Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Waning

Again
why again
the friendships fade
against my will
against my hope
against my care

Intellectually
I understand and accept

Emotionally
devastation and abandonment

The silence and superficiality
I want to talk

she is closed and armored
with her husband guarding

I finally went home
can't push or force or beg

what did I do?

I didn't
I really do know that

but it still hurts



Thursday, May 18, 2017

The Great Wall (of?) (grief?) (relief?)

Today
the day
the anniversary of
her passing

Memories posted
pictures recycled
dreams recounted
'sightings' alleged

I wonder
why this doesn't
happen more to me

the 'presence' of

her

And then I realize

I still maintain a barrier
now a spiritual/mental one
rather than the geographical one
carefully guarded when
she was on this plane
to protect
myself

She rarely gets through
but usually
it is when I am
vulnerable
distracted
busy
asleep

she always catches me off guard

how many times has she tried?

I would guess, plenty
just based on the reports of the
sisters' maternal encounters

perhaps it is just
wishful thinking
by
all of us

Sunday, May 7, 2017

It had to be, with love to me/her

then, I was twenty seven
living in the Pacific Northwest
divorce impending, passion exploding
misty mornings, cloudy emotional evenings
bright professional days with a fake face
hiding the turmoil, the forbidden, the duality
Wilson Phillips warbling about life, along with Bonnie Raitt
on my very first CD player of my very own

his eyes gaze into mine and my knees weakened at the
power of his love and his codependence
so messed up, we both were, he still is
he strode through my life like a god
clay feet not visible until much, much later

foggy dawns staring at the jungle of vines just off the
apartment patio, morning stretches and coffee
wondering, thinking, unsure, young, damaged
by the long ago and not even knowing that the
damage wasn't normal because I was told that
the pain was normal and life wasn't fair and just
pull yourself up by your boot straps and it'll be fine

just then beginning the lifelong journey into self introspection
healing, memory, truth, painful, painful reality

still trying to drink and fuck that reality and pain
away with all the wrong people in all the wrong ways
but it wasn't working and I was seeking, seeking

but I love myself as I look back on being twenty seven
I was ready, I was tired of hurting, I was willing to try
anything even if I had to try a hundred times

young me finally got it later but at least she was finally
looking up at the horizon and ready ready
for me, the true me, the sober, sane, peaceful me

she didn't even know what was possible but she knew
something better was possible than what was happening then
we had to speak our truth, had to, then and now

it took what it took for her to be really, really ready
to meet in the middle of the time between then and now to
create ourself, love ourself, be ourself

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Another day, another year

Mother's day is impending
as is the seventh anniversary of her passing

still so ambivalent about this person
who birthed me, cried over me,
feared for me, adored me,

and...

judged me, abused me, criticized me,
and ultimately, abandoned me.

Yet

I understand all of those behaviors of hers
better than I ever have

as I struggle to be her but a better her
me, a better me, a healed me, a compassionate one

I can
I will
I am

Friday, April 21, 2017

Parenting initiative

My nephew is the most amazing parent ever
I watch him with his eight month old son
his patience and creativity is astonishing
considering he grew up in a fairly
chaotic dysfunctional home
And he is wicked funny
when the little guy yells or cries
his father studies him carefully
watching the wee one's expression and
body language
before making any moves
and
the new dad
generally narrates his actions with
sarcastic but insightful remarks like
   'here's your keys, kid. Now go'
is tossed out as he jingles his key ring
just in front of the child's eyes
the room of midget watchers cracks up
the baby stops hollering
wide eyed with delight at
his father's attention, though
oblivious to the humor of
being given the car keys when
one has not yet learned to walk

"Write a poem that incorporates overheard speech" Prompt from and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 21

Thursday, April 20, 2017

The Grind in two parts

Oh my God
the night's dream wrestling interrupted
urrrghhhhh bleahhhh tired
despising everything and everyone
why does waking up always involve
such hatred for the entire race and self?
bleary eyed stumble to the bathroom
thoughts of calling in 'sick'
glass of water and turn up the furnace
staggering around opening shades
clothing jewelry tooth brush dog petting perfume deodorant
collecting electronics and assorted detritus
for the day at work, leaving
auto pilot drive, through the gate
the door, lights, computer, unpacking purse and brain
greeting lone coworker who is equally dark visaged
weak, useless, pathetic light of dawn

****

Coffee. Coffeeeeee. Coffeeeeeee!!!
personality firing on a few cylinders now
answer the phone and door pleasantly
though the impulse is still there to
mutilate all comers, it is dampened
by dawn and hydration and mindless
facebook surfing
thoughts of breakfast, friends, husband
weekend, projects, absent boss are
definitely more pleasing than they were
four hours ago
true blue sky with wispy clouds
unburdening the fatigue of spirit
another day

still wondering about the nebulous homicidal self
that is briefly present for the first hour
every single morning

"take this poem in parts...write about the feeling of the morning...STOP...Take your time, relax, and write the second half of your poem"
Prompt from the FB NaPoWriMo page. Posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 20

The origins of blame

The Woman was practical and wise
in the ways that only women are
she walked right past that tree
and the serpent
and the fruit
and the temptation

Preparing to walk right out
of paradise, to make her own way and to
use her God-given brains and talent

as God had intended and hoped for them BOTH

the Man was weak and susceptible
and even then, driven by the
ever-annoying (to women) drive to
dick measure with other males

(I'm talking about him throwing down with
both the snake AND the Deity)

the Man ate that apple
(HE did, not her...keep reading)
to prove his was bigger and better
that he was smarter and more 'on the ball'
than any old God or reptile could be

then

they found themselves
outside the gate
the Woman mentioned
to the Man that
it wasn't necessary to defy Him
or to prove to Him how stupid he was
or to dick measure, for fuck's sake (!)

(yep, she coined the word 'fuck')

God already knew that about the Man

(though He had hoped)

then

the Man blamed her
told and recorded the First Story
and has been shifting the blame
to her
ever since
for eternity

Write a poem that recounts a creation myth. Prompt from and posted for NaPoWriMo - Day 19