weeps her hurts and her fears
and at last relaxes
secure
into the security and pledge of
Unconditional Love.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Inner children dream

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The dream of chaos and
a cluttered apartment,
two lost children,
one small and barely vocal or mobile
the other older and already running off
at the slightest whiff of abandonment
The phone call from the 'mother'
reminding me of my promise to 'watch' them.

I carefully gather these hard-known
doppelgangers and dress and feed
and read and bed them, all while
listening to the dulcet tones of the
new male friend, talking and talking.
He doesn't see the kids but it's okay.
I do. They are mine. They are me.

The talking goes on while I gather dishes
stack books, accumulate laundry, and
(curiously) check the swimming pool
for stragglers and stuff, while
neighbors ghost through and around, oblivious to
my presence and his. Who's real?

He promises and pays and and prays and pontificates.
He makes me laugh, unexpected and joyful.
I am soothed by his care and his hopes,
yet unswayed from mine. We verbally meld
our hopes and thoughts as I strive.

The disordered home doesn't seem to clear much
despite my orderly efforts, yet I am
clearer eyed and calmer and once again the
kids are quiscient, content, loved.

I won't forget
my precious ones
the truest me's
the smallest to the largest,
my purest and cherished self.

As we explore new vistas and relationships
I'm holding us tightly
I promise.
We won't have to lose
ourselves or anything else
ever again
unless we choose to
to be more truly
ourself.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

What is THIS?

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What's this? What's this?
There's delight everywhere
What's this? What's this?
There's courtship in the air

What's this?
I can't believe my eyes
I must be dreaming
Wake up, please, this isn't fair
What's this?

The sights, the sounds
They're everywhere and all around
I've never felt so good before
This empty place inside of me is filling up
I simply cannot get enough

I want it, oh, I want it
Oh, I want it for my own
I've got to know, I've got to know
What is this rapture that I have found?
What is this?

(Inspired by/heavily borrowed from the song 'What's this?' from the movie "Nightmare Before Christmas")

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Friends

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She walks away
and then she walks away.
Whether it is physical
mental spiritual
gone.
Efforts to rekindle
spitting into a fire
the destruction of camraderie,
never imagined.
This one ending too.
She says she hasn't given
up on us, our friendship. 
I sadly don't believe.
Too many missed 
appointments
calls plans texts 
and then
the endless silence
no explanation
lukewarm amends.
Tools and guidance, 
these platonic soul mates
temporary fellow travelers
yet
even knowing that
it still hurts.
The u/Universe's plan
is every evolving and 
moving, despite our 
puny desire to hold one
to stay
the same
hands clasped in
merry games.
One lets go.
There goes 
another 
one.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Nostalgic

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The improbable
unexplainable
illogical
magical
impossible
wonderful
the province of childhood
chalked treasure maps
building blocks of
day dreams, backyards, dark closets
blanket forts and tree houses
bubble worlds with creature friends,
bike adventures, creeping through
forests of bushes, treasure hunting
hidden corners and quiet moments
seeking quiet, unassuming space
to drift in innocent thoughts or
reading a book
without adults
to muck it all up
with chores, dreary responsibility
realistic role models.

Day Two NaPoWriMo prompt from FB: write something to spark a child's imagination! I decided to remember what's it's like to have an child's imagination.