Friday, August 11, 2017

Echos of reality

I can live without you just fine

     (just wish I didn't feel like I need to)

I am not threatened by you or your alleged 'recovery'

     (I got over that sort of thing a decade ago)

I am a survivor

      (much to the disgust of many)

I am free from codependency

      (sorry if calling you on what I perceive as b.s. offends you)

I will tell the truth

      (ymmv)

I have done this before and I can do it again

      (see note above about being a survivor, in case you missed it the first time)




Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Affirmations

mentally stable
relieved of compulsions
safe and secure
making and owning choices
restraint of pen and tongue
surrendered
abstinent
sober
independent
serenity overcomes calamity
always surviving
mindfulness

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Self care

It feels like prayer
meditation
medicine
worship
service

this nurturing of my body
after all these years
of self abuse and
self neglect

I reverently lift the upgraded coffee
to my lips and visualize my cells
on their knees to gratefully receive
the life-giving blend of healing,
not just of food but of mindfulness

a communion of sorts, me and God and my body

Each bite a tiny Eucharist
sanctified by Him, His Guidance
a sort of pill or tincture
that nourishes my soul as well as my limbs

internal organs gratefully absorbing the
oxygen as well as intention
mindful action

I am restored
with every sip, every invocation, every step

Grace

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Thinking

Not a caseworker
or a medical professional
nor a counselor

A human
a woman
a survivor of equal trauma

I didn't ask anyone to endure
my crazy nor did they stay to
help or support
once they witnessed it

As a mostly single person, 
I determinedly, doggedly, persistently
got 'better'
   (calmer, rational, fair, compromise, balance)
with the help of
professional and twelve step support
became saner, developed
the muscles of responsibility, 
consideration of others, and then

gratefully accepted a place in society
as an allegedly normal person

I don't understand why I don't
have more compassion and patience
for what you are going through
since I have been through it myself
and walked the path with others who
have struggled with the same

Why is it/isn't it different?
Why is it/isn't it the same?

I can't let go of this need for
self-care and self-preservation
I can't seem to sacrifice my recovery and sanity

for yours

Where to find that balance?

When did my 'give-a-shit' get so broken?

I feel like a jerk while simultaneously
feeling my boundaries go up and stay up

high, high...and solid

while you shriek and claw at the stone

I sit quietly on the other side,
thinking

Sunday, June 11, 2017

The Collar

not submissive
not compliant
not service
not listening

argumentative
self absorbed
rationalizing
ultra logical

this would not be
a symbol of true submission

why would I commit to something
that is a status thing for you

you talk the good talk

but it is hollow

every time we argue

not happening
ever

Friday, June 2, 2017

Whining

how can one person
have so much bad luck
make so many mistakes
break so many items
kill so many computers

it's all accidental

you say

it's all carelessness, hurry, and
lack of focus/attention

I say

how to figure this out
sharpen the focus
slow the approach
dial up the care
enhance the attention

I can't do anything right

you say

I just want you to slow down and
be more vigilant

I say

We don't see things the same way

will we ever?

hurling rocks from our respective
hideouts, determined to win
rather than
compromise

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Waning

Again
why again
the friendships fade
against my will
against my hope
against my care

Intellectually
I understand and accept

Emotionally
devastation and abandonment

The silence and superficiality
I want to talk

she is closed and armored
with her husband guarding

I finally went home
can't push or force or beg

what did I do?

I didn't
I really do know that

but it still hurts