that some problems
Poet...maybe?
NaPoWriMo...and beyond... Prosey poetry and free verse. Unapologetically real recovery. My words, my life, my experience.
Monday, February 19, 2024
Shades of discernment
that some problems
Tuesday, February 6, 2024
The sin of envy
Lots of new revelations lately
coming out of
mindfulness practice,
like the one about
the motivations of
a quiet bully.
They always liked to needle me
about the unorthodox way
I chose my degree focus.
Goddess, I would have never
told them that story
if I’d known they would
slyly poke me
about it for the
next thirty-five years!
and why?
I will tell you why:
jealousy.
I EARNED two degrees
that have served me well
over those thirty-five years.
Employers are always in the market
for research and communication skills,
not to mention
an open and curious mind.
That old A.S. wasn’t enough for them?
Why couldn’t they simply be
pleased instead of
subtly critical?
They made THEIR life choices -
I made MINE.
I’m proud to have used
my hard-won education
and my brain
thoroughly.
Saturday, February 3, 2024
Good fences
Sunday, January 28, 2024
Identity
who am I?
what is the memory that defines me?
everything about my life is about
healing that little girl
stop running
but does she need healed?
she who survived that childhood?
she was tough
and determined…
we hug each other
excited about who
I have become.
who really needed the help,
the healing?
me,
me, that’s who.
the sixty year old.
that’s who.
why am I holding her back
and out
saying she needs healing?
I let that little girl in
to experience the joy of
who we are now.
and we go out
to share the story of
who we are
with others
to help others.
Friday, January 26, 2024
Praying on street corners
Tuesday, January 23, 2024
Ms. (S.) Regrets…
“I’m calling to
remind you about…
(insert the family gathering of your choice here).
Do you want to RSVP and pay your deposit?”
“Why, no.
I regret that
I am no longer
able to manage
the cost of
this sort of event.”
“Oh, come now.
Surely it’s not that expensive.
Perhaps you could split it
into the two payments?”
“I can hear that you
misunderstand me -
as you always have.
I was not speaking of
money
in terms of affording.
I was referring to the
mental,
emotional,
and
spiritual toll that
hanging around
any of
you people
takes on me
every
fucking
time.
THAT is what
I cannot spare
the price of.”
(silence)
(click)
Thursday, January 11, 2024
The Unforgivable Curse: a true fairytale
Saturday, January 6, 2024
I hate Christmas
Tuesday, January 2, 2024
Blood money
Sunday, September 17, 2023
almost autumnal equinox
Thursday, September 7, 2023
The passing away
Saturday, September 2, 2023
What is love?
Monday, August 21, 2023
Daddy blues
Wednesday, August 2, 2023
the door slam
Friday, July 28, 2023
oh, that familiar old abandonment…
it’s going to be differentbetter
now that her body
is rotting in the ground.
my mother’s narcissistic evil
in her flying monkeys,
my evidently former siblings.
have never quit crying
even when I have
been hopeful of healing.
they know better.
They never forgot.
Saturday, June 24, 2023
The double bind
having inner children
living in tandem
with the adult me
often reveals itself in
and perceive
perpetrators.
to arrive at
where we can
live with each other
in our shared mind
without going crazy.
sitting through eight hours of
jury selection questioning
the inner kids grabbed the wheel and
we regressed for two days
of tears, memories, illness, and body pain.
an extended family member
It consisted of
wondering who had harmed the young perpetrator
worry for the trauma and damage to the young victim
crushing depression and fear for how quickly
three families were hurt and torn apart,
by this incident.
I wanted to protect the young perpetrator
rather than being villainized and outcast
forever.
Incest and sexual abuse are hot button topics
abuse
but
of the behavior
why couldn’t we then
instead?
My inner children vigorously disagree.
I guess we’re just gonna have to live together
Because the adult me, the healed me
who is not coming from a place of trauma
(after so many years of work and counseling and healing)
wants to reach out and give the young one
a chance to do life right
now
their pain
and even the fact that
they were betrayed too
It doesn’t have to.
Saturday, June 3, 2023
Just because (an epiphany)
you are mentally ill
to my face
Saturday, May 27, 2023
Don’t tell…
why I did not report
the times I was
sexually assaulted
as an adult.
I had only known that
my silence was because of fear.
the source of that fear
until today.
accused of
the false reporting of
sexual assault and
subsequently being imprisoned.
(Imagine being a rape victim
imprisoned for reporting your rapist!!)
at this moment
that
I never reported
what happened to me as an adult
because
I was a child sexually assaulted
many times,
as well as physically abused.
either
when I told.
childhood memory
is telling my mother
(no thanks to her fucker of a father).
don’t tell
or
you’ll be severely punished
(“Victim/Suspect”, 2023, airing on Netflix)
Monday, May 22, 2023
Perfect attendance
As a kid,
I was super proud of
my stellar (outstanding unblemished)
school record.
I hated to miss school
because I liked it so much
(the alternative being
being at home-no thanks!)
I tended to get
good grades
too and
teachers always liked me
because I was pretty compliant
(they didn’t see
the submission to
a fearful home reality.)
As an adult, I have
another
perfect
record
if only in
attracting and dating
the absolute biggest losers
the looniest narcissists
the most intensely predatory abusers.
Every time I think
I’ve escaped
my own legacy,
I manage to instead
prove myself
wrong
again.
Even after
a multiyear absence
from the dating scene,
it’s still only losers
all the way down.
“Turtles all the way down” Sturgill Simpson: https://youtu.be/LWx6csgGkg4
Thursday, April 27, 2023
Megaphonic rage
They say my rage is
outsized
but I do not
think so.
So sick of the
fucking patriarchy
oppressing everyone
who is not the
white patriarchy.
Where is everyone else’s rage
at this stunning injustice?
How can anyone stay home
while this shit is going on
in our government and
our communities and
act like it’s no big deal or
that it’ll blow over?
How can you not see it, people?
How do you sit with it, sit still?
How do you sleep at night?
How do you live with yourself?
I keep wondering
am I crazy? or
is everyone else just
that passive or
that blind?
I cannot sit still or
be quiet when
other people are being
killed or
jailed or
beaten or
told they don’t have
a right to exist?
Especially women.
Any woman.
CIS or trans.
Don’t you know we’re next???