Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Feng shui


















The evil corroding thread

of his ego, possessions, dishonesty

is gone at last

purification has taken place and

will be ongoing

The house glows with health and cleanliness

I can feel and see the now unblocked chi

flowing through

me and my home

peaceful, content, hopeful

at last

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Jerk





















Oh yes
keep telling those lies
telling people how I
used you
mistreated you
took you for granted
was so unreasonable

That's fine

If you need me to be a bitch to
justify to yourself
why I kicked you out
then so be it

Just stay the fuck away from me

Keep your whiny ass, negative vibes
and your whiny ass
to yourself

As I packed the pathetic remnants of
your life this past weekend

(marveling at how a 62 year old
man's room can look and smell like
a three year old boy's)

it became readily and nauseatingly apparent to me
how LITTLE you had done around
the house in a very long time as
I hauled out bag after bag of garbage and
swept up gallons of dirt and crap

And then...after the cheating accusations
I hear that you are the one who is cheating

Really? Really? Really?

You better run fast.

Faster.

FASTER.

Your own shit is about to bite you in the ass.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Covenant

What a joke

The insistence on a mutual understanding of a sacramental Union

What a come on and a con, unique in my romantic experience

The wooing with God and Sacrament and Covenant as the goal

The elaborate courtship agreement, so carefully researched and constructed

The exchange of rings, the witnesses, the signing of Purity agreements

Covenant: the word was used over and over

The insistence on understanding and committing to the deep and true and Universal nature of this

The exhaustive discussion and preparation with parents and accountability partners

What a betrayal.

He discarded it the moment he was challenged to actually uphold it

God does not betray His covenant with those who make one with Him

But humans evidently do...

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Proverbs 31 woman

A year ago
gifted with rubies and sapphires
at our wedding
and told in the presence of our guests
that I was more precious than those gems
assured that I demonstrated
wisdom strength nobility dignity

like no woman he had ever known

Now, he shouts at me that
I am a cold rigid tormenting disturbed woman

like my mother

Wow, that was a gut punch
He knew exactly which big button to push
when he said those words

and those words weren't true.

What changed?

I feel I am the same person
I know I am the same person
a little older, a little wiser, a little sadder

What changed?

It wasn't me

It was him.
That pretty speech
was another part of the pose
the mask
the lies
the con
the fuckery

He mocked and degraded
his own faith, his God, his Bible
with that stunt and was not true to the
words he professed with
alleged love and trust

He proved himself to be like many other
Christians I have met, all talk and judgment

It wasn't me that changed

But...I am a Proverbs 31 woman

I am true to myself

I serve the Lord
the only Man I need
who truly values me for who I am

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Muddled musings



















Enjoying the peace
in my head
in my home
in my life

The decisions made and executed
   despite shrieking and squiriming
   from the other party
are intoxicatingly freeing

I am grateful to be single
I am delighted to be safe and sane

No desire to go there again
that is, into a romantic relationship,
for a very long time, if ever

Usually the one accusing others
of cheating
is the one cheating

He can't grasp that
it is his behavior
his choices
his nastiness
that is precipitating the steady movement
forward towards permanent dissolution

Nothing else

He will say anything
especially anything ultra logical
emotionless and cruel
to try to 'win'
(and perhaps to 'win' me back?)

(as if)

Free of the compulsion to take the bait
(or, at least, working hard at being free)

The world is open and bright and beckoning
after a year of tears, his craziness, and doubt

I am running at it with arms wide open
joyful

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Not playing

The chance was given
to be part of the negotiation
to be fair, compassionate, 'responsible'

supposedly, the delay and the silence
are not attempts
to be difficult or slow the process down.

Why should the word of a self-admitted liar
be sought or admissible anyway ?

Progress will be made today
moving forward
not playing
the stupid dishonest games that have been in effect
for the last two and a half years

The chance was given
it is now withdrawn

The Big Book tells me:

   "And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. 
     For by this time sanity will have returned"

Sanity has returned
no more fighting

I will be honest, even when it hurts

Monday, October 2, 2017

Looking in the mirror

Through the grief and tears
the rolled shoulders and crushing, frequent fatigue
the vitality, sparkle is re-emerging
eyes are greener, skin is clearer

the reflected image has the surreal clarity
of the unexpected, the welcome, the necessary
the empathic glow is becoming brighter

it shows away from the glass
as people are drawn to the mien of
listening, intuitive, caring, nonjudgment
glow of the Spirit indwelling

I used to wonder what people saw when
they commented on the glow-in-the-dark aura
larger than life presence

I see it too now

How dare anyone attempt to dim that Light?

There is once again a light in every window
inviting, illuminating the corners of my soul and mind
and of those of those who are willing to be willing